WTF ... IS WTF!?
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Bathroom, I hate thee.

Shurikane

Raging Hermaphrodite
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#1
Our new house is near damned perfect. Stuff is unpacked, setup is complete, I am happy.

Now, there was the time to inaugurate, or rather, to baptize this new house. It had to be done so by dropping a big fat shit down the bandwidth pipe of mother nature. And therefore, I headed to the bathroom downstairs to do just that.

Now, I am no quick sitter. Being the proud owner of five editions of Uncle John's Bathroom Readers, I can spend more than my share of minutes on the throne. Normally, this wasn't a problem. There was enough circulation to ensure a constant supply amount of fresh air, and if such supply was scarce, I could always use one of those smell-good sprays.

However, as I sat down and opened my book, I smelled something iffy.

Too iffy.

It smelled like shit. Full nose shit, as if I had just landed right into the asshole of Tubgirl in person.

Looking up, I found my answer.

The people who had made the house stuck the air vent right above the toilet bowl. And thus, despite the efforts of my escape fan to clear the stench, it was helpless. The air vent's grate was stuck open, and the flow was immense. And thus, whatever stench my feces were able to produce was blown right back into my face.

I gave the spray a go. Then one more go. Still nothing. In fact, it made the smell worse. Like when you mix a color you don't like with a color you like, you end up with some shit-brown color in the end. And shit it was, for I could no longer hold my breath.

Therefore, I do my job as quickly as possible, something my back end isn't used to, and therefore I burn from attempting to push my anus past its maximum rated speed. With my cheeks full of air and bigger than the ones on Chip & Dale, I flush and run out with more velocity than the Roadrunner himself. Only hours later am I able to come back and assess the damages.

The grate is hopelessly stuck open. I find my boxers next to the sink since I had left them behind in my rush. After four sessions of burning heavy duty, I realize I only managed to read two pages of my book.

'Tis a sad day.

For I no longer shall be able to bathroom read like I used to.

Bathroom reading comrades, I salute you and encourage you. Though I may have failed in the line of duty, I shall always be next to you, encouraging you and supplying you with the praises that true bathroom readers deserve. Amen.
 

Pachyderm

I really did.
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#2
I, too, am a fan of Uncle John. I guess it makes difference in that I am a girl, and my time upon the thrown is futile, but I still make an effort to engange upon a thrilling page-turner in Uncle John's Ultimate..
Sometimes I stay on my thrown for longer than is necesarry to get the necessary done. Sometimes, I enjoy the book other places as well as the bathroom, but I don't try to vacate the feces from my bowels.
Just going along with the style of writing. I think you're a better writer than those who frequent "Writer's Block."
Very amusing story.
 

wiseman

"angry"scientist
92
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#3
lol i 2 have had a similar experience (long story) turns out i was actually in a hardware store thats why i didnt hear the water when well u know.
 

wiseman

"angry"scientist
92
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#4
i'll tell the story in writers block later but for now you can just guess :) :rolleyes:
 

MaxPower

You're my number two
Staff
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#5
Man! You're like a professional shitter. Got any Interns working under ya? :)

I have Uncle Johns BR readers too. They're the perfect read for "Me time".
 

mariusthegreat

:: What Ebonics ::
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#6
i usually read/oogle national geographic.....might as well look at naked african chix....alone time with lil' mario and myself....:]
 

Descent

Hella Constipated
7,686
165
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#7
Your penis is named Mario?

Mine is named Mr. Tinkles.
 

mariusthegreat

:: What Ebonics ::
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#8
jstager said:
Your penis is named Mario?

Mine is named Mr. Tinkles.
...lil'mario dude...lil'mario....
....not so lil tho....well..uhm..id say...average....
 

pakdatson

Banned - What an Asshat!
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#9
damm what the hell did you eat, to make it smell so bad? was it taco night or something, lol?
 

G's-up

Postaholic
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#10
:clap: ROFLMAO.......I love story time......very nicely put for a "shitty" story......ehehehehe...ok so that pun sucked...... :thumbsdn:
 

wiseman

"angry"scientist
92
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#12
wow i just call mine spike or macho grande u know unoriginal things like that. but thats just me :p
 

extremepilot

Go jerk off or something
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#13
btw nice English
blahhh
I mean I speak English really well
 

Icarus

(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻
6,775
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#14
I don't nickname my genitals...

And calling it "little" anything is just a recipe for trouble, in my opinion. But then, so is all genital-naming.
 

Descent

Hella Constipated
7,686
165
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#15
Sorry NoSub, it's just a man's thing to name his nutz. Maybe you're just not into that, or you don't really care about your fuck stick.
 

Icarus

(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻
6,775
281
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#16
Naming your nuts... like lefty and righty?

Iunno, it just seems like a nickname is redundant. "Penis" works just fine.

By the way, we need a new name for the penis, and the hard-on in general. "Cock" and "Dick" kinda sound... gross? "Penis" sounds too stiff (No pun intended). And "Boner" isn't all that great either. They're fine just talking to your buddies, but if you're trying to talk to a lady, it's perplexing. I guess that's where nicknames come in..?
 

MaxPower

You're my number two
Staff
16,959
8,161
487
#18
Why did Dick want to move out?

Because he lives right between a couple of nuts, and there's an asshole around the corner.