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A Children's Book by S.C.U.M.: The Story of Jiraffe

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Icarus

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It all started one lovely summer evening in the summer of 1993. After a box of wine and a few Pabsts, a passionate bliss of lovemaking ensued between Jeb and Daisy Buckwheat.


Mr. and Ms. Buckwheat, mother and father of Jiraffe Buckwheat

As Ted Nugent crooned on a clock radio, the Buckwheats made their mobile home creak. The rusted frame and the coils of the suspension shuddered and groaned as the slumped mammoth with tin siding and pinstripes slowly awoke. Recent rains had changed the grade of the low lying land, and slowly at first, but with increasing speed, the Buckwheat's home left the mildewed lawn chairs behind and trundled precariously towards a ravine. The same ravine that Jeb had shot his first gerbil in, was now becoming much closer to the mobile kitchen that Daisy had cooked it in.

Jeb had long ago finished what he liked to call "tenderizing the love pit", and was passed out on the floor of the kitchen, bathroom, and family room, taking up most of the scarce mobile space. Daisy, too, was in an unconcious, drunken stupor, and neither knew their fate as they careened and tumbled into the rocky cleavage wrought years ago by the cruel shaping forces of the Earth.

They both died slowly. Ambulences and squad cars were both on hand within minutes, neighbors had missed the Buckwheats' trailor immediately when they noticed the comparative lack of stench. In the hospital, Daisy and Jeb were both placed on life support, but Jeb passed away overnight.

Doctors did not think Daisy was much better off, but she lasted months in a coma as Jiraffe's fetus from that fateful lovemaking sapped her of energy she might have used to recover. When doctors noticed this problem, they removed the fetus and placed it in a revolutionary new incubator. The surgery killed Daisy but Jiraffe would live.

As a child, Jiraffe showed an uncanny fascination with bicycle seats. All shapes, colors, and designs, although he preferred the large ones. Until he discovered WTF.com, they were all he talked about. Bicycle seats were invented in the city of Atlantis, bicycle seats are bigger than both Jesus and The Beatles.

Then WTF.com entered Jiraffe's life, and he developed new interests. This thing called "posting", although he was frustrated with his skill and comprehension of the art, intrigued him the most. It was strange -- he managed to be both quick-tempered and sluggish-minded at the same time. Jiraffe noticed this and it only made him angrier. Growing up without parents, without a real bicycle, had already made Jiraffe bitter. Then it hit him. He could return to his roots, the thing he loved the most.

Jiraffe left only a note and ran away from his foster home. It read:

"Dear Todd and Fabby,
I am not coming home. Don't bother looking for me. I am going to start a bike store in Hollywood.

Love,
Jiraffe"

Jiraffe caught rides with the nastiest of truckers and eventually made it all the way to Hollywood. Although he does not have many close friends, the last heard of him, he was pursuing a career as a gay man's bicycle seat.
 

screwy

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#4
This thread gets my seal of approval. Carry on, Iccky. In the name of literature, carry on.
 

dustinzgirl

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What if Jiraffe's mom really had died in childbirth with him, wouldn't you feel like an ass?
 

Jiraffe

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screw_ball said:
This thread gets my seal of approval. Carry on, Iccky. In the name of litterture, carry on.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that a member of S.C.U.M. has just totally disgraced the group with this thread or the fact that screwy can't spell literature.

Icarus I'll give you a chance to redeem yourself before I even put effort into a decent reply.:rolleyes:
 
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Jiraffe said:
I don't know what's worse. The fact that a member of S.C.U.M. has just totally disgraced the group with this thread or the fact that screwy can't spell literature.

Icarus I'll give you a chance to redeem yourself before I even put effort into a decent reply.:rolleyes:
you have to admit dude, that story kicked ass, and you know it.
 

Icarus

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I like how the only people dissing this thread are newbies :rofl: They obviously don't know how things work around here.

DustinzGirl said:
What if Jiraffe's mom really had died in childbirth with him, wouldn't you feel like an ass?
Not really.
 

JLXC

WTF's Official Conspiracy Fanatic
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#11
Nice story, but it seems awfully realisitic. I wonder why that is?
 
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Wow, so that's how it happened? I just figured he was just some failed test tube baby experiment ... at least his mom was "properly" inseminated :thumbsup:
 

Jiraffe

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dull_bullet said:
you have to admit dude, that story kicked ass, and you know it.
Okay I'll admit it! Icarus has made a mildly entertaining story:thumbsup: ...for the little children of WTF. But the grown ups are bored.:thumbsdn:
 

screwy

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#15
Jiraffe said:
I don't know what's worse. The fact that a member of S.C.U.M. has just totally disgraced the group with this thread or the fact that screwy can't spell literature.

Icarus I'll give you a chance to redeem yourself before I even put effort into a decent reply.:rolleyes:
:rotflmao:

Hey, it was 6:20 AM.

 

Jiraffe

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#16
You still can't spell. And I was just sick and pissy. I'll rep up you back later.
 

Jiraffe

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No it doesn't. But I figured you being a child and all you were just mad at me for taking away your rep. Suit yourself!
 

Jiraffe

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Apparently not seeing as I stated and I quote
No it doesn't. But I figured you being a child and all you were just mad at me for taking away your rep. Suit yourself!
Figured, as you well know, can mean estimated. I was estimating you were probably mad and found out you weren't. Hence the sarcastic suit yourself.

Not only can you not spell but you don't know the difference between a flame and a compliment! hahaha!
 
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