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A bunch of jokes.

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meltinginNM

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The middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones.
The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend.
She texted:
If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.
The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:
I'm on the toilet. Please advise.
^^All were great, but I loved that one best of all^^
 
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-=iNsANe=-ADJ

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^ that was old :p

oldies for oldies, I found this in a 2004 thread. I laughed hard and felt ashamed at the same time.
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One day I gonna to Malta to a big hotel, in the morning I go down to eat a breakfast. I tell the waitress that I want two pieces of toast .she brings me only one piece. I tell her "I wanna two pieces". She say "Go to the toilet". I say "you don't understand, I wanna two pieces on my plate". She say to me: "you better not piss on the plate, you sonnawabitch". I do not even know this lady and she call me a sonnawabitch!!

Later I go to eat at a bigger restaurant. The waiter brings me a Spoon and a knief but no fork. I tell her "I wanna a fock." and she tella me ,"everyone wanna fuck." I tella her, " you don't understand me...I wanna fork on the table." She say, "You better not fuck on the table you sonnawabitch."

So I go back to my room in my hotel and there is no sheets on the bed. I call the manager and tell him "I wanna a sheet." he tell me to go the toilet. I say "you don't understand I wanna a sheet on my bed." He say, "You better not shit on the bed, you sonnawabitch."

I go to the Check out and the man at the desk said,"Peace on you." and I say," Piss on you too, you sonnawabicth." I gonna back to Italy!
 
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Swah

Meet us @ IRC! Join the channel #wtfcom
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^ that was old :p

oldies for oldies, I found this in a 2004 thread. I laughed hard and felt ashamed at the same time.
.
.
.
One day I gonna to Malta to a big hotel, in the morning I go down to eat a breakfast. I tell the waitress that I want two pieces of toast .she brings me only one piece. I tell her "I wanna two pieces". She say "Go to the toilet". I say "you don't understand, I wanna two pieces on my plate". She say to me: "you better not piss on the plate, you sonnawabitch". I do not even know this lady and she call me a sonnawabitch!!

Later I go to eat at a bigger restaurant. The waiter brings me a Spoon and a knief but no fork. I tell her "I wanna a fock." and she tella me ,"everyone wanna fuck." I tella her, " you don't understand me...I wanna fork on the table." She say, "You better not fuck on the table you sonnawabitch."

So I go back to my room in my hotel and there is no sheets on the bed. I call the manager and tell him "I wanna a sheet." he tell me to go the toilet. I say "you don't understand I wanna a sheet on my bed." He say, "You better not shit on the bed, you sonnawabitch."

I go to the Check out and the man at the desk said,"Peace on you." and I say," Piss on you too, you sonnawabicth." I gonna back to Italy!
I must say, this is actually funnier on audio:
 

-=iNsANe=-ADJ

I once ate broccoli
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I'll give it a shot tonite, audio at the moment is NSFW, since I'm on duty...

edit: I've listened to it. Oh dear. I've heard many people talking really really bad, I can't pronunciate well some words too, but no, sorry, not like this. I know that Italy is renowned worldwide for bad English, but this exceedes everything. Damn.
 
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jujubee

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^ that was old :p

oldies for oldies, I found this in a 2004 thread. I laughed hard and felt ashamed at the same time.
.
.
.
One day I gonna to Malta to a big hotel, in the morning I go down to eat a breakfast. I tell the waitress that I want two pieces of toast .she brings me only one piece. I tell her "I wanna two pieces". She say "Go to the toilet". I say "you don't understand, I wanna two pieces on my plate". She say to me: "you better not piss on the plate, you sonnawabitch". I do not even know this lady and she call me a sonnawabitch!!

Later I go to eat at a bigger restaurant. The waiter brings me a Spoon and a knief but no fork. I tell her "I wanna a fock." and she tella me ,"everyone wanna fuck." I tella her, " you don't understand me...I wanna fork on the table." She say, "You better not fuck on the table you sonnawabitch."

So I go back to my room in my hotel and there is no sheets on the bed. I call the manager and tell him "I wanna a sheet." he tell me to go the toilet. I say "you don't understand I wanna a sheet on my bed." He say, "You better not shit on the bed, you sonnawabitch."

