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China Doll

_Kitana_

Angel of Death
4,674
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0
#1
It was a typical Friday night in his home, a run down trailer plagued by the sweet smell of pot and booze. His small eyes searched the room through towering figures and frightfully loud music. He tried to listen carefully for his mom slurred voice, her rush of words that made no sense to him… but for the moment he was lost.

He could feel his heart racing, pounding as though it would jump out of his chest. He was scared again. Scared that he would not find her, that he would be left alone again. He remembered the last time when she left him, three days by himself in the house. She had forgotten him and ran off with her flavor of love again. He was trying to be good… trying to be a good boy so she would not forget him again, but he always failed…

He tried to stay in his room like she asked him, but a couple, a man and a woman, had fallen in on his floor. They where kissing each another and slowly undressing. He hide under his blankets until the man spotted him. Like a piece of trash the man tossed him out into the main room and bared the door behind him.

That’s what put him in this situation. His own home and so many faces and people he did not know. Finally a failure voice stirred with in his ears. It was his mother again…it was fait but he could follow it to her. He stopped for a moment. There was a guy with her, this one he had not met yet. He stood there in deep fear, he didn’t want to make his mother unhappy, he didn’t want her to be mad at him…he knew she would be mad if he ran up to her…she never wanted anyone to know she had a child. At least not a bastard son, as he was remind of everyday.

He had no choice now; there was nowhere for him to sleep. He was so tired… He slowly walked up to her and stretched his arms out. He just wanted to be picked up, hugged taken back to his room and tucked in safe.

She smiled at him at first in a dizzy daze. Her eye where clouded over and fogged up. He could tell, this was one of her bad spells. A time he knew when she was not his mother…she was like someone else, a monster. He stepped back a little… but fear locked him into place.

This was his mother…she loved him right? His eyes searched her face and then froze in a blank look of despair. His mother stared at her child; his face was like a china doll to her. So perfect and beautiful was he with red fiery hair and long eyelashes and bright, blue eyes. So innocent.. She could hear her lover laughing. As he handed her another needle, his other hand ran up under her dress, around her waist and upon her breast. His grip tightened around her as he pulled her body up close to his so she could feel his firm manhood within his pants.

“Ggets rids of the f-fucking kiddie” his lips seemed to slur out…

“My little china doll… relax, let me help you…” She reached out putting pressure on his upper arm. He tried to fight her but the man behind him held him… “Relax… Cody.” He could feel the poison enter into his body. He struggled hard and his arms finally ripped the needle out before anymore poison could get into him. This was his first taste of Heroine at the age of 3 or 4. He didn’t feel it at first…all he could feel was the blood and sting of his arm but the people begin to change forum… the walls where crumbling, the room was shaking… Shadows! His heart raced a thousand beats per second. He slowly felt himself slipping in and out of reality as though everything was a still frame. He could hardly remember what he was running from, and then it hit him, that monster.

The monster that pretended to be his mother was chasing him. He fell over and stumbled for a moment until he found a desk and which to hide under. He could barely hear what was going on around him, just the monster voice giving up searching for him and then the sound of the needle dropping to the floor.

His body felt sick, almost to the point of death. His hands clammed up and he shivered as though it was December with no heat. He tried to close his eyes… to make everything go away. For it all just to vanish…vanish far, far away. Then blackness slowly crept in… Deeper and deeper… he tried to fight it. He struggled as if he was drowning in it. His whole body was wet, drenched in sweat that poured out of him. He was alone, the very thing he didn’t not want to be. In almost a state of panic he tried to calm himself, to just let this fear… this great unending fear pass.
 

blah

Tenderony
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#2
Again the grammar, you make some weird mistakes...

This story is nice from a 3rd person view, a silent witness. I think however that the emotions you write about are adult and can't be from the child it is about. Children just don't think as complex. That's where it fails for me, it's realism isn't that of a 3-4 year old, it's far too mature.
 

Smoke

Banned - What an Asshat!
2,583
0
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#3
blah said:
Again the grammar, you make some weird mistakes...

This story is nice from a 3rd person view, a silent witness. I think however that the emotions you write about are adult and can't be from the child it is about. Children just don't think as complex. That's where it fails for me, it's realism isn't that of a 3-4 year old, it's far too mature.
WTF, again. I see no MISTAKES.
Anyway, Good story kit :thumbsup:
 

_Kitana_

Angel of Death
4,674
46
0
#4
blah said:
Again the grammar, you make some weird mistakes...

This story is nice from a 3rd person view, a silent witness. I think however that the emotions you write about are adult and can't be from the child it is about. Children just don't think as complex. That's where it fails for me, it's realism isn't that of a 3-4 year old, it's far too mature.

This story is old...

I would say a good 2 years or so.
 

blah

Tenderony
432
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#5
Trust me, there are a few small mistakes in spelling and past tense :)
Read again and see if you spot them :)

EDIT : So you had 2 years to correct em ? ;)
Nah, I'm bad at it myself but I do always find mistakes in the words of others. My own stuff is filled with mistakes :(
 

_Kitana_

Angel of Death
4,674
46
0
#6
blah said:
Again the grammar, you make some weird mistakes...

This story is nice from a 3rd person view, a silent witness. I think however that the emotions you write about are adult and can't be from the child it is about. Children just don't think as complex. That's where it fails for me, it's realism isn't that of a 3-4 year old, it's far too mature.
there is no real complex thinking on the boy's part. Other then him trying to be good. Children who often come from abused home have a higher rate of thinking as well. Its all reflective thinking from a 3rd person view discribing in much deeper terms what he is truly thinking.

If i was to take it down to a truly simplify it you would be left with nothing really. Thats why its wrote this way, its a mix of both.


Yes, i am correcting it now. Was reading through my old stuff
 

blah

Tenderony
432
0
0
#7
The second post has worse spelling, I'm not trying to nag here, I'm just sensative to spelling errors.

I understand you are trying to get a certain set of emotions across, they do however conflict with the age of the child, which makes it unbelievable for me, but that's just an opinion. In the second post I see his true age coming back when you write "I dont want to be wet, I want to be dry" or something along those lines.

On to part 3 :)
 

_Kitana_

Angel of Death
4,674
46
0
#8
blah said:
The second post has worse spelling, I'm not trying to nag here, I'm just sensative to spelling errors.

I understand you are trying to get a certain set of emotions across, they do however conflict with the age of the child, which makes it unbelievable for me, but that's just an opinion. In the second post I see his true age coming back when you write "I dont want to be wet, I want to be dry" or something along those lines.

On to part 3 :)
You do realize also that this story is copied over from another message board I post on. That like many things its was wrote on the spot there. If you like the story in this rough draft. I encourage you to take a look at the writting on my websiste. Now when will my site be don.

God soon
I hope,
 

blah

Tenderony
432
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#9
I'm not big on reading other persons stuff. I'm too restless :( But I will have a look once it's up and decide then ;)
I write everything on the spot, anything else will cause me to change stuff and finally block myself :(
I have a blog and will probably post something of a story tomorrow, if I feel like writing...I'll see...