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George Carlin's 7 worst ways to die

Hicts

Your mighty ruler. OBEY!
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#1
Since he is an entertainer, I decided to post this here. Old funny stuff.

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#1: You're in a leather bar with 200 heavily armed, wildly drunk, ex-convict, sadomasochistic butch lesbians. You climb on the bar and say, "Which one of you sweet little cupcakes wants the privilege of bieng the first in line to suck me off? If you're the lucky one, and give me a real good blow job, I might do you a favor and throw you a quick fuck and let you cook me a nice meal. C'mon, line up, you repulsive cunts, and I'll change your sexual orientations. I dare you to cut off my balls!"

#2: Walking through the woods one day, you encounter a group of devil worshipers who are disemboweling a small boy. You tell them what they're are doing is cowardly, unnatural, and morally wrong, and you're sure they would never try it on a grown-up. Especially one like yourself, who loves Jesus, and always wears his crucifix proudly. You also say that you just arrived from Australia, have no local friends or living relatives, and are planning to establish a Chirstian church called Fuck Lucifer. Then you order them to stay where they are, becuase you're leaving to get the police.

#3: You and your wife are the only nonobikers at a Hell's Angels' wedding, where all the others have been drinking, shooting methamphamine, and smoking PCP for eleven straight days. At the height of the celebration, you whip out your dick, grab the bride's crotch and shout to the crowd, "I understand you filthy, greasy asshole motorcycle cowards are supposed to be real good at gang rape, but I'll bet yiu can't fuck like me! Watch this!" You begin ripping the wedding gown off the bride, pointing out that your own wife is a virgen, and that you, yourself, have never been fucked in the ass.

#4: At a white supremacists' convention in remote Idaho, you take the stage wearing an ATF helmet and a Malcolm X T-shirt, and holding a United Nations flag. You perform a rap song that says morally and intellectually inferior white people should submit themselves to black rule and turn over their wives and daughters to black men as a way of apologizing for slavery. You mention that following your recent conversion to Judaism, you have become ashamed of your white skin and would gladly have it removed if you could just find a way to do it.

#5: Three sadistic sex maniacs have entered your house, and they find you naked in the shower. The most coherent among them asks if he can play with your genitals. You lose your temper and say, "Listen you perverted, lunatic fuck, leave my sex organs alone. And tell your drooling, fruitcake buddies I would rather place my cock in that paper shredder located by the window, or stuff my testicles into the Cuisinart, which is in the kitchen on the right-hand shelf, than let you disgusting degenerates touch my private parts."

#6: While attending the First Communion of a Mafia boss's grandson, you suddenly begin to pistol-whip the boy's mother, screaming, "I'm gonna hit you some more, you ugly dago bitch, and if one of these greasy, dickless criminal morons who call themselves men makes a move on me, I'll break his guinea neck. I'm hungry! Make me some fuckin' spaghetti and go easy on the oil, ya hairy greaseball cunt!"

#7: Your standing in a crowded Harlem bar dressed in the robes of a Ku Klux Klan Grand Dragon, holding a Confederate flag, and singing "Dixie" in a real loud voice with a Mississippi accent. You jump on the bar, shit in the drink of a huge man with numerous razor scars on his face, wipe your ass with a picture of Martin Luther King, and yell at the man, "hey boy! Get your momma down here, I want some dark meat. And get that fuckin' jungle-bunny music off the juke box, or I'm gonna start killin' me some boogies!"

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So, what's your favourite?
I like the 2nd best.
 

Zoso

Zappafied
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#2
Hicts said:
Since he is an entertainer, I decided to post this here. Old funny stuff.

------

#1: You're in a leather bar with 200 heavily armed, wildly drunk, ex-convict, sadomasochistic butch lesbians. You climb on the bar and say, "Which one of you sweet little cupcakes wants the privilege of bieng the first in line to suck me off? If you're the lucky one, and give me a real good blow job, I might do you a favor and throw you a quick fuck and let you cook me a nice meal. C'mon, line up, you repulsive cunts, and I'll change your sexual orientations. I dare you to cut off my balls!"

