After you take a dump, do you wipe standing up or sitting down?

MaxPower

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I can't believe this thread is still alive. I for one think you should all be very ashamed of yourselves. Very, very ashamed.
 
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BeautifulSniper

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What if the toilet paper roll runs out mid wiping and you have to get off the toilet to fetch a new roll from under the sink or wherever they are kept. Do you stand up to get a new roll and then go back to the toilet and sit back down or do you awkwardly walk in a crouching position so as to not fully stand up?
I awkwardly walk.
 
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Templar

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I don't know how you guys shit and get it all over yourselves. I swear, kids nowadays. Do you all have dysentery or something? I proudly stand and wipe my ass. Back in my day...we used gubment 1000 grit sandpaper they called TP to wipe our virginal ass regions...I'm lucky I don't use a colostomy bag because I almost sanded my o-ring to nothingness over the years of the ass torture.

The trick to avoiding shitting yourself while wiping is to shit correctly so as to release the turds before standing up with one stuck in the exit chute.

I'll explain it potato-head style:

First, drop your trousers and undies or lift the skirt and peel off your thong so as to remove the clothing from the path the shit will exit your body.
Second, grab both of your ass cheeks and spread, making sure to expose your asshole completely to air. (You should feel a bit of airiness to this step)
Thirdly, affix those spread ass cheeks to the commode seat forming a seal so that your asshole stays exposed.
Fourth, push the bad juju out of your ass and into the honey pot. You will know when you are empty (I hope).
Fifth, give it a second after the lumber hits the water and then pinch your butthole a couple of times to cut/eject any foreign matter clinging to the browneye.
Sixth, once you are sure that all Klingons are ejected, stand, and grab copious amounts of TP to shield your hands from touching the dirty hole in your behind.
Seventh, wipe from genitals to back of ass crack, firmly scraping all the detritus from your bunghole and crack region. Repeat until paper shows clean.
Eighth, pull up your trousers and secure your fly.
Ninth, flush you dirty animal.

See, I do this a couple of times a day and I have yet to poop on myself. I'm a professional! I don't need to shampoo my ass after every use. Just a good wipe down and I'm ready to continue marching onward to oblivion.
 

MisterFister

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Back in high school I labored for a home remodeling company. We went into a house to fix some whateverthefuck. The home owner was a massive ham planet chick who smelled like cat food and regret. One of the carpenters walks up to me and said "go take a piss". I'm like...wtf. He says "just do it". So he points me in the direction of the shitter and off I went. Against one of those old school radiators stood a cat pole. One of those carpeted things cats use to get their scratch on. However this cat pole was quite unique. Wrapped around it was layer after layer of toilet paper. Used toilet paper. A mound of shitty toilet paper wrapping the cat pole like a mummy. After composing ourselves we concluded that the fat tub of goo couldn't wipe herself so she'd wrap the pole then back into it like a dump truck unloading gravel. She didn't bother removing the last installment so it just kept getting bigger and bigger like a huge shitty onion.
 
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Templar

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Back in high school I labored for a home remodeling company. We went into a house to fix some whateverthefuck. The home owner was a massive ham planet chick who smelled like cat food and regret. One of the carpenters walks up to me and said "go take a piss". I'm like...wtf. He says "just do it". So he points me in the direction of the shitter and off I went. Against one of those old school radiators stood a cat pole. One of those carpeted things cats use to get their scratch on. However this cat pole was quite unique. Wrapped around it was layer after layer of toilet paper. Used toilet paper. A mound of shitty toilet paper wrapping the cat pole like a mummy. After composing ourselves we concluded that the fat tub of goo couldn't wipe herself so she'd wrap the pole then back into it like a dump truck unloading gravel. She didn't bother removing the last installment so it just kept getting bigger and bigger like a huge shitty onion.
That has to be one of the most disgusting things I've read all day...and people are animals. I don't doubt it in the least. :p
 
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Dark Fader

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So, I went to visit GF @ her workplace on Saturday.
Arriving super-early in the morning (she had started at 4am), Coffee was running it's course in my system and I HAD to use her bathroom.
Sitting on my throne, I looked over to see this ...
unnamed (1).jpg

Immediately, I start running through my mind what kind of person does this?
Who would squat on the seat???
There are ALIENS amongst us!!!

So, I finish my deed, button up.
I ask my GF, who in this bright blue world was this sign posted for?
She had said she wasn't sure ... but one time she was in the bathroom, thinking that she was alone, only to see someone in the stall next to her rustle around after doing their 'thang', saying she was Vietnamese. She had also seen shoe prints on the seat many times.

Are Vietnamese people all over the Country doing this to our seats???
Does this position provide a better, more satisfying, bowel movement?
 
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BeautifulSniper

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She had said she wasn't sure ... but one time she was in the bathroom, thinking that she was alone, only to see someone in the stall next to her rustle around after doing their 'thang', saying she was Vietnamese. She had also seen shoe prints on the seat many times.

Are Vietnamese people all over the Country doing this to our seats???
Does this position provide a better, more satisfying, bowel movement?
Yes, it was probably somebody Asian, because people in Asia frequently squat to poop.
 

Dark Fader

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I think the real question on everyone's mind is, do you wipe forward or back?

 
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pissed 'n horny

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I've actually been shopping around for a bidet ... I've become a bit guilt ridden over all of the tp usage and now I have a whole new brand of Catholic shame surrounding my doodies.

So I guess you could say, I'm an aspiring squirter.
 
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BeautifulSniper

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I've actually been shopping around for a bidet ... I've become a bit guilt ridden over all of the tp usage and now I have a whole new brand of Catholic shame surrounding my doodies.

So I guess you could say, I'm an aspiring squirter.
I've heard that bidets make you cleaner than using toilet paper, and you save money by not buying anymore.