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Half-Life 2 (serious)

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The Eclipsed One
Half-Life 2 is a first-person shooter game that is a sequel, oddly enough, to the game "Half-Life 3." Because of this unusual order of game titles in this series, many hardcore gamers commited suicide, believing that time and space has reversed, and that they will eventually turn back into sperms. Thus, the release date of this game, November 16, 2004, is forever known as the infamous "Day of Holy Crap, Time is Going Backwards, Kill Yourself Before it is Too Late." Unfortunately, for the game's developers, Ugly Spigot, the fanbase for Half-Life 2 was sharply reduced by 95%. Some may argue that this tragic incident was a result of improper product advertising, but others believe that this event was an example of Natural Selection (not the mod, of course.)

After 31 years in development and endless hours of forced labor by small orphans in Canada, the game was successfully released to the lucky 5% of the fans who have not killed themselves in the fury of confusion. Unfortunately again for the product's developers, the remaining fanbase have turn old and senile due to the fact these people were the only gamers who bothered to wait all those long years and the 3,568 announced delays of Half-Life 2's release. Of the 5%, 65% of that group have lost their vision due to health problems and/or the lenghty stay in the basements of some relative's house for almost all their lives. Or prehaps due to the intake of several gallons of Mountain Dew. There are two types of public distribution for this game. One involved the usage of an online program called "Steamy Crap." This program decided whether or not the customer is worthy of receiving the product he/she already paid for. In order to make this decision, "Steamy Crap" forced the user to undergo certain trials to see if he/she has mental stability and strengh. The customer had to survive while watching 80 minutes of homosexual pornography, 75 minutes of a movie involving sexual acts done to animals and, lastly, the same 80 minutes of homosexual pornography previously seen but with the music of the Backstreet Boys played loudly in the background. Sadly, many gamers did not survive the program's trials, and, as a consquence for their failure, they did not receive Half-Life 2. The other distribution practice for this game involved retail stores and departments. The boxes of "Half-Life 2" are covered with sharp razors and thrown violently at consumers.

The Story

The game's story follows a first-person perspective of a character named Gordan Freeballs, a fellow who was unemployed by a facility called "Black Mansex" after it blew up during experiments with gateways to alien worlds. The last memory of the facility Gordan Freeballs has is when the Black Mansex scientists were extracting an alien substance, X-453 (or widely known today as "Spam"), when deadly critters started to jump out the gateway and suck the "life-juice" out of anybody who fell victim to this unforseeable attack. Gordan remembers how he grabbed the explosives he stored in his locker (he never tells why he had those dangerous weapons there in the first place, possibly for a prank joke) and blew up the whole complex in a desperate attempt to prevent mankind from being in danger by these alien critters and being exposed to Spam. 8 years have passed and Gordan Freeballs still regrets that could not stop the aliens from corrupting human civilization. In the grim corners of City 69's train, he passes time drinking alcohol and yelling at and vomiting on passengers. Suddenly, he is visited by Gai-Man, a mysterious Republican, who gives Gordan a welfare check and sends him on a mission to free mankind by the oppression of the dictorship by "Our Benefactors," who are just evil alien people in disguise. He travels through the dark shadows of City 69, vast lands of New Jersey, and funny places that have no real meaning (but look nice) on his quest.

The Chapters

The gameplay of Half-life 2 is divided in chapters because it is cheap to do.

* Insert Point Here, Baby - Gordan Freeballs arrives at City 69 and, soon after, gets the crap beaten out of him by the city's merciless police units called "Condom Protection." This may have something to do with his African-American heritage. (Come on, "Freeman"?) After being dragged on the floor covered in his own sweat, blood and fecal matter, Gordan meets his friend Barfy, who is undercover in the city's police force.

* A Red Urine Day - Gordan meets some girl who is addicted to the substance an elderly man named Dr. Klogger gives her. Dr. Klogger claims that he and this girl are just friends and there are no unethical and inappropriate "experiments" happening in this hidden room. Uneasy and disgusted, Gordan decides to leave quickly by using a partical teleportation machine in the backroom, next to the doctor's vibrating "toys".

* Up the Kanal, All the Way - Lost, Gordan runs around trying to find where the hell to go in this city. Left and right, all he sees is the decay of humanity, the suffering of society and the soles of "Condom Protection" officers in his groin. Eventually, he hijacks an airboat but crashes it faster than a woman driver can.

