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Dear Mr. Crackhead

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A friend of mine passed this to me. Some guy in New York's rant on Craigslist...

Dear. Mr. Crackhead,

Yes, you. You sick fucker. On Wednesday morning I emerged from my girlfriend's building by U.N. Plaza to find that you had sawed the tops off both the sparkplugs on my motorcycle. At the time, I had no idea why anyone would do that. Other than the sparkplugs, the bike was untouched. Some kind of bizarre vandalism? A fraternity prank gone awry? I had no idea. All I knew is that I looked like a huge douchebag riding the Muni to work in a padded motorcycle jacket and helmet. Because the bike was immobilized I got a $35 street sweeping ticket that night. Thursday I had it towed to the shop ($45) where they replaced the sparkplugs and the boots ($50 including labor). They explained to me that "people" - I use the term loosely here - like you break off the tops of spark plugs and use the porcelain tubes to smoke crack. As an engineer and former MacGyver fan, in a way I think this is kind of cool. But then I remember that I just paid $100 for YOUR crackpipes, and I get angry again. Crackhead, it was really good to have my bike back though. I rode home from the shop with a couple of spare sparkplugs and a smile on my face. I figured the next time I parked at my girlfriend's place overnight I would have to buy some crackpipes and tape them to my bike as a peace offering. Overall, I wasn't that upset. Despite having to ride the bus for three days and dropping a hundred bones at the shop, I had gained some fascinating knowledge, a new set of sparkplugs, and a pretty funny anecdote about how fucked up you are, and how our paths once crossed briefly in the night. But you couldn't just let sleeping dogs lie, could you Crackhead. You couldn't just stay in on Friday, watch Letterman through the window of a home electronics store and then call it a night. You couldn't rest on your laurels. Two porcelain sparkplug crackpipes just wasn't enough for you, was it Crackhead? You just had to come back for more. This morning, a scant fifteen hours after I rode it out of the shop, I found my motorcycle violated once again. This time you only took the right one - maybe you were having an off night. At least this time I had a spare sparkplug and the tools to fix it - or so I thought - having ordered a 73-piece toolset from SEARS.com last week. But no, the sparkplug socket in my new toolset was for American sparkplugs. So I had to go down to the neighborhood Ace hardware. They had an 18mm socket that would fit over my sparkplug, but it was for a 1/2" drive ratchet. My toolkit only has 1/4" and 3/8" ratchets. So I had to buy a 1/2" ratchet along with the socket. Even though the clerk took pity on me and gave me the senior citizen discount (I'm 25) it still cost me $22 all told. Now, you might say that I should have just gotten a 3/8"-to-1/2" drive adaptor instead of springing for the whole ratchet. And to that I say "Shut the hell up, Crackhead, I'm not finished. And besides, I was eventually going to buy a 1/2" ratchet anyway so it's probably not worth it to take it back now." OK, now I'm rambling. But the point is, Crackhead, that you have done me wrong. Now, I get that you love crack. That is totally understandable. I've heard it is really fun, at first, and quite addictive. What I don't understand is, YOU ARE A CRACKHEAD. WHY DON'T YOU OWN A CRACKPIPE? I am an engineer. Do you ever see me shaking down bums in the Loin for a calculator and sliderule? No, you don't. Because engineering is the main thing I do, I went and bought myself a calculator. The main thing you do is crack. How do you get by without a crackpipe? The other crackheads must clown on you non-stop. I mean, the fucking saw you used to saw off my sparkplugs is probably worth five or ten bucks. Why not sell or trade it for a crackpipe? You really haven't put much thought into this, have you? Please, Crackhead, please don't tell me you sold your crackpipe to buy crack. Even a stupid crackhead such as yourself couldn't possibly be that stupid. I've decided that taping crackpipes to my motorcycle would be tantamount to appeasement. You have crossed a line, Crackhead - specifically California Street. You have come onto my own street and you have desecrated that which I hold dear. You have stolen from me, and you have caused me to spend the last half hour writing this post instead of engineering shit, and it is concievable, if not likely, that my boss could find out about this and fire me. I am hella pissed at you dude. Here are my options as I see them: 1. Write a note saying that I have coated both of my sparkplugs in rat poison and tape it to my bike at night. You can thank Tim for that one, it was his idea. 2. Don't write a note, but just coat both sparkplugs in rat poison. This is probably closer to a punishment that would fit your despicable crime. I'm sure this is super illegal and shit, but it's not like anyone is going to miss you, Crackhead. Don't fool yourself. 3. Wait in an alley near my bike armed with my new stainless steel mirror-finish Ace Professional brand 1/2" drive socket wrench, my 18mm sparkplug socket, and my searing rage. It's pretty heavy and well balanced. I am not a large man, but I am angry. In conclusion, Crackhead, why don't you just do both of us a favor and buy yourself a crackpipe? It will both enhance your crack smoking experience and save me a lot of time and felony assault charges. Think about it. Sincerely, Matt *** If you are not the Crackhead that took my sparkplugs, please disregard this posting ***
 

ron

Buster of Asses
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#3
That is truly fucked up. Hunt him down and kill his whole family. I would lose my fucking mind if someone did that to my bike.
 

Broken

Member smoked too much weed!
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#4
badassmtbiker said:
A friend of mine passed this to me. Some guy in New York's rant on Craigslist...

Dear. Mr. Crackhead,

***
Sorry, but this isn't an engineering mind. First; an engineer is a problem solver. The solution is having to correct tools to remove the spark plugs and wires, after you park then taking the goods with you. Fuck there's only two! The idea of taping a crack pipe to bait the crackhead into simple rewards is that of civil servants mind in action. I think the author was a postman or meter maid.
 

GottaHurt

Sexual Deviant
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The solution to the problem is to purchase a Ruger 10/22 and clip the motherfucker.Don't kill him, just hit the bastard in the foot so he can limp off without the need of a police investigation.Word will spread quickly throughout the crackhead community "that that ain't no good source for da pipe".
 

Broken

Member smoked too much weed!
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GottaHurt said:
The solution to the problem is to purchase a Ruger 10/22 and clip the motherfucker.Don't kill him, just hit the bastard in the foot so he can limp off without the need of a police investigation.Word will spread quickly throughout the crackhead community "that that ain't no good source for da pipe".
You give the Crackhead too much credit.
 

The_DEAL

FAILING @FAILING!
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#8
whell if thats not funny i was missing the 3rd and 5th slugs in my truck and nothing else was touched that happend this weekend i was in st.paul
 
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#9
crack heads

Yeah that was funny as hell, but if the fucktard is a crack head he more then likely does not I repet does not own a fucking computer. As far as solving the problem with the fuckerr stealing your plugs, death and dismemberment would be the best punishment.
 
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#10
Lawdawg428 said:
Yeah that was funny as hell, but if the fucktard is a crack head he more then likely does not I repet does not own a fucking computer. As far as solving the problem with the fuckerr stealing your plugs, death and dismemberment would be the best punishment.
Really?? I bet the writer was just sitting at home wondering when he'd get an email back from said crackhead.
 

GottaHurt

Sexual Deviant
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#11
badassmtbiker said:
Really?? I bet the writer was just sitting at home wondering when he'd get an email back from said crackhead.
I bet he's out buying more sparkplugs.