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Headlines Broken Tales ( Jokes Not sick baby jokes)

Broken

Member smoked too much weed!
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#1
As a squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, they came across a badly mangled dead body. As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier.

A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breath. They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head and asked him what had happened.

“Well,” he whispered, “I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth when I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, ‘Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash!’”

“He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, ‘George W. Bush is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash too!’”

“We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us.”
:p
 

Broken

Member smoked too much weed!
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#2
A guy from Quebec and a guy from Ontario are fighting over a lantern when a genie pops out and grants them each one wish.

The Quebecer says, "I want a wall around Quebec to protect my culture. Make it about 150 feet high, so nothing can get in or out."

"It is done," says the genie, turning to the other guy. "And your wish?"

The guy from Ontario smiles and says, "Fill it with water."
 

otepsoul

Bringer of Bees
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#3
once again i guess ill put my jew joke in.


Q. how do u fit 100 jews in a car????????

A.2 in the front 3 in the back and 95 in the ash tray :thumbsup:
 
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#4
We've all heard about the homosexual agenda... Well, one of my coworkers shared his with me. I don't see what all the fuss is about

The Homosexual Agenda:


6:00 am Gym

8:00 am Breakfast (oatmeal, egg whites and mimosas)

9:00 am Hair appointment

10:00 am Shopping (preferably at Nordstrom's or
Neiman's)

12:00 pm Brunch

2:00 pm (1) assume complete control of the U.S. Federal, state, and local governments, as well as all otherforms of world government;
(2) destroy all healthy marriages;
(3) replace all school counselors in grades K-12 with agents from Colombian and Jamaican drug cartels;
(4) bulldoze all houses of worship;
(5) secure total control of the INTERNET and all mass media;
(6) be fabulous

2:30 pm Mud mask and forty winks of beauty rest to prevent facial wrinkles from the stress of world conquest

4:00 pm Cocktails

6:00 pm Light Dinner (salad with romaine, radicchio, arugula, and balsamic vinaigrette dressing, grilled salmon and Pouilly Fuisse)

8:00 pm Theatre

10:30 pm "Do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight!"
 

Broken

Member smoked too much weed!
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#5
A man and a boy were walking in a forest. It was cold and dark outside. The boy says, "I am really scared." The man responds, "I am scared too, I have to walk back alone."
 

BUSHSUCKSBALLS

Bringer of sex.
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#6
I got a good joke!

Three guys walk into a bar: the first one walks in and says to the bartender "Man I must have the smallest hands in the world." And the bartender tells him "Well then you should go to the Guinness Book of World Records." Then the second guy comes in and says "Man I must have the smallest feet in the world." And the bartender replies again "Well then you should go to the Guinness Book of World Records." Then the third guy comes and says "Man I must have the smallest penis in the world." So the bartender replies yet again "Well then you should go to the Guinness Book of World Records."
Well the first guy comes back and says "Hey thanks man, I did have the smallest hands in the world I won $500!" Then the second guy comes and says "Hey thanks man, I did have the smallest feet in the world I won $500!" and then the third guy comes back and says "Who the hell is Broken anyway!"
 

GottaHurt

Sexual Deviant
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#7
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, " Why in the world do you need cyanide? The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license. Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and handed it to the pharmacist. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
 
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#8
Seamus and his mates are down at the pub enjoying a few pints when an old drunk stumbles to their table and looks at Seamus.
"I fucked your mother last night."
Seamus just keeps drinking, ignoring the old man.
"Maybe you didn't hear me boy. I said I fucked your mother last night."
Again, Seamus ignores him, and continues drinking.
"Listen, boy, I said, I had your mother down on the bed, ass in the air - "

"Christ! Go home dad, you're drunk."
 

BUSHSUCKSBALLS

Bringer of sex.
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#11
Meh.

Once some kid I don't know came up to me and said "I did yo mamma last night!", to try and be funny. But then I told him my mother was dead and he got all sad and he said he was sorry and walked away (even though my mother is in fact alive).
 

Broken

Member smoked too much weed!
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#12
badassmtbiker said:
Seamus and his mates are down at the pub enjoying a few pints when an old drunk stumbles to their table and looks at Seamus.
"I fucked your mother last night."
Seamus just keeps drinking, ignoring the old man.
"Maybe you didn't hear me boy. I said I fucked your mother last night."
Again, Seamus ignores him, and continues drinking.
"Listen, boy, I said, I had your mother down on the bed, ass in the air - "

"Christ! Go home dad, you're drunk."
10,000 points!!
 