#2: Walking through the woods one day, you encounter a group of devil worshipers who are disemboweling a small boy. You tell them what they're are doing is cowardly, unnatural, and morally wrong, and you're sure they would never try it on a grown-up. Especially one like yourself, who loves Jesus, and always wears his crucifix proudly. You also say that you just arrived from Australia, have no local friends or living relatives, and are planning to establish a Chirstian church called Fuck Lucifer. Then you order them to stay where they are, becuase you're leaving to get the police.

#3: You and your wife are the only nonobikers at a Hell's Angels' wedding, where all the others have been drinking, shooting methamphamine, and smoking PCP for eleven straight days. At the height of the celebration, you whip out your dick, grab the bride's crotch and shout to the crowd, "I understand you filthy, greasy asshole motorcycle cowards are supposed to be real good at gang rape, but I'll bet yiu can't fuck like me! Watch this!" You begin ripping the wedding gown off the bride, pointing out that your own wife is a virgen, and that you, yourself, have never been fucked in the ass.

#4: At a white supremacists' convention in remote Idaho, you take the stage wearing an ATF helmet and a Malcolm X T-shirt, and holding a United Nations flag. You perform a rap song that says morally and intellectually inferior white people should submit themselves to black rule and turn over their wives and daughters to black men as a way of apologizing for slavery. You mention that following your recent conversion to Judaism, you have become ashamed of your white skin and would gladly have it removed if you could just find a way to do it.

#5: Three sadistic sex maniacs have entered your house, and they find you naked in the shower. The most coherent among them asks if he can play with your genitals. You lose your temper and say, "Listen you perverted, lunatic fuck, leave my sex organs alone. And tell your drooling, fruitcake buddies I would rather place my cock in that paper shredder located by the window, or stuff my testicles into the Cuisinart, which is in the kitchen on the right-hand shelf, than let you disgusting degenerates touch my private parts."

#6: While attending the First Communion of a Mafia boss's grandson, you suddenly begin to pistol-whip the boy's mother, screaming, "I'm gonna hit you some more, you ugly dago bitch, and if one of these greasy, dickless criminal morons who call themselves men makes a move on me, I'll break his guinea neck. I'm hungry! Make me some fuckin' spaghetti and go easy on the oil, ya hairy greaseball cunt!"

#7: Your standing in a crowded Harlem bar dressed in the robes of a Ku Klux Klan Grand Dragon, holding a Confederate flag, and singing "Dixie" in a real loud voice with a Mississippi accent. You jump on the bar, shit in the drink of a huge man with numerous razor scars on his face, wipe your ass with a picture of Martin Luther King, and yell at the man, "hey boy! Get your momma down here, I want some dark meat. And get that fuckin' jungle-bunny music off the juke box, or I'm gonna start killin' me some boogies!"

-----

So, what's your favourite?
I like the 2nd best.

i like the 4th one. funny stuff. i actually met George Carlin. I used to work at a japanese restraunt called Kabuto. I bussed his table. I said, "hey man, i love your comedy and i think you are the funniest man in the world." he just looked at me... as i turned to walk away he slid a dollar in my back pocket, and wispered in my ear "pull up you pants and get a haircut, son." when i got back to buss the rest of the table he was gone....
 

VenomHowell

Cynical Piece of Shit
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#4
I'm sorry, but for some reason I don't think that's really George Carlin's work. many people pass around shit as George Carlin's... And I think this may be one of those things. It just doesn't seem like his style to me. Sure he curses a lot, but beyond that this doesn't seem like anything George Carlin would write... I may be wrong, but I dunno... Interesting nonetheless, though.
 

DIZNUTS

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#5
#2 and #5 are funny as shit :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:
 

dustinzgirl

Banned - What an Asshat!
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#6
VenomHowell said:
I'm sorry, but for some reason I don't think that's really George Carlin's work. many people pass around shit as George Carlin's... And I think this may be one of those things. It just doesn't seem like his style to me. Sure he curses a lot, but beyond that this doesn't seem like anything George Carlin would write... I may be wrong, but I dunno... Interesting nonetheless, though.
I agree. Its not carlins style.
 
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#10
# seven would be the funniest because im white and would die very slowly