Get ready for Google Gulp


1. . How does Google Gulp work?

Well, to comprehend the long version of this answer, you'd need a PhD (from Stanford, natch). The short version is, our brains process data by sending electrical impulses called neurotransmitters between billions of neurons via axons running between synapses, much the way buses travel between stations, or MP3 files travel between felonious suburban teenagers. The molecular compound that fuels Google Gulp speeds up this process by, among various startling feats of neurochemical legerdemain, limiting the activity of the enzyme monoamine oxidase. You think faster – and feel better.

What's more, through our patented real-time DNA-scanning process, Auto-Drink™, Google Gulp is actually able to "take a picture" of your genetic profile, reconfigure its molecular composition on the fly, and subtly alter your brain's intricate mosaic of axonial patterns in order to facilitate even faster cognitive processing.

2. Wait – you're saying Auto-Drink™ changes my brain chemistry?

Um, yeah – but for the better.

3. Isn't that kind of dangerous?

Well, none of the lab rats who've been pounding this stuff for the past eight months have keeled over yet, which we find fairly reassuring. At any rate, you should be aware that by popping the seal on the twist-off Gulp cap, you send a wireless signal to Google's servers indicating your irrevocable acceptance of the Google Gulp Terms and Conditions, which do include the possibility, however remote, of hideous genetic mutation resulting from your consumption of this product. We're pretty sure you won't die, though.

4. What if I don't want to use Auto-Drink™?

No problem – simply turn off Auto-Drink™ on your Google Gulp preferences page.

5. Well, shouldn't Auto-Drink™ be default-off?

You mean we should cripple a perfectly useful feature just because of a little bad PR?

6. Yes.


7. How can I get my hands on a Google Gulp?

This "limited release" beta product is available to anyone who turns in a used Google Gulp bottle cap at any local retailer. If you don't have any Gulp caps, ask a friend to give you one.

8. What if none of my friends have a Gulp cap to give me? Can't you just give Google Gulp to anyone who wants it?

Well, we're thinking about it, but, um, you have to understand that there are many considerations which go into deciding how to distribute --

9. I mean, isn't this whole invite-only thing kind of bogus?

Dude, it's like you've never even heard of viral marketing.

10. Will Google be coming out with more food products?

As a rule, Google doesn't comment on future product releases, but...let's just say for now that a cool, refreshing drink isn't complete without, oh, say, chips and dip, is it?

11. When will you take Google Gulp out of beta?

Man, if you pressure us, you just drive us away. We'll commit when we're ready, okay? Besides, what's so great about taking things out of beta? It ruins all the romance, the challenge, the possibilities, the right to explore. Carpe diem, ya know? Maybe we're jaded, but we've seen all these other companies leap headlong into 1.0, thinking their product is exactly what they've been dreaming of all their lives, that everything is perfect and hunky-dory – and the next thing you know some vanilla copycat release from Redmond is kicking their butt, the Board is holding emergency meetings and the CEO is on CNBC blathering sweatily about "a new direction" and "getting back to basics." No thanks, man. We like our freedom.


Strange Amoeboid Creature
PatticusRex said:
It's almost as bad as Maddox's first april fool's joke...and this year's....

What the hell? Maddox'x april fools joke was great! Now I'm telling everyone to OMG LOL i feel so sorry for you LOLOLOLOLOL

And anyway, Google is meant to be the rock of the internet, the humourless being we can rely on. I've lost my faith.


junglizm said:
Why not? It's pretty obvious if you actually read it...

It came from google, so i believed it and fell for it. I've fallen for so much shit this year, i don't know wtf is wrong with me Lol.

n00b head

The pron storer
Maddox is the greatest person to ever live! Of course that doesn't mean much coming from me seeing as I am shit personified.


Descent said:
Whoa. You're the last guy I ever would have suspected to say that.

I personally adore his work.
Maddox is king of cliches and stupidity. His 'work' quit being interesting and funny a long time ago. It just seems like he tries to hard now. I rarely talk to a non-teenager who actually finds him interesting or funny. I'm not going to comment on what that says, so take it as you will... Of course, I'm probably biased after he shit up GBS for so long, but I already disliked him at that point. Ahh, but no more Maddox for me or GBS. ;)