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WolfmanYZ

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WASHINGTON—Americans were urged to be on high alert Thursday after Mark Milley, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, warned that dozens of foreign powers have access to food. “Intelligence from our operatives across the globe reveals the disturbing reality that the vast majority of our potential foreign adversaries have stockpiles of food and would be willing to feed their populace, posing a direct threat to the American way of life,” said Milley, adding that officials were in possession of satellite photos of farms, grocery stores, and even grain silos in countries hostile to the United States. “We’re talking foreign powers like Cuba, Russia, and Venezuela—not to mention China—which, over the last decade, have accumulated countless stores of meats, rice, and vegetables. We also have reliable indications that many of these food-equipped countries are enriching their foods with seasoning. With so many nutrients, there’s no telling how strong the people of these countries could become. Allowing this type of nourishment proliferation around the world represents a grave threat to United States hegemony.
 
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BlastemSkyHigh

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WASHINGTON—Americans were urged to be on high alert Thursday after Mark Milley, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, warned that dozens of foreign powers have access to food. “Intelligence from our operatives across the globe reveals the disturbing reality that the vast majority of our potential foreign adversaries have stockpiles of food and would be willing to feed their populace, posing a direct threat to the American way of life,” said Milley, adding that officials were in possession of satellite photos of farms, grocery stores, and even grain silos in countries hostile to the United States. “We’re talking foreign powers like Cuba, Russia, and Venezuela—not to mention China—which, over the last decade, have accumulated countless stores of meats, rice, and vegetables. We also have reliable indications that many of these food-equipped countries are enriching their foods with seasoning. With so many nutrients, there’s no telling how strong the people of these countries could become. Allowing this type of nourishment proliferation around the world represents a grave threat to United States hegemony.
Time for Raiding Sessions!!
 

WolfmanYZ

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WASHINGTON—Stripping the Republican representative from one of the most powerful and influential committees in Congress, the U.S. House of Representatives voted this week to remove Paul Gosar from his assignment on the Anime and Manga Committee. “While there’s nothing cooler than an epic sword fight, calls for violence against anyone other than a dark sorceress or psychopathic prince are absolutely unacceptable,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, who called Gosar’s behavior “disgusting” and “unbecoming of an elected member of Congress” in a brutal evisceration of the Arizona representative for disrespecting the popular Japanese art style. “Representative Gosar, you have no right to call yourself otaku. You will no longer be able to oversee or attend Bleach watch parties. You will also be removed you’re your assignment on the House Cosplay Committee. Sussy Baka!” At press time, the House of Representatives was voting on an official resolution to call Gosar a weeb.
 
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WolfmanYZ

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U.S.—After a brief hiatus amid racial tensions and increased anti-ethnic-mascot sentiment, the beloved Aunt Jemima is back, having signed a new 12-year contract with Frito-Lay.
"We are proud to announce that Aunt Jemima will be the smiling face of our products for the foreseeable future," said Frito Lay CEO Bob Chippington. "At a time when mascots of color are discriminated against at alarming rates, our company has decided to be a part of the solution."
Starting next spring Aunt Jemima will grace the packaging of Nacho Cheese and Cool Ranch Doritos®, with more brands rolling out later in the year—including Sun Chips®, Cheetos®, and Grandma's® cookies.
Neo-Nazi groups have condemned the move, insisting that Doritos are "for the white man." Woke progressive groups agreed, insisting Doritos are "are not authentically black enough."
Most Americans just said they were overjoyed to see Aunt Jemima's beautiful smile on a food product again.
 
