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A slight misunderstanding.

ferengi

Yay fire!
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#1
This is the first story I've ever written (outside of English class). Enjoy, and as always feedback is appreciated!
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Tom eyed the man who was supposed to be his friend with a look of silent contempt. "Tom, hows about you, me, and your little lady go down to my cabin on the lake and do some fishin' on your birthday! C'mon, it'll be fun!" he had said, but to Tom this was more than a friendly invitation to enjoy a relaxing day of fishing. It was just another excuse for Bill, a man he had known almost 24 years, to go after his girlfriend yet again.
Tom had been suspecting for months that his girlfriend and Bill were having an affair, but neither party would confess. He saw them secretly meeting, discussing secrets he could only imagine, thinking they would never get caught. They told him it was all in his head, but Tom knew better. Their flirtations were obvious, and their conversations often went beyond friendly. Nevertheless, he had agreed to go on this fishing trip. This past week had been Hell for him. He worked 70 hours that week at the warehouse his father owned. Not only that, he had been in three fender benders that week. After that much stress, he was ready to get away, ANYWHERE, for some rest and relaxation, even if it meant having to put up with Bill and Tina's less than subtle carrying on.
They had spent all morning on the pristine crystal blue mountain lake. Nobody caught any fish all day. Even so, Tom was glad to be able to wind down a little bit. They were all packing up, getting ready to return home, when he heard whispering. Tina and Bill were having another one of their covert meetings. Tom ducked behind some bushes and listened to them.
"I'm so glad I'm finally going to do this!" Tina whispered to Bill.
"I know! Tom's going to be so shocked! I bet he doesn't even suspect! I can't wait to see the look on his face!" Bill said with a laugh.
"I'll bet this is going to be the biggest surprise of his life!" Tina said in a giddy tone, barely able to contain herself.
Tom couldn't believe his ears. "So, they're finally going to confess, eh?" he thought to himself, the rage building up inside of him. He stealthily walked to the tool shed and grabbed an axe, hearing Tina and Bill laughing in the background. He crept back to where he was before, only a few feet behind Bill. He waited for the right time to strike.
"Yep, when we get back his life is gonna change forever!" Bill said with another laugh.
With that, Tom lept out of the bushes, a look of fiery hatred in his eyes that would make the devil himself cringe. "YOU BACKSTABBING SON OF A BITCH!" He screamed in an almost inhuman voice, sinking the axe into Bill's back in one powerful stroke. Bill screamed, and began choking as blood started gushing out of his mouth. Tina shrieked as Tom removed the axe, and with another stroke split Bill's skull open. "DIE YOU BASTARD!" Tom screamed. He then turned his attention to Tina. "And YOU!!! YOU COULDN'T KEEP YOUR FILTHY HANDS OFF OF HIM, COULD YOU WHORE!!!?" He said, storming toward her with the axe in one hand, and slapping her hard enough to knock her down with the other. "Tom, please don't do this! I can explain!!! Please!!!" Tina begged as Tom raised the axe high above his head.
"Not this time, bitch!" Tom screamed, swinging the axe down with all of his might, severing Tina's head.
Tom put both of their bodies into the back of his truck and covered them with a tarp. He drove the 45 minutes home completely silent, his emotions a confused and intense blend of fear, hatred, betrayal, hurt, and love. He began to cry as he pulled into his driveway. "Stupid bitch, why did you have to go and make me kill you?" he said to Tina's severed head, which had been laying on the passenger's side during the whole trip. At this point Tom had completely lost it. He grabbed Tina's head by the hair, and slowly walked up the steps of his potch. He fumbled through his pocket with his other hand for his keys, and unlocked the door. He walked silently through the front door, taking his time. The house was pitch black. He squinted as he looked around and felt for the light switch. He flipped the light switch on.
"SURPRISE!!!!" a collection of family and friends yelled, and suddenly stopped as they saw Tina's head dangling from Tom's hand. Amidst all of the people hung a banner that said "Happy Birthday Tom! Will you marry me?" On a table in the back stood a bottle of champagne, Tom's favorite.
He stood there in utter shock. He looked down at Tina's head and fell to his knees in grief.
"Call the police!" he heard Tina's father yell. He heard other family members crying. The very last thing he remembered before collapsing into an unconscious heap on the floor was the voice of his horrified son, shrieking "MOMMY!!!!"
 

Captain 151

Seeped in a dry Merlot
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#2
A disturbing trend of violence and death from the writers here lately. Lots of axe-ing to death, jealous ex-lovers, things of that nature.
 
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#3
there's too much of that damn heavy metal going around. :p
 

dustinzgirl

Banned - What an Asshat!
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#4
tbsrk said:
A disturbing trend of violence and death from the writers here lately. Lots of axe-ing to death, jealous ex-lovers, things of that nature.

all at a cabin....been watching too much HBO lately?

anyways, this is an improvement over several others. :cool:

Opportunities: Dialogue; Scenery; Emotion

You have a good start, but it needs some additions.
 

I Hate The FCC

Homo est Deus
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#5
:rolleyes: Nice way to use my idea in "The Death Of A Family". How original. :rolleyes: :thumbsdn:
 

ferengi

Yay fire!
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#6
I hate the FCC said:
:rolleyes: Nice way to use my idea in "The Death Of A Family". How original. :rolleyes: :thumbsdn:
I didn't even read your story until you replied. Then I went and read it. The only parallels I see are the weapon used, and the fact they both took place at a cabin. The characters and story are completely different, yet somehow this is using your idea? Sorry you feel that way, but I can assure you that was not my intent.
 

I Hate The FCC

Homo est Deus
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#7
ferengi74656 said:
I didn't even read your story until you replied. Then I went and read it. The only parallels I see are the weapon used, and the fact they both took place at a cabin. The characters and story are completely different, yet somehow this is using your idea? Sorry you feel that way, but I can assure you that was not my intent.
It's practically the same plot. But yours is better. When I say it's like the same thing I mean besides the axe, setting and lovers killing each other. But still yours is much better than mine because you have greater detail and a surprise at the end. Oh well probably just a coincedince.
 

Icarus

(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻
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#8
It's good. Use more sensory detail, we want to feel the bushes scraping against his thigh while he creeps up with the axe. We want to hear and feel the wet "thud" as the axe rips into Bill.

Do I sound like a psycho or what? :rolleyes:
 

bigck3000

The Iron Lung
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#10
what about some puppies or candy?...I feel like I need to be hugged :(