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Father And Daughter Bonding

I Hate The FCC

Homo est Deus
3,559
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#1
"Oh what a bad decision you made Brittany." Gerald Leaf said. "A very bad mistake indeed. I thought I told you that you couldn't leave the house with your friends after 10:05."
"Dad I didn't mean to be late it was just that Kate had to go to Bruce's so we gave her a ride there." Brittany Leaf said.
"Did you really?"
"Yes Dad nothing but that." she said. Good he believes me. Now he won't even suspect us of smoking pot. Brittany was convinced that she had pulled the wool over her dad's eyes. She did not know about Gerald's bad temper or that he found her stash of marijuana in the car seat.
"Brittany why don't you give Daddy a hug?" he asked. Brittany smiled and went to hug Gerald. Brittany was surprised when she felt a flare of pain arise in her stomach. "Only fucking sixteen and you're already a whore." he said. "I found your "secret" weed you little bitch." Gerald was filled with rage. Gerald was not surprised that he had a boner. He never told anyone but he secretly wanted to fuck his daughter. "If you're going to fuck your father too." he said. "Now come here you slut." Gerald grabbed his daughter's hair and pulled her to the cellar stairs.
"What are you doing?!" Brittany wailed. "Stop you bastard!" Gerald didn't even know she said anything. "I'll call the cops!"
"You dumb bitch I am the cops! Did you forget that I am the Sheriff in Colinwood?" he asked. "Well all that aside I am a gentleman and ladies go first." he said. Gerald opened the cellar door and threw Brittany down the stairs. When Brittany hit the cellar floor she had a broken arm and nose. She was crying harder than anyone Gerald had ever known.
"Stop...Dad what's wrong with you?" she asked. "Why am I down here?"
"What's wrong with me? Nothing is wrong with me! It's you. You whore. As for your second question I'm going to fuck you and then kill you." he said. Gerald then ripped his daughter's shirt off. He saw that she had no bra on. Oh nice...very nice. What a great set of twins she has. Gerald thought. He then stripped Brittany of all her clothes. "A thong?!" "Who got you this?!" he asked. Brittany started to open her mouth when she saw his belt slam against her face. She screamed. "Shut up you cunt!" Gerald yelled as he stripped himself of his clothes. Now they were both nude. Brittany started to laugh. "What are you laughing at?!" he roared.
"You're the smallest man I've ever seen!" she said. He's going to kill me I know it. So I might as well go down with a fight. Brittany was reaching for Gerald's gun when she was slammed against the wall and her father was in her. She started to feel her father in her and then felt no more as his gun was fired point blank into her face.

Gerald had just finished burying Brittany's corpse in the cellar when he realized he would go to jail no matter what. He had left evidence everywhere. "Well I have to go too." he said. "I guess I'll hang myself over Brittany's grave." he said.

Gerald's body was found two days later when he didn't show up for work. His best friend found his suicide letter on the table near the front door. It said this: Dear friends I have decided to take my life. I have taken my life for the liht of sanity has been enveloped by the darkness of insanity. In that terrible darkness I took the life of my daugter. I cannot live with myself after I raped my own little girl. I have buried her body under my hanging corpse. I hope you will remember me for who I was when sanity lighted my way, not for the way I was after that flame diminished and insanity took hold.
 

dustinzgirl

Banned - What an Asshat!
26,094
178
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#2
It is a descent plot, but plays like a see sam kind of story. Take more time with your stories, you need to get to know your characters, and what they feel, not just what they do or say. Nobody fucks thier daughter the says "Oh, Ill just hang myself"

What was in thier head? what did the cellar feel like? and most importantly, did she have nice tits?

Homework for you: Read Stephen Kings Dark Tower series, Robert Jordans Wheel of Time, and of course, hemmingway.

Also, the pinnacle of the story should be the rape. It lasts have a paragraph. You spend two paragraphs setting it up and half for the drama and less than one for the conclusion.
 

I Hate The FCC

Homo est Deus
3,559
2
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#3
dustinzgirl said:
It is a descent plot, but plays like a see sam kind of story. Take more time with your stories, you need to get to know your characters, and what they feel, not just what they do or say. Nobody fucks thier daughter the says "Oh, Ill just hang myself"

What was in thier head? what did the cellar feel like? and most importantly, did she have nice tits?

Homework for you: Read Stephen Kings Dark Tower series, Robert Jordans Wheel of Time, and of course, hemmingway.

Also, the pinnacle of the story should be the rape. It lasts have a paragraph. You spend two paragraphs setting it up and half for the drama and less than one for the conclusion.
This wasn't supposed to be a real good story. I am pissed at this chick so I had her killed. It's a very quick short story.
 

dustinzgirl

Banned - What an Asshat!
26,094
178
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#4
I hate the FCC said:
This wasn't supposed to be a real good story. I am pissed at this chick so I had her killed. It's a very quick short story.
I see. You are angry at a girl, so you (inadequately) write a story where she is raped by her father and murdered, then the father kills himself.

I think you are also angry at your father, or male authority in general.

Interesting.

But, writing for the sake of emotions is excellent. I do it all the time. Most great writings are from emotions, hate, love, lust, fear, desire, anger, paranoia.

I am just saying that It could be much better. I iknow you can write better than this.
 

I Hate The FCC

Homo est Deus
3,559
2
0
#5
dustinzgirl said:
I see. You are angry at a girl, so you (inadequately) write a story where she is raped by her father and murdered, then the father kills himself.

I think you are also angry at your father, or male authority in general.

Interesting.

But, writing for the sake of emotions is excellent. I do it all the time. Most great writings are from emotions, hate, love, lust, fear, desire, anger, paranoia.

I am just saying that It could be much better. I iknow you can write better than this.
Nope. He's just some dude. I'm not angry at anyone but "Brittany". I can write better than this but I wasn't really feeling Gerald because he's just some guy. I've actually (this sounds weird but) had my characters do things on their own. For instance, Wes Lanning in my other story did things on his own. It was him that yelled about all the minorites...I mean it was like Wes was in me. Do you understand DG? I think you do. I mean he had his reasons for hating them. Which I will tell in a different thread. In Wes's eyes he was doing what was right. Gerald was nothing I felt nothing for him, nor did I like him. I usually have to like them to write about them.