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BeautifulSniper

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WASHINGTON—Stripping the Republican representative from one of the most powerful and influential committees in Congress, the U.S. House of Representatives voted this week to remove Paul Gosar from his assignment on the Anime and Manga Committee. “While there’s nothing cooler than an epic sword fight, calls for violence against anyone other than a dark sorceress or psychopathic prince are absolutely unacceptable,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, who called Gosar’s behavior “disgusting” and “unbecoming of an elected member of Congress” in a brutal evisceration of the Arizona representative for disrespecting the popular Japanese art style. “Representative Gosar, you have no right to call yourself otaku. You will no longer be able to oversee or attend Bleach watch parties. You will also be removed you’re your assignment on the House Cosplay Committee. Sussy Baka!” At press time, the House of Representatives was voting on an official resolution to call Gosar a weeb.
They need to hire somebody that will give us more hentai.
 

WolfmanYZ

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The B.1.1.529, or Omicron, variant of the coronavirus was reported by the World Health Organization on November 24, and speculation about it is now running rampant. We will answer the most pressing questions about the Covid Omicron variant.

Q: Where was this new variant first detected?
A: A panicked email forwarded from your mom.

Q: Aren’t there still a lot of unknowns?
A: Look, if we don’t speculate now, we won’t have half-truths to clarify later.

Q: Where did this variant originate?
A: The unwillingness of rich countries to share vaccine IP sure didn’t help.


Q: Is Omicron in my state?
A: It’s actually lurking inside your house watching you as you read this.

Q: How should your average citizen prepare for this?
A: Buy Pfizer stock.

Q: Who should I blame for this latest variant?
A: Everyone who has not reacted to the pandemic in the exact same way that you have.

Q: How many more variants will there be?
A: 47.

Q: When you think about it, Covid-19 mutations are kind of like X-Men, each with its own special powers...
A: That’s not a question, but yes, good point.

Q: Does this mean I won’t be returning to the office?
A: Ha, see you at 9 a.m. tomorrow with our coffee.
 
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WolfmanYZ

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‘Sesame Street’ Introduces First Enigmatic Muppet Who Has Yet To Reveal True Intentions​


NEW YORK—Renewing their commitment to diverse representation, the producers of Sesame Street introduced the show’s first deeply enigmatic Muppet character Thursday, a fuzzy, frail, and vacant-eyed monster who has yet to reveal his true intentions. “Despite our progress over the years, we realized Sesame Street had not yet found a way to represent mysterious, unsettling personas who speak in cryptic verse and invoke a sense of portentous doom,” head writer Ken Scarborough said of Rodolfo, a pale and perplexing puppet who in his debut episode hovers motionlessly in the background of every scene, eventually stepping forward to challenge the viewer with an inscrutable riddle. “We have Rodolfo looking up at the sky a lot, tearing absently at his fur, and counting backward from 10, over and over, for no discernible reason. This adds an air of authenticity to the character and will introduce children to the kinds of haunting and inexplicable figures they may one day find lurking in the shadows of their own lives. Longtime fans can also watch as beloved residents of Sesame Street like Big Bird, Abby Cadabby, and Elmo mumble warily to themselves in an attempt to discern whether Rodolfo is friend or foe, never really finding an answer.” At press time, children watching the latest episode had reportedly been driven to madness by the repeated deployment of Rodolfo’s catchphrase, “It’s coming…it’s coming soon.”
 
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WolfmanYZ

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College English Courses To Replace Study Of Shakespeare With Group Readings Of 'Antifascist Baby'
March 15th, 2021
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U.S.—After an aggressive campaign from English teachers across the nation condemning William Shakespeare for "misogyny, racism, homophobia, and classism," one local university has decided to remove Shakespeare from their English literature curriculum.
They will be replacing him with group readings of Ibram X. Kendi's seminal masterpiece, Anti-racist Baby.
"The fact that Shakespeare is considered the greatest English writer in history is beside the point," said English Professor Crandie Xanthamum. "The important thing is that he's problematic."
Experts are hailing the change as "a tremendous step towards decolonizing the white whiteness of Western English" and also as a needed adjustment since Anti-racist Baby is much closer to the reading level of most first-year college students today.
Students report being thrilled with the change, saying they also look forward to next year's course in the works of Homer-- which will be replaced with readings of Loryn Brantz's Feminist Baby.
 
