WTF ... IS WTF!?
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A bunch of jokes.

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Unforgiven

That Guy
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A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants.

The Bartender says "excuse me, you have a steering wheel on your pants."

The pirate replies with "arr, I know. It's drivin' me nuts."

---------------

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks "why the long face?"
 

Left Hand

I wear glasses.
154
21
18
A man is outside late at night in a graveyard. He decides to go grave-robbing, as his friends peer pressured him to. He finds a grave that he anticipates holds a very rich man. He soon starts to dig up the grave. After digging for so long, he finally he reaches the coffin. He opens the coffin and sees no jewelry or items of value. All of a sudden, he hears sirens and tries to escape. But the skeleton in the coffin grabs his leg and says, "Can you dig it?"
 
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PiercedPsycho

Muchly <3
3,393
131
250
It was 5:00 in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks. The drill sergeant walks in and bellows, "This is an inspection! I wanna see you's all formed up outside butt naked NOW!" So, the soldier's quickly jumped out of bed, naked and shivering, and ran outside to form up in their three ranks. The sarge walked out and yells, "Close up the ranks, conserve your body heat!" So they close in slightly...

The captain comes along with his swagger stick. He goes to the first soldier and whacks him right across the chest with it. "DID THAT HURT?" he yells.

"No, Sir!" came the reply.
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"

The captain is impressed, and walks on to the next man. He takes the stick and whacks the soldier right across the rear.

"Did THAT hurt?"
"No, Sir!"
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"

Still extremely impressed, the captain walks to the third guy, and sees he has an enormous erection. Naturally, he gave his target a huge WHACK with the swagger stick.

"Did THAT hurt?"
"No, Sir!"
"Why not?"
"Because it belongs to the guy behind me, Sir!"
 

gehtfuct

HuGE
Staff
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My brother posted this on Facebook today. I thought it was funny.


A Bears fan, a Packers fan and a Seahawks fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves his team more. The Seahawks fan insists that he is the most loyal. "This is for the Seahawks!" He yells, and jumps off the side of the mountain. Not to be outdone, the Bears fan is next to profess his love for his team. He yells, "this is for the Bears!" And pushes the Packers fan off the mountain... GO BEARS!!!!
 

Raoul Duke

Maverick, tipper of sacred cows
266
158
107
A little boy catches a glimpse of his mother coming out of the shower.
"Daddy," he says. "What's that hairy spot on mommy?"
"Well," his father replies, "that's her vulva, son."
"Then what's a cunt?"
"That's the rest of mommy."

Why did Hitler kill himself?
He saw the gas bill.

How do you circumsize a redneck?
You kick his sister in the jaw.

How do you know your roomate is gay?
His dick tastes like shit.
 

Lioness

Banned - What an Asshat!
11,964
6,074
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A man is walking home alone late one foggy night...





when behind him he hears:












Bump...




BUMP...




BUMP...





Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.




BUMP...





BUMP...





BUMP...






Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him





FASTER...





FASTER...






BUMP...







BUMP...




BUMP...




He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.








However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping










clappity-BUMP...




clappity-BUMP...






clappity-BUMP...





on his heels, the terrified man runs.





Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.



With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.









Bumping and clapping toward him.





The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!









Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
















and,

















(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)





The coffin stops
 

Quint

Banned - What an Asshat!
1,446
1,975
157
A man from a third world country goes to the doctor and says, "I feel terrible".

Doctor says, "Go home, get a bucket, piss and shit in it for a week. Throw in dead rats and rotting fish. Put a towel over your head and sniff the fumes for three days."

Two weeks later the man goes back and says, "Doc, I feel wonderful, what was the problem?"

Doctor says, "You were homesick."
 

Lioness

Banned - What an Asshat!
11,964
6,074
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How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
 

Masquerade

Banned - What an Asshat!
3,649
1,701
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An asthmatic man is outside late at night in a graveyard. He decides to go grave-robbing, as his friends peer pressured him to. He finds a grave that he anticipates holds a very rich man. He soon starts to dig up the grave. After digging for so long, he finally he reaches the coffin. Wheezing, he opens the coffin and sees no jewelry or items of value. Suddenly he hears sirens and hurries to escape. But the skeleton in the coffin grabs his leg and says, "Can you dig it, Sucka?"
 

-=iNsANe=-ADJ

I once ate broccoli
7,243
6,893
262
Ok a black guy from the US Army told me this joke, I hope it doesn't turn into anything unpleasant.

There's this black guy who finds the Aladdin's Lamp, he rubs it and then asks the Djinn for the three wishes it granted:
- I want to be white, clean and see a lot of pussies!
The Djinn turned him into a bidet.
 
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Lioness

Banned - What an Asshat!
11,964
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A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when a gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby.
The baby wouldn't take it, so she said: "Come on, drink it or ... I'll have to give it to this nice man here."
Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."
A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out: "Come on, kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

====================

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.

====================

A farmer is lying in bed with his wife when he turns to her grabs her tits and says "Honey if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow". Then he grabs her pussy and says "Honey if you could get eggs out of here we could sell the chickens". She turns to him smiles,grabs his dick and says "Honey if you could get this up I could get rid of your brother"

====================

The middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones.
The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend.
She texted:
If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.
The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:
I'm on the toilet. Please advise.

====================

One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.

Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

====================

A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
 
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