Ok, to start things off, im a sick twisted fuck. Im 20 years old and i had disgusting fantasies as long as i can remember. Now most people think about weird stuff and never act it out, but im different. What troubles me is that these fetishes i have, taken over my personality. I have difficulty controlling my actions. I dont like women nor do i understand them. When i am having sex i receive gratification from causing pain to my partner, it arouses me allot. My other fetish problems seem disgusting even to the most deranged mind. Like women and animals etc... All of the people that know me have no idea about my psychological problems. What they notice is that i haven't had a girlfriend for a long time. I use private escorts to satisfy myself once in a while. My problems became apparent to me after i graduated from high school and went to university. Two years ago i moved to another city to work and go to school and lived by myself. Now im back because these two years have been the creepiest and scariest time of my life. I have virtually went insane and drowned in the internet porn/filth industry while sitting at home. My shitty little apartment was like a little private personal hell. I left my apartment only to go to work/lecture and groceries, and laundry. Remaining time i spent going insane. I have difficulty recalling facts about my last two years. Sometimes i couldn't tell if i was sleeping or awake. I would wake up in strange places doing strange things. When i was sleeping i had fucked up dreams about monsters eating me or some shit. I would chase monsters around the room in my dreams and then wake up in a middle of hallway or something. I even think i had some sort of delusions. I had this pinching feeling all over my body. I though those were skin parasites or something. That really wrecked my nerves to the point where i didn't sleep for days. I abused sleeping pills and alcohol during that period. Had sex with prostitutes etc... How i managed to get through university and keep a job is beyond me. Anyway, now i moved in back with my parents. All the crazy stuff is now gone. However, i still have the same problems, only now they are hidden. I still cant read social cues very well. Flirting with girls gives me a headache and makes me mad. I dont know how to respond properly in social situations, i can fake behavior but im not really good at it. I have an idea of what kind of behavior people expect from me but i cant replicate it because i doesnt happen naturally. Like when watching a movie, be it comedy, action or horror, i look at other people's reactions and will try to mimic them. I generally have a correct view of the world, as in what is right and wrong, but i cant react to most things correctly. For example, some girls like to hug, some dont. You need to figure out what they like before you do anything. So i usually ask, or do it anyway to see what happens. I get in trouble allot for these things as you can understand. Part of my problems come from sexual frustration i guess. Drinking and mental illness follows suit. I really dont know how to keep myself from dieying. I cant talk to anyone about my problems because i dont even know where to start explaining my situation.