WTF ... IS WTF!?
We are a collective of people who believe in freedom of speech, the rights of individuals, and free pancakes! We share our lives, struggles, frustrations, successes, joys, and prescribe to our own special brand of humor and insanity. If you are looking for a great place to hang out, make new friends, find new nemeses, and just be yourself, is your new home.

A bunch of jokes.

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The Hermit

Cuz I'm just that damn good.
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no otherexcuses whatsoever!"

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."


Training Memo to all employees:

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T)

We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the course, please see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list, and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S. H. I. T. you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S. H. I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T).

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T).

Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they don't have to take S.H.I.T anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T, you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T).

For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T).

! ; This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T).


P.S. Now send this S.H.I.T to 5 people who need S.H.I.T in their life, just not the same person who sent you this S.H.I.T They have already had their fill of S.H.I.T.
Thank you for your time.
Sincerely, The Director Under the Main Bureau of Super High Intensity Training.
(The D.U.M.B.S.H.I.T).

(I thought of Redhawk as I edited the formatting on this one.)

Mildred and Chester knew each other from childhood but were in their seventies when they got married. They had to wait for Mildred's mother to pass away first. Back in those days there was no hanky panky before marriage so Chester and Mildred were both still virgins.

Needless to say Chester was pretty excited on their wedding night, having waited so patiently all these years. However, Mildred was very apprehensive as she had developed a heart condition and would have to tell Chester that they could not do it.

Chester is now sitting on the bed wanting Mildred to hurry up. He detects a little reluctance on her part. Thinking that she is shy he sends her off to the bathroom to get undressed.

When she reappears in her silk satin nightie, he gets her to sit next to him on the bed. Not knowing how to get things started he pulls the first strap on her nightie. She blushes just as red as her silk satin nightie. She is really concerned about telling Chester about her heart condition.

In the meantime Chester is looking at the first breast he has seen since his own mother's. It is hanging there down to her belly button: gravity having taken it's course over some sixty years. He realizes her anxiety but figures she is going have to be helped a little more.

Now he pulls the second strap and sees the second breast unroll downward before him. Poor Mildred is now beside herself. She is going to have to tell Chester about her heart.

With a quivering voice and mustering up all her courage, she says, "Chester, I have acute angina."

Chester says, "I hope so. Cuz you've sure got ugly tits."



1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."

3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."



6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED."

8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."

12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."


1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."


4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."



7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."

9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."

10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."

11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."


Harold is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?" She asks, "What?"...... "SEX!!" he replies. Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!" "I know, " Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while." "Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, and then unzips his trousers, removes his manhood
and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O. K. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female
resident, Ethel, who was holding Harold's manhood! Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I don't have?" Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's".


A train hits a bus load of school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates passed St. Peter. St. Peter asks the first girl, "Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Ok, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Karina have you ever had any contact with a penis?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, " Well once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through thegate." All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says "Susan! What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Mandy sticks her ass in it."


An elderly couple was sitting around one evening and the man says to his wife , "Marsha, we are about to celebrate our 60th wedding anniversary. We've had a wonderful life together,
full of contentment and blessings. But there's something I've always wondered about. Tell me the truth. Have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

She hesitated a moment, then said, "Yes, Sidney, three times."

"Three times? How could that happen?" Sidney asks.

Marsha replied, "Well, do you remember right after we were married and we were so broke that the bank was about to foreclose on our little house?"

"Yes, dear, those were really difficult times," replied Sidney.

"And remember when I went to see the banker one night, and the next day the bank extended our loan?"

"Gosh, that's really hard to take," said Sidney. "But since things
were so bad at the time, I guess I can forgive you. What was the second time?"

"Well," Marsha continued, "do you remember years later when you almost died of that heart problem because we couldn't afford an operation?"

"Yes, of course," said Sidney.

"Then you will remember that right after I went to see the doctor, he performed the operation at no cost?"

"Yes, I remember," said Sidney, "and as much as that shocks me, I do understand that you did what you did out of love for
me, so I forgive you.

So, what was the third time?"

Marsha lowered her head and said, "Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club and you needed 62 more votes?"


Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.......Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10-ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces into the glass without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?" The Government Employee called his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak, do your stuff." CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.


That's it for now guys. :)


Bad Monkey
A lady got into a cab and told the driver her destination. When they got there, she hands him a hundred dollar bill. "I can't break that. Do you have anything smaller?" She had no other money and then she got an idea. She took her pants off and spread her legs, "Can we make other arrangements?" The driver looked back and again asked, "Do you have anything smaller?"
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Muchly <3
What's the first thing a woman does when she leaves the battered woman's shelter?
The dishes, if she knows what's good for her.

