A Quick Rant/Review About Altec Lansing


Hella Constipated
Altec Lansing 310 2.1 Squeaker/Windwoofer Combo

No exaggeration, I actually came close to vomiting while using these...

Very rarely does a product come into my hands that is so shitty it cannot handle a nine-year old product it should handle with ease.

I was planning on using these for my DOS gaming machine - it's a REAL WIP, because I fucked the motherboard in it. I broke a cache chip.

Well, I was playing Descent II on my main machine, and the bass was so unbalanced I got the same type of motion sickness people got when the first Descent was released in 1995 - You vomit in a bucket, get your bearings, unpause, and keep playing.

Except, it wasn't the game's fault - the subwoofer is more like a wind from a hurricane than a speaker. It pushes air, it doesn't really conduct audio. Even after just five minutes of playing, I became so nautious that I just blew the main reactor and exited Level 1.

The immense movement in D2, combined with the brain-confusing windwoofer actually made me dry heave - thankfully nothing came up.

What is absolutely magical about these squeakers is that they need to be connected to the windwoofer to work. And guess what? The windwoofer has NO volume control! Even with the bassy dB levels set down to 10% in my Turtle Beach Santa Cruz control panel, the vomiting sensation returned. It's a new low for a computer product.

I also love the fact that the resonance from these things is so horrid, you can't fix it with a beach towel folded into eighths - the windwoofers air shoots all over the fucking place, effectively making my O'Sullivan computer desk a new Hawaiian Island. That cranny it's in is made for a subwoofer - and that's just a fucking joke.

Even Duke Nukem 3D makes you sick, and it actually sounded better on a pair of $3 headphones I picked up at Harmon Cosmetics - they were made by Sentry Electronics. In fact, it sounded better coming out of a Micro Innovations 3-piece speaker/subwoofer set, which was $5 at my local National Wholesale Liquidators. Actually, I'm going to go back there and pick up another set, and pray to God that two years later they have some in stock.

Everything about this system is a joke - It's all bass, and has the shittiest midrange I've ever seen. In fact, there is no midrange - and the Treble sounds like my Tiger Electronics Sonic 3 Handheld. That was $20, and for what is was provided better audio performance than these $50 shit-mobiles.

I've always heard great Altec-Lansings first hand - but this can't be defective. Just using them, you could tell they were made to suck ass, all the way from the crappy plastic, to the shitty connectors, and the lack of rubber feet on the front of the sub.

Buyer beware has never been such good advice.

Altec Lansing 310 Squeaker and Windwoofer Combo

List: $50 (Should be $10 now, but your local dollar store has better shit. It's discontinued for a reason)

Pros: It can play your Atari 2600 games...Maybe.

Cons: Too many to list.

Appeal: 70+ year old pedophiles who need a set of speakers for their Presarios.


0/5 Running Retards (Hence the link!)