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A Lure Into War Unending (critique please)

mmm...cheese

Banned - What an Asshat!
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#1
A Lure Into War Unending

A drop made the oceans
A whisper is the wind
There will be no demotion, promotion, commotion
Oh God you cannot forgive us, we have sinned

What beautiful temptress, to whom we are kin,
Has lured all in, started the battle anew
But this battle we cannot again win,
For now we are few

Now there is waged, the same battle, a new war
What cannot again be faced, we now stand with, face to face
Yet with this challenge unrivaled, we stare plainly bored,
For at its start, we could not pick up the pace

As we lie here, in denial of defeat,
We suppress our thoughts, crush our dreams
Starving ourselves we cannot eat
Over yonder we cannot teem

SO... what do ye tink uh tis eh?
 

OmegaZeto

Eyeless Pilot
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#2
I like it... Except for that last line. It sucks. :) (i'm talkin about the scottish)
 

OmegaZeto

Eyeless Pilot
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#4
I see nothing at all that needs to be changed, for one thing.

It's a sad poem, but the symbolism is quite nice. The rhyming-yet-arythmic style takes the attention away from normal verse and allows the reader to see the metaphors used to describe war and human self-hatred.
Anyone with a decent eye for poetry would like this one.
 

dustinzgirl

Banned - What an Asshat!
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#5
I agree with the banned Omega. This is a very symbolic poem, have you thought of making this from a poem into a more classical ballad stanza? It has more of that, ballad feel too it....


But this battle we cannot again win,
For now we are few


It seems that in this line you try to hard, its like you could not figure out exactly how you wanted to say it, so you settled for this line...mabye Im wrong but that is the feel I get there.

_____________________________________

What cannot again be faced, we now stand with, face to face
Yet with this challenge unrivaled, we stare plainly bored,


Are you sure you mean to say bored here? I think perhaps a more lucrative word usage at this point...being the center of your poem....could use a bit more flare.
_____________________________________________________


As we lie here, in denial of defeat,
We suppress our thoughts, crush our dreams
Starving ourselves we cannot eat
Over yonder we cannot teem


I love the ending. Excellent langauge and word usage.
 
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#6
Is this the same guy who wrote that awful narrative that managed an A? Why couldn't you write your story with the same flare you gave this poem, the drama is intense.

"What beautiful temptress, to whom we are kin,
Has lured all in, started the battle anew"

Stunning, absolutely.

The subject did seem to wonder at times, especially at "but this battle..." and "yet with this challenge...".

I think it needs another stanza, the idea feels incomplete to me (unless that's what you were going for).
That or maybe I just want to read more, excellent poem A-.