I go to the Check out and the man at the desk said,"Peace on you." and I say," Piss on you too, you sonnawabicth." I gonna back to Italy!
I love that!!!
 

Stardust

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I don't know if this ones old, but this is the first time I've seen it and I find it rather hilarious

"
My husband and i were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.

Because i didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, i explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.

"Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again."

The silence in the taxi was deafening....."
 

Lioness

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One day, Little Johnny's teacher, Miss Figpot asked the class if they could name some things you can suck!"
"Ice cream, ma'am!" Little Mary answered.
"Good, Mary." Miss Figpot said, "Anyone else?". "How about a lollipop!" said Steven.
"Very good, now it's your turn Johnny!", the teacher said.
Little Johnny, sitting at back then answered, "A lamp!".
The teacher and all of the students wondered about his answer. The teacher asked him, "Johnny, why do you think one can suck a lamp?"
Last night when I passed my parents room", Little Johnny answered, "I heard my mom say, turn off the lamp, honey and let me suck it."


****************************

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. “What’s up?” he says. “I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got doesn't have any clothes on!”
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, there is his brother,totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
“You rotten bastard”, says the husband, “my wife’s having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!!!"


*************************

Little Johnny Came Down For Breakfast One Morning And Asked His Grandma. Little Johnny: “Where’s Mom And Dad?” Grandma Replied: “They’re Up In Bed” So The Little Johnny Started To Giggle And Ate His Breakfast And Went Out To Play. Then He Came Back In For Lunch And Asked His Grandma. Little Johnny: “Where’s Mom And Dad?” Grandma Replied: “They’re Still Up In Bed” And The Little Johnny Started To Giggle And He Ate His Lunch And Went Out To Play. Then The Little Johnny Came In For Dinner And Once Again He Asked His Grandma. Little Johnny: “Where’s Mom And Dad?” Grandma Replied: “They’re Still Up In Bed” And The Little Johnny Started To Laugh And His Grandmother Asked. Grandmother: “What Give’s? Every Time I Tell You They’re Still Up In Bed You Start To Laugh! What Is Going On Here? ” The Little Johnny Replied: “Well Last Night Daddy Came Into My Bedroom And Asked Me For The Vaseline And I Gave Him Super Glue Instead.

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A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer. He notices a jar full of money on the bar so he asks the bartender what the jar is for. The bartender yes the man that there is a sad horse in the back and if you put $5 you can go try to cheer him up. If you cheer him up then you get the jar full of money. The man confidently pulls out $5, puts it in the jar and walk to the back to see the horse. He walks up to the horse and whispers in his ear. The horse starts laughing uncontrollably. The man then goes back to the bar to collect his money. The bartender gives him the jar and the man finishes his beer and leaves. Several weeks later the man returns to the bar and sees another jar of money. He asks the bartender what this jar was for. The bartender tells him that ever since he whispered in the horses ear it won't stop laughing so the jar is for whoever can get the horse to stop. The man again puts his $5 in the jar and goes back to see the horse. He comes back a minute later and the horse is now sad again. The man again collects his jar full of money but this time the bartender asks "what did you do to the horse the first time to get him to laugh and then this time to make him sad again?". The man replies "the first time I whispered to the horse...my dick is bigger than yours and he started laughing. To stop him from laughing this time...I proved it!"

 

53V3N

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Did you hear about the bass player that was so distraught over his bad timing that he jumped behind a train.

What's the difference between a bass and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a bass.

How do you reduce wind-drag on a bassist's car?
Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof

What do you throw a drowning bass player?
His Amp.
 
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-=iNsANe=-ADJ

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A 2nd grade teacher decides to teach sex ed. to her class. She starts out by drawing a penis on the chalk board and asks the class, "Does anyone know what this is?"

And little Johnny says, "Yes, my dad has 2 of them!"

And the teacher says, "Are you sure about that?"

And little Johnny says, "Yes, he uses a small skinny one to go to the bathroom, and a big long one to brush the babysitter's teeth."
 
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