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A True Story

Brain Spout

Wizard No More
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#1
You dont have to be a history buff (then again this might not be true since i am one) to find the following funny. these are actual answers submitted by 5th and 6th grade children in ohio. my history teacher read them to us as a joke today and i googled it and found it. it's pretty funny to hear what these kids say.
my favorite one is:
McCormick invented the mechanical raper, it did the work of 100 men. :lol: (edit: apparently this one isnt in here so ill tell at the end where it should appear)
another great one is:
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was
born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday.
i won't read all the great ones cause there are many more, i just wanted to point out 2 of my favorites

enjoy:
Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all
wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate Of the
Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened
bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount
Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada
but the commandos made it.

Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was A
actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds Like he
was sort of busy too.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't
have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.
Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock Which
is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a Dramatic
decline.

In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and
threw the java. The games were messier then than they show on TV now.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides
of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king.
Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus."

Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for
reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have
problems.

Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen," As a queen she was a success. When
she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that
was the end of the fighting for a long while.

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented
removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the
circulation of blood.

Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented Cigarettes
and started smoking.
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was
very dangerous to all his men.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was
born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much
money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies,
comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.Writing at the
same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He Wrote Donkey Hote. The
next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then
no one ever found it.

Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the
Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by Rubbing
two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself
cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is
still dead.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's Mother died
in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own
hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation
Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater
and got Shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show.
They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane
actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number
of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up
in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous
composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half
Italian, and half English. He was very large.Bethoven wrote music even
though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he wrote loud music and became the
father of rock and roll. He took long walks in the forest even when
everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for
this.

The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions.
People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The
invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.

Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why.

Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It was
very long people got upset about it and had trials to see if it was really
true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours but without
watches who knew anyhow? I don't get it.

Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she did.
Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find
radios because they were already taken.

edit: this paragraph:
The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions.
People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The
invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
should be changed to:
The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions.
People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. McCormick invented the mechanical raper which did the work of 100 men in half the itme. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
//end edit
 

ChilianFuckFace

Banned - What an Asshat!
2,186
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#3
Very funny!

Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was A
actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds Like he
was sort of busy too.
:p
 

BklynCannonball

pffffffffffttttttttttt...
3,452
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#4
WizardlyFriend said:
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
:p

I LOVE THE CIRCULATION OF BLOOD!

What would've we done without this important invention!

Love kids.
 

swizeguy

How dare you!?
912
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#5
haha my teacher read those to the class not long ago. Gotta love the fact that they will some day be world powers.... lol hopefully they brighten up