Broken

Member smoked too much weed!
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#13
screw_you_jack said:
Q: What has six balls and screws you?

A: The lottery


hehe..... eh, yea, i know that was sad
There was a guy in Texas I think; that won the lottery at least twice, but for some reason I want to say three times. Now that's just fucked. I can't even win a free soft drink with the 1 in 6 odds.
Fuck me!!
 

otepsoul

Bringer of Bees
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#14
this one is stupid.


Q: There were 2 flys on the toilet: One flew away, what happened to the other fly?
A: He got pissed off !!!


told you.
 

Chris

Sick Bastard
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#15
A mother baked her three sons a pie from the inner of her heart, but she accidentaly dropped som BB's in. The next day, after they had eaten the pie, they first kid comes and sais "mommy, mommy, I was doing peepee, and a BB came out!". She explains and sais it's ok. 30 minutes later, the second son cmes, he sais the same thing as his brother. His mother explains and sais it's ok. 40 minutes later, the third son comes and sais "MOMMY,MOMMY, I WAS MASTURBATING, AND I SHOT THE DOG!!!!"
 

*AlmightySpoon*

Queen O' The Spoons
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#16
((Lmao Chris, That's awesome))

A man was in a fairly crowded public pool when he noticed his swimming trunks had fallen off. After searching a good while for them he realized he had no other choice. He hopped out of the pool, covering his privates, making a run for it yelling "MAD DOG! MAD DOG!" A young beautiful girl jumped in front of him, dropping the bottom part of her bikini and said "Well then, Let's muzzle that bitch!"
 

Broken

Member smoked too much weed!
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#17
Give the penis a raise!!

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

The response:

Dear Penis;

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised,
the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You must be stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all,
you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,
The Management
 

Chris

Sick Bastard
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#18
New Priest

This church hired a new priest to speak to the people. So when he went up to the pulpit to speak he was very nervous and he could hardly talk. When he was done he went to the old priest and asked him for advice and the old man said "when I get nervous, I take a little sip of the vodka next to the water". So the next day he went to the pulpit to speak and when he got up he did exactly what the old man said and he drank the vodka and he proceeded to talk up a storm. When he was done he went to his office and there was a note on his door, it read:

1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp it

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12

3. There are 12 diciples, not 10

4. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass

5. We do not call the cross "The Big T"

6. Father, Son, and The Holy ghost are not referred as Daddy, Junior, and Spook

7. We do not refer to Jesus as "The late J.C."

8. David slew Golieth, he did not kick the shit out of him

9. When David was hit by a rock and fell off his donkey don't say: He was stoned off his ass

10. When we say the grace at the table we don't say: rub a dub dub thanks for the grub

11. Next Sunday there will be a Taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffys
 
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#19
Father Flannigan is hearing confessions one afternoon when he remembers he has an appointment across town. It's 3:30, and he's supposed to hear confessions until 4, but that's when his appointment is. It's been a relatively quiet day, with only one person coming to see him, so he decides to take a risk. He looks out of the confessional and finds Tommy, one of the alter boys. He tells Tommy that he needs him to sit in the confessional and act like he's Father Flannigan. The priest wrote up a list of possible sins, and what the appropriate pennance (punishment) would be for them, telling for instance that if someone confesses to lying, then they would need to say 3 Hail Mary's, two Our Father's and so on. The priest leaves, and within a few minutes a women steps into the other side of the confessional. She tells him that she has committed adultery. Tommy consults the sheet, finds Adultery, and (in the deepest voice he can muster) gives her the pennance, and sends her on her way. At 3:55 a man walks into the confessional. He tells of mugging people, which Tommy finds under Robery, then of beating people, Tommy finds that under Assault. But then the man confesses to having anal sex with another man. Tommy searches the list but cannot find it. He scours the list again to no avail. Tommy opens the confessional door and looks around the church. He sees another alter boy - Timmy - and flags him over.
"What does Father Flannigan give for anal sex?"

"umm two twinkies and coke"
 

Chris

Sick Bastard
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#20
A wife left her four years old son with his husband and went on a business trip. When she came back after a couple of days, his son told her that dad brought a girl in the house while she was on busness trip. She asked his son what the girl did with his father and the boy said that dad took the girl inside the bedroom. The woman interupted his son and went to call witnesses which included her parents and the priest that wedded them. She also called his husband. When they have all arrived, she called their son to come and repeat what she told her. Their son said that when mum traveled, dad brought a girl in the house and they went inside the room and started doing what mum and the mailman do when dad goes off to work.