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A poem by mmm...cheese.

mmm...cheese

Banned - What an Asshat!
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#1
If you have any suggestions on grammatical errors or just suggestions, post your idea. CRITIQUE MY POEM!


mmm...cheese said:
Old Chains on the Eternally Youthful


What are these,
the shackles you have placed on your daughter
Where are her pleas
You, Mr. Father, out you have taught her,
about the things you have brought,
on a broken shard
When with a golden platter you had captured
Do you see these questions unanswered
Mr. Father, what is this you have wrought

Why have you barred,
the doors of paths as you so choose
Why have you marred, said to pay no regard,
to those which you cannot lose
Why have you led us askew
When you have all the cards,
how can you expect us to read ours,
and find the ultimate reason,
as to why you have bid us adieu

Father-Master, in what season,
will you reveal,
this underlying reason,
which you so gracefully conceal
What is your truth
Now go ahead and take the last word
Then he answered,
You will always have your youth​
mmm...cheese said:
P.S. If you cannot even brush on what this poem means... DON'T FUCKING CRITIQUE IT!
The above may have been a bit harsh after re-reading it, but just please don't make fucked up criticisms...
 

dustinzgirl

Banned - What an Asshat!
26,094
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#2
Old Chains on the Eternally Youthful


What are these,
the shackles you have placed on your daughter
Where are her pleas
You, Mr. Father, out you have taught her,
about the things you have brought,
on a broken shard (a broken shard of what? That line leaves me hanging, and not in a good way.)
When with a golden platter you had captured (Im not sure platter would be the right word here, I would have used chalice or goblet)
Do you see these questions unanswered
Mr. Father, what is this you have wrought

Why have you barred,
the doors of paths as you so choose
Why have you marred, said to pay no regard,
to those which you cannot lose
Why have you led us askew
When you have all the cards,
how can you expect us to read ours,
and find the ultimate reason,
as to why you have bid us adieu
(The above is good)
Father-Master, in what season,
will you reveal,
this underlying reason,
which you so gracefully conceal
What is your truth
Now go ahead and take the last word
Then he answered,
You will always have your youth
(Perfect last stanzas)

mmm....this is actually pretty darn good. I am impressed by your effort here.
Brownie points!