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Here's two fresh ones

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#1
Yeah, I haven't posted in awhile, little busy with college and two jobs, a girlfriend, and parental health problems, but that's no excuse for leaving an unfinished work on this thread, even though most have long since forgotten the series of poems I was writing online off the top of my head. However, the well went dry on those so I am taking a break for awhile, and writing some other projects while I recharge. One of the projects appears below, two attempts at jazz songs (their lyrics atleast).

The Dreaded Call

I realize, that my love is
quiet confusing.
Weeks can go by,
without a single call.
But if you could just
picture me,
sitting by the phone,
wondering what to say,
feeling, alone.
Terrified that my next call,
will be my last call,
that you'll call,
the whole thing off.
Then you can imagine why,
I'ld rather die,
than call,
just to hear you say
goodbye.


Lack of Focus

Stand on a cloud with me.
For two moments of one day.
See what I see.
The sky in it's array.
Know that when I'm gazing
off into empty space.
It's not me not listenning,
but me in a differant place.
I would focus on your words.
But how hard would it be,
for you to listen to an angel,
who approached so gloriously.
I'm still not even sure,
your nothing but a dream.
How do you prove perfection,
when it's never a reality?
 

dustinzgirl

Banned - What an Asshat!
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#2
Aliensavant said:
The Dreaded Call

I realize, that my love is
quiet confusing.
Weeks can go by,
without a single call.
But if you could just
picture me,
sitting by the phone,
wondering what to say,
feeling, alone.
Terrified that my next call,
will be my last call,
that you'll call,
the whole thing off.
Then you can imagine why,
I'ld rather die,
than call,
just to hear you say
goodbye.
This one I dont really like. It seems short, and honestly kind of boring. I want to know how you felt....did your gut clench up and your eyes explode? What actually happened....not just rhyming......but telling what happened in a manner that is imaginative and original....

Aliensavant said:
Lack of Focus

Stand on a cloud with me.
For two moments of one day.
See what I see.
The sky in it's array.
Know that when I'm gazing
off into empty space.
It's not me not listenning,
but me in a differant place.
I would focus on your words.
But how hard would it be,
for you to listen to an angel,
who approached so gloriously.
I'm still not even sure,
your nothing but a dream.
How do you prove perfection,
when it's never a reality?
This one could use some work, but the first few lines are cool as hell.....I mean, that image is just rocking.....
The only lines I dont really like are the middle ones, becuase you seem to lose some of that interestingness that you had in the first few and we see again in the last few. Mabye if you took a few more lines to define your "different place" and why you are not listening, it would spice it up.