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a poem about the past

Stardust

Being naked just feels so a-peeling
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#1
Hit me, kick me.
I know how powerfull you could be.
Hit me, kick me.
I do not deserve you, take another she.
Hit me, kick me.
leave me all alone,
So I was born to be.
Hit me , kick me.
I know it isnt a fairytale, you can hurt me.
Hit me, kick me.
It wouldnt be the first time for me.


Ive noticed..my poems aren't so "poetic" as others are..they feel like more like lyrics or something.. My bf is trying to get me to get my poems out..can someone give a neutral opinion? I can post them here..but only if some1 is interested :) but please reply :)
 

_Kitana_

Angel of Death
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#2
Stardust said:
Hit me, kick me.
I know how powerfull you could be.
Hit me, kick me.
I do not deserve you, take another she.
Hit me, kick me.
leave me all alone,
So I was born to be.
Hit me , kick me.
I know it isnt a fairytale, you can hurt me.
Hit me, kick me.
It wouldnt be the first time for me.


Ive noticed..my poems aren't so "poetic" as others are..they feel like more like lyrics or something.. My bf is trying to get me to get my poems out..can someone give a neutral opinion? I can post them here..but only if some1 is interested :) but please reply :)


Well, if you are looking to get them published. I think you will need a little bit more work, but you diffently have a good base to start with.

The flow needs a bit more work and time spent with it. I would try reading poetry and diffrent styles to get a better idea of how to make them more "Poetic" and able to flow more.

Hard to judge off of just one poem, thanks for posting though
 

Stardust

Being naked just feels so a-peeling
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#3
yeah I know..I should learn...but I don't know if I want to? it's a bit weird..these poems I write from my heart..so...dunno.
but here is one of my favs.


Sweet little angel don't go to the edge,
sweet little angel can fall into death.
Sweet lille angel to curious,
she just had a problem not to listen to us.
Sweet little angel going to the edge,
not to find death.
Just to take a peak,
She wants to know,
it doesnt mean that she has to go..
sweet little angel,
noone knows what's in here mind,
Noone knows what there is to find.
sweet little angel don't hurt yourself,
promise, give a smile, give in yourself.
you mean alot to all of us...
sweet little angel don't leave us.
 
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_Kitana_ said:
Well, if you are looking to get them published. I think you will need a little bit more work, but you diffently have a good base to start with.

The flow needs a bit more work.I would try reading poetry and diffrent styles to get a better idea of how to make them more "Poetic" and able to flow more.

Hard to judge off of just one poem, thanks for posting though
Ok, I agree the flow needs a bit more work, and reading to learn new styles is always good. However, I will offer this advice: Be careful when searching for new styles. Your poetry should be your own. So, be careful how much someone else’s work influences yours. Unique work is always better than, overused styles and subjects.

Other than that, Kit has it right. Your base is decent, but could easily be improved with a few simple tweaks. Though, I will say: Needing work or not, I still enjoyed reading it.

Also, as a side note to Kit: The flow of a poem is what the reader makes it. Although, poems should have a basic flow to them, the flow it self does not make good poetry. Of course, I mean no disrespect, after all your work is outstanding, and without a doubt note worthy when compared to other excellent writers. I simply disagree with you here.

Respectfully,

T.B.
 

CryNoMore

You can call me jesus.
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Wow.. I like your first poem. But if it did come from your heart and it's a reflection of your life, You need to do something...
Nice poem though. :)
I don't know why some idiots think poems are shit if they don't rhyme, It's the content or vocabulary that does it for me.

Jesus.