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Defilement

dustinzgirl

Banned - What an Asshat!
26,094
191
0
#1
Conveniently less proper than what would be properly convenient,
I wait to hear the beating heart, breath and warmth that caress thy skin,
Spinning me out of control, out of consciousness, a world less than this.
And to what end, sitting upon tall blades of brown grass, a fly in the ointment.

Lost.

Is it my differences that make this an improbability?

Impossibility?

Is it that I am not what I should be, perfect, not unclean, but in forged truths:

Unclean.

Would the accumulation of my being be this, and only such as this would be?
Words written and ignored, unsaid and unheard, raping the language into pieces.
Falling on the wind before they reach ears that would turn in disgust, turn and laugh.
Blame uncompromised by honesty, self acceptance, self deflation, but will there be more?

Imperfection.

Is it that everything falls upon me, into me, away from me?

Desperation.

Superstitions rule the less educated, witches in the waiting wings of empty hearts.
Falling and cackling and laughing inside minds to confused to understand, scared to ask.
This is my chaos, my life, my anger. Let it the fuck alone, a river of insanity and more.
Do not ask what thou wouldst not hear, and enslave thyself not to the heavens.

Sanctity?

More or so less than what it should be, truth is a purity to be denied, and viciously so.

End.

No, for an end such as that would be too sweet a gift, to take thee from my tour,
Here, is my inadequacies. Here, is my defective being. Take it, hate it, be it as thy will.
But there is no other way to be what I am, to be what all would have me not to be,
Holiness in thy cloth wrapped skin, hiding the horns and the blood and the tears.

Defilement.
 

BklynCannonball

pffffffffffttttttttttt...
3,452
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#2
Nice!

I'd take the thy and thee out, it'll make it harsher and more real. Bring it more into the now which is what this piece seems to be screaming.

The sanctity section is short and sweet, and reminiscent of a chant. Not sure if you're going for that. But good none the less. You can read that line over and over again and be satisfied.
 

dustinzgirl

Banned - What an Asshat!
26,094
191
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#3
Thank you.

I know the thees and thy's kind of make it wierd, but for some reason I like to use them. I dont even know if I use them properly. LOL. I just like the way they sound......
 

BklynCannonball

pffffffffffttttttttttt...
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#4
I tend to do that too. I just think this is too raw and aggressive for the thys.

But then if you get rid of that maybe the forged truths would have to go too.

Hmmm....just thinking while I type I guess.
 

dustinzgirl

Banned - What an Asshat!
26,094
191
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#5
I think I meant for "forged" to be "forced" but when I read the final copy, I had typed in forged, which sounds...older, I guess....
 

BklynCannonball

pffffffffffttttttttttt...
3,452
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#6
Yeah, like a "forged sword", very medieval. Even Christian perhaps.
 

dustinzgirl

Banned - What an Asshat!
26,094
191
0
#7
Yeah, I was kind of going for that old testament feeling.......I dont know. I was thinking about the salem witch trials for some reason because they were on a show I had watched......im wierd like that.
 

BklynCannonball

pffffffffffttttttttttt...
3,452
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#8
dustinzgirl said:
Yeah, I was kind of going for that old testament feeling.......I dont know. I was thinking about the salem witch trials for some reason because they were on a show I had watched......im wierd like that.
Right, right.

Superstitions rule the less educated, witches in the waiting wings of empty hearts.
Falling and cackling and laughing inside minds too confused to understand, scared to ask.
This is my chaos, my life, my anger. Let it the fuck alone, a river of insanity and more.
Do not ask what thou wouldst not hear, and enslave thyself not to the heavens.

How many different styles are you mixing in this one paragraph.
It's very interesting.

I just got a brainstorm (very rare)!

Take this paragraph for example. You see your flow, you describe, you reflect, and you answer with prose. Just for shits and giggles, see what would happen if you use that throughout. Of course, not everwhere, switch it up a bit, but it would be an interesting exercise.
 

dustinzgirl

Banned - What an Asshat!
26,094
191
0
#9
BklynCannonball said:
Right, right.

Superstitions rule the less educated, witches in the waiting wings of empty hearts.
Falling and cackling and laughing inside minds too confused to understand, scared to ask.
This is my chaos, my life, my anger. Let it the fuck alone, a river of insanity and more.
Do not ask what thou wouldst not hear, and enslave thyself not to the heavens.

How many different styles are you mixing in this one paragraph.
It's very interesting.

I just got a brainstorm (very rare)!

Take this paragraph for example. You see your flow, you describe, you reflect, and you answer with prose. Just for shits and giggles, see what would happen if you use that throughout. Of course, not everwhere, switch it up a bit, but it would be an interesting exercise.
Hmm, I like that idea. One sec, and I will try it.

You know, most people are like, scared to critique me. It is refreshing to have someone ballsy enough to make suggestions. Thank you.
 

dustinzgirl

Banned - What an Asshat!
26,094
191
0
#10
OK< now look, I think it gets the feel across more better.

Such the way of life; conveniently less proper than what would be properly convenient,
Lying in wait for a beating heart, breath and warmth that caress thy skin, bleeding.
Spinning me out of control, out of consciousness, a world less than this, stars may follow.
And to what end, sitting upon tall blades of brown grass, a detestable fairy queen.

Lost.

Is it my differences that make this an improbability?

Impossibility?

Is it that I am not what I should be, perfect, not unclean, but in forged truths:

Unclean.

The accumulation of the soul, to be inept and internal, dark prayers from dark deeds.
Words written and ignored, unsaid and unheard, raping the language into pieces.
Failing, like my reflections of disgust and morbid desires, to lay empty upon thy breast
Blame me not for thy lack of honesty; acceptance; sitting upon the wings of propriety.

Imperfection.

Is it that everything falls upon me, into me, away from me?

Desperation.

Superstitions rule the less educated, witches in the waiting wings of empty hearts.
Falling and cackling and laughing inside minds to confused to understand, scared to ask.
This is my chaos, my life, my anger. Let it the fuck alone, a river of insanity and more.
Do not ask what thou wouldst not hear, and enslave thyself not to the heavens.

Sanctity?

More or so less than what it should be, truth is a purity to be denied, and viciously so.

End.

Ends such as this have no truth, they are defective remnants of Hellish correspondence.
They suck the marrow from thy bones, and leave nothing upon their wake.
Here, lies my inadequacy. Take it, hate it, be it as thy will, rip thy pain across't.
But there is no other way to be what I am, to be what all would have me not to be,
Holiness in thy cloth wrapped skin, hiding the horns and the blood and the tears.

Defilement.