Note: I am not condoning, nor have I ever condoned violence against women. I find it a horrendous and barbaric practice. That being said, I still find the jokes hilarious.

The Muffin Joke
There were these two muffins in an oven. The first muffin said "Geez. It's really hot in here" The second muffin yelled "OHMIGOD!! ATALKINGMUFFIN!!"
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Meaty Beaty Big and Bouncy
A guy walks into a drug store and asks the pharmacist for condoms, saying he needs them for his 12-year-old daughter.
The druggist says, "Your 12-year-old daughter is sexually active?" The man replies, "Well, I wouldn't call her sexually active. She just kinda lays there, like her mom."

Note: I am not condoning, nor have I ever condoned, incest. I find it a horrendous and sickening practice. That being said, I still find this joke hilarious.


Muchly <3
What are the sexiest animals in the barnyard?
Brown chicken, brown cow!

What's brown and sounds like a bell?

What's black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and red all over?
A nun falling down the stairs.

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, "I have a dead pussy"
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common"

A guy is walking past a bus stop and says to a woman "Can I smell your cunt?" "Fuck off, no you can't smell my cunt!" the woman yells back at him, "Oh" he replies, looking slightly confused, "it must be your feet then"


Honorary Canadian
Young son to his mother, "I have diarrhea. I need a Viagra."
Mother, "A Viagra? Why would you take a Viagra for diarrhea?"
Young son, "Dad says when he takes one it makes his shit hard."
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Muchly <3
So one day this little boy walks into his parents room to see his parents having sex. Completely embarrassed, the mom jumps out of bed and runs out to her son to explain. "Why were you bouncing up and down on top of Daddy?" he asked
"Well honey, sometimes Daddy has too much air in his tummy and I have to bounce up and down so his pants will fit" she replied.
"I wouldn't bother. As soon as you leave the lady next door is going to come over and blow him up all over again"
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The Hermit

Cuz I'm just that damn good.
The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday School every week.

On one Sunday, an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman,was in the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman she was.

While they were taking up the collection,the man leaned forward and said, "Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?"
"Why Yes, that would be nice," the lady responded. Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck. On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of South Carolina.

When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested, "Would you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no," said our circumspect fine example of southern womanhood, "Whatever would I tell my Sunday School class?"
Well, our gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked, "Would you like a smoke?"
"Oh my, goodness no," said the woman "I couldn't face my Sunday School class if I did."
Well, our boy felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn.
He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with, "Ahhh ....mmmm how would you like to stop at this motel?"
"Sure, that would be nice," she said in anticipation.
The gentleman couldn't believe his ears, and did a fast U turn right then and there and drove back to the motel and checked in. The next morning,after a wild and passionate night of the most incredible sex and perversions imaginable, the gentleman awoke first. He looked at the lovely Dixie darling lying there in the bed and with remorse thought, "What the hell have I done?
He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing, whatever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"
The lady said, "The same thing I always tell them. 'You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time.'"


I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me ... it was her beautiful, younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.


American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery.

It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.


A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin.

These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there is a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.

After sending some applicants through the background checks, training, and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances" they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well", says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened.

The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Now they're down to the woman left to test.

Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun.

"We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."

The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing.

One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"


A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."


Kenny works hard in dispatch and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Kenny! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Kenny. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Kenny if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Kenny, starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Kenny. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Kenny's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Kenny follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Kenny tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Kenny, you picked up a real bitch this time".


And...there's still more where those came from!
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Honorary Canadian
A redneck goes to a pharmacist and says: "I got a hot date tonight,
an' I need me some pertection. How much is a pack a' dem rubbers gonna
cost me?"
The pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax."
To which the redneck replies: "TACKS! Gawd a' mighty, don't they stay
on by themselves."


Muchly <3
Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic.....And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday .

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass.....and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, 'You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.'

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."

The Hermit

Cuz I'm just that damn good.
A Saskatchewan farmer and his wife, on their way back home in January, are at the airport in New York awaiting their flight. They are dressed in heavy boots, parka, scarf, mittens, etc.
An older couple standing nearby is intrigued by their manner of dress. The wife says to the husband, "Look at that couple. I wonder where they're from."
"How would I know?" he replies.
"You could go and ask them," she counters.
"I don't really care," he says. "You want to know, you go and ask them."
She decides to do just that and walks over to the couple and asks, "Excuse me. Looking at your dress, I wondered where you're from."
"Saskatoon, Saskatchewan," the farmer replies.
The woman returns to her husband who asks "So, where are they from?"
"I don't know. They don't speak English."


Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and out of your mind You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed.... "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. . PRICELESS


On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through.” So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through."” So the good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time?"
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