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WolfmanYZ

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TV Show Makes Up For Lack Of Diverse Characters With Guy Who Says ‘Abuelita’ A Lot​




LOS ANGELES—Apologizing for their blind spot in casting predominantly white actors in the first few seasons, the creators behind the TV show Family Of Five made up for a lack of diverse characters Thursday with a guy who says “abuelita” a lot. “In years past, we took the easy route and ignored diversity, but thanks to our newest addition Juan, who loudly says ‘abuelita’ about 14 to 15 times an episode, that’s no longer an issue,” said show runner Greg Platt, who added that while Juan only has a few minutes of airtime, he makes up for it by frequently talking about his grandmother Rosa, who loudly refers to him as “mijo.” “While we can’t change the past, we hope that Juan will help us fix our mistakes by occasionally saying simple Spanish words that our audience will definitely understand without subtitles, like ‘hola,’ ‘Buenos Dias’ and ‘gracias.’ Juan may still be new, but we already have tons of exciting words for him to say, like ‘tio,’ ‘mi amor,’ and ‘adios.’” At press time, the show runners issued an apology after it was revealed that the actor who played Juan was white and had zero Latino heritage.
 
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WolfmanYZ

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YAKIMA, WA—Indignant over her continued ability to burn, visibly angry local woman Maria Williams, who is currently ablaze, asked aloud Tuesday why she even bothered to get a Covid-19 vaccine if it turned out she could still catch fire. “There’s no way I would’ve gotten that stupid jab if I knew I could still go up in flames like this!” screamed Williams, who was reportedly engulfed in smoke from head to toe as she ran through her home and accused the scientific establishment of deception, stating that it had failed to inform her of her continued flammability when it immunized her against the deadly virus. “Those shots were supposed to protect me! I went through all that hassle. I schlepped all the way out to Walgreens—twice!—and for what? So I could wind up with a sore arm for a couple days and still be vulnerable to third-degree burns?” At press time, Williams further cursed the nation’s public health experts upon realizing she was also still capable of spreading the fire to combustible members of her household.
 
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WolfmanYZ

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STANFORD, CA—Since the darkest days of the War on Terror, popular support for overseas military conflicts has dwindled among Americans, but according to a report released Wednesday by the Hoover Institution, the majority of the nation would approve of a new war if elephants were used in combat. “Of all potential variables affecting the country’s appetite for warfare, we see the greatest increase when the possibility of elephant-mounted U.S. troops is introduced,” said Dorothy Heinrich, a senior fellow at the think tank, explaining that nearly seven in 10 Americans would support more unilateral military interventions if promised the chance to see the giant mammals charge into action as war drums play and soldiers let loose with fierce battle cries. “Most concerns about military spending and humanitarian issues go away as soon as there’s the prospect of elephants trampling people and impaling them with their tusks. It doesn’t matter where or why the war is being fought—as long as there’s a guy riding on one of these terrifying beasts while massacring the enemy, Americans would generally be in favor of it.” Heinrich went on to confirm that in 2003, the wide, bipartisan support for going to war in Iraq actually arose from a misunderstanding about there being elephants involved.
 

WolfmanYZ

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—According to sources, Biden is just kicking himself after looking at his to-do list for 2021 and realizing he forgot to shut down the virus.
"Ah, dadgummit!" Biden exclaimed to a nearby potted plant while slapping his forehead. "I knew I was forgetting something! That's too bad because it was otherwise a f-f-flawless year for President Harris!"
Health experts say COVID-19 deaths surged all through 2021 and cases are currently skyrocketing because Biden misplaced his small spiral-bound notebook where he keeps track of all the items on his to-do list. "We all forget—It happens to the best of us," said Dr. Fauci. "I'm sure he'll put this item at the top of his list for next year."
White House insiders say that instead Biden decided there is no federal government solution to the virus and happily crossed the item off his list in time for the new year.