* Watery Hemmroids - Gordan runs through the water believing he is Jesus. He is not Jesus. Therefore, he drowns.

* Black Eastside, Yo- Looking for a safe place to stay from the Police, Gordan finds a secret research facility populated with homeless bums and funny-looking illegal aliens. These people spend their time watching pornography, slapping eachother in the stomach, eating cereal and teleporting eachother's private parts with the new teleportation machines they have developed. Dr. Freeballs meets his college friend Dr. Elle Virgin, and they share stories about how stoned they were back in school and usual chit-chat about erotic fantasies. During the tour of the base, Gordan notices the experimental "Gay-vity Gun." Before his friend sobers up, Gordan steals this prototype device with hopes it will score cash on eBay.

* "We don't smoke Ravenholes..." -Yet again, Gordan is lost because New Jersey plays tricks on the mind. He stumbles into a decaying town filled with zombies, and, because of his extreme prejudice toward the walking dead, Gordan decides to blast, with his shotgun, every zombified creature. Many zombie children lost their zombie mothers and zombie fathers that fateful day. Accidently, Gordan shoots a crazy priest named Father Gonorrhea. Dr. Freeballs leaves the scene promptly.

* Highway 66 - Nothing really happens. Driving in New Jersey is always a waste of time.

* Deathtraps - While driving down highway during rush hour, Gordan Freeballs meets a tragic end. He and his car is pushed off a cliff, by an underqualified driver, into the water below. There, whatever left of him was attacked and eaten by deadly alien creatures known as "Antlosers," which appears to be hordes of mutated Doom 3 fans. Thus, mankind's progress is halted yet again by a foolish man from New Jersey.

Now, the plot for Half-Life 2 ends.


* "Condom Protection" - This militant police unit serves the purpose of maintaining civil order and obedience. To promote their opressive agenda, they use oppressive methods to overcome any problems in society. Condom Protection enjoys kicking people in the groin, kicking people in the face, kicking people in the groin and then the face, and, lastly, kicking people in the face and then the groin. These officers constantly dream of growing extra legs to kick people in the face and groin at the same time.

* "Bad Crabs" - These small, fast moving creatures enjoy attacking prey by attaching themself and attacking people in the groin. They are the favored pets of Condom Protection and often used in times of assault to clear an area of interest. Bad Crabs multiply and spread easily and can cause infection, but they can be defeated by certain types of shampoo.

* "Scanners" - These mobile, flying scanning units are seen throughout the cities and populated communities. The sole purpose for these surveillance devices is to gather pornographic live pictures for Condom Protection because, in this grim world, Google no longer works.

* "Zombies" - These are the least understood beings in the whole population. Everyday, they face discrimination and hatred because of their culture and their constant thrist for blood. They can never live a day where they will be treated equally with normal people. Just because they are decomposing walking corpses that hunger for flesh, doesn't mean that, deep down inside, they are as ugly as on the outside (sorta).

* "Strippers" - These are powerful, tall and deadly assault units that roam the street and watch below for any unauthorized combat activity. With its long legs, the segmented body of these units can vigilantly patrol the cities and easily watch for any unusual action. But Strippers have a design flaw; they were manufactured by Ford and will, when making a turn, rollover to its death.

* "Mancraps" - These are agile and small machines that scan for targets and hack them to death with its spinning razors. Once used for unruly children, these Mancraps were modified to handle and subdue bigger and hairier targets.


Gordan Freeballs has no friends. Recent findings also show Gordon has been visiting and has been found to have been secretly plotting the murder of that black guy with one leg. This blatant racism deters potential friends away. If this continues, Gordon is suspected to become Goth, with long black hair. But he has a friend that like to shove his long 9 inch cock up gordon's ass while caressing his plump ass-cheeks.


Funnier than a 5th grader
If you actually wrote that...great!! If not, you're fucked.

In either case, I have no idea what it's doing in here.


Banned - What an Asshat!
screw_ball said:
I doubt Eclipse wrote that.
Agreed, but to remove it I need proof. So find me some. As for the article, if your not into the game, you probably wouldnt given a shit. Even if you were into the game, you probably wouldnt have given a shit. As for me, a few parts made me laugh....esp. the welfare check part....and it was extremely well written. As in printably well written.

Eclipse: You get one chance here. If this is not your article, edit your post with a reference to the author. If you do not, and I find that you did not write this, I will ban your fucking ass. Understood?

Never mind, someone beat me too it. I still do NOT think Eclipse wrote this.
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