Humor for the day??

[TwisT]

WHY HE FIRED HIS SECRETARY
Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too good that
morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and
say, "Happy Birthday!" and probably have a present for me. As it
turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy
birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will
remember...
The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I
left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning,
Boss; Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better that someone had
remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and
said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your
birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George,
that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went
out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch
tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a
beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said,
"No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After
arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think
I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."
"Sure" I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ----- followed by my wife, children, and
dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday. And I just sat
there ---- on the couch ---- naked.

 

[TwisT]

I need a man!!!

A liitle boy comes home from school one day....As he is walking past his mothers room he looks in and sees her standing in front of a full length mirror. She is rubbing herself up and down and repeating the words "I need a MAN!!! I need a MAN!!!!"
The little boy is thinkin...Man, my mom has lost it!!!! Well, he goes on into his room and forgets about it.
The next day when comes home after school he looks into her room.....There she is again...In front of the full length morror. Rubbing herself up and down repeating the same words......"I need a MAN!!! I need a MAN!!!!"
Now this little boy is thinking......My mom is whacked, she is totally f*ckin out there!!!! He goes into his room to do his homework and forgets about it.
The next day he comes home from school and when he walks by his mothers room Lo and behold there is some guy in there with her. This guy is just gettin it on with his mom....I mean just knockin the bottom out of her.
The little boy is like......Whoa......He goes to his room and does his homework trying to keep his mind off of all the noise comming from his moms room.
Later that night........The mom decides to go check on her little boy. She gets to his door and there he is............Standing in front of his mirror!!!!

Rubbing himself up and down saying............................"I need a BIKE!!!!! I need a BIKE!!!!!

 

[TwisT]

Lezbonics

1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians?
...A licker cabinet.

2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
.... A Klondyke.

3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
....Militia Etheridge.

4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?
....Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

5. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
...Fur Traders.

6. What is a lesbian dinosaur called?
....A Lickalotapuss.

7. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
....Well Hung.

8. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned?
....She was found face down in Ricki Lake.

9. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
....Even the pool table doesn't have balls.

10. What do you call lesbian twins?
...Lick-a-likes.

11. What's the definition of confusion?
....Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

12. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
...One's a snack cracker, the other's a crack snacker

 

[magnolia]

hahaha. oops. I think I just shit myself.

 

[_pissed_biotch_]

hahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhaahhahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha............ **rubs self up and down saying "I need to cut down on SUGAR!"**..............

 

[TwisT]

"Twas the Night Before Christmas" White trash style

Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through the shack
Not a creature was stirrin', cept the lice on muh back.
The Skoal cans wuz nailed to the screen door with care,
With hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
The children were in', all snug in their beds,
While visions of tractor pulls danced in their heads.
And Ma in her nightgown all stained with pound cake.
Had just settled down to watch Ricki Lake.

When out in the driveway, a loud noise I heard,
I opened the winder to check muh T-bird.
I ran to the door, like I's on a mission,
But I tripped on some parts from muh granny's transmission.

The moon shone outside, the hound dog wuz barkin'.
Muh daughter weren't home yet, she wuz still out parkin'.

When what to muh whiskey blind eyes should I see
But a Chevy S-10, pulled by eight flyin' sheep.
With a fat nasty driver, so disgustin' and sick
I said, "Shoot Fire! That must be St. Nick!

More rapid than X-lax his wooly sheep came
And he belched and he hollered, and he called 'em by name.

Now CLIFFORD! Now VERNON! Now LESTER and ENUS!
On FESTUS! On ELMER! On ROSCOE and CLETUS!

From the top of the shack to them there garbage bins
Now Dash Away! Dash Away! Dash Away youins!

I heard a loud sound on the roof of muh shack.
Pud down muh beer and went fer muh gun rack.
He fell through the roof, plum killed my dog,
I swear that ole' Santa looked just like Boss Hog.

He wore a T-shirt, rebel flag on the front,
And his jeans were all bloody from that morning's hunt.
A big nekkid lady tattooed on his arm,
And he wore black boots that he'd picked up in 'Nam.

His eyes, how they glazed from too much Wild Turkey.
From the side of his mouth hung a stick of beef jerky.
A scar on his cheek from a fight with the cops.
The veins on his face looked ready to pop.

The butt of a Marlboro clung to his lip
He wore a hip pack full of B-B-Q chips.
He had a fat face and a hairy beer belly.
I ain't seen one that big since muh ex-wife Shelly.

He was gap-toothed and dumb with an I.Q. of three
And I laughed cause that redneck was smarter than me.
A wink of his eye, a fierce shake of his head,
From his hair came a rat that ran under the bed.

He reached in his sack, sipped his gin and tonic,
Then filled the kid's stockings with Hooked on Phonics.
His toys came from Big Lots and they weren't very nice
But he had lots of them and yuh can't beat the price.

He gave us a tape of them hound dogs that sing Jingle Bells.
Some Crisco, some Spam, some Oatmeal Cream pies,
And a Nascar T-shirt in Double X size.

When the presents were gone and he had no more,
He staggered and stumbled right through muh screen door.

He hopped in his truck, to his sheep gave an order
"Hurry up youins! To the Tennessee border!"
And I heard him cry out, with a strong southern drawl,
"MERRY CHRISTMAS, YOU REDNECKS! MERRY CHRISTMAS Y'ALL... YEE HAWWWW!

 

[TwisT]

sexual harassment

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands
very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that
her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to Human
Resources.

Without identifying the guy, she tells them what the
coworker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against
him.

The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, "What is
sexually threatening about a coworker telling you your hair smells
nice?

The woman replies, "It's Keith...... The midget."

 

[TwisT]

Panty Remover..

Liquid panty remover..

 

[TwisT]

2 Fleas.

Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every summer in Miami for a vacation. When one flea gets to Miami, he's shivering and shaking. The other flea asks him, "Why are you shaking so badly?". The flea says, "I rode down here from New Jersey in the mustache of a guy on a Harley". The other flea responds saying, "That's the worst way to travel. Try what I do. Go to the New Jersey airport bar. Have a few drinks. While you are there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where it's warm and cozy. It's the best way to travel. The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next summer. A year goes by.... When the first flea shows up in Miami he is shivering and shaking again. The second flea says "Didn't you try what I told you?" "Yes," says the first flea, "I did exactly what you said. I went to the New Jersey airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep When I woke up, I was back in the mustache of a guy on a Harley.

 

[Unforgiven]

A man went to his doctor and asked him how to prolong the lovemaking experience. The doctor told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer, extending the pleasure for them and their partner.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he came up with a plan.

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.

Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.

As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there, because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago."

 

[TwisT]

Nice...

 

[Ctoit]

ROFLMAO.........thats some funny shit....

 

[Seije]

omfg lmao
what a great way to start your morning reading this stuff
hahahahahahahhaaaaaaaaaaa

 

[.Com]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.


The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

 

[DropAcid]

A man went to his doctor and asked him how to prolong the lovemaking experience. The doctor told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer, extending the pleasure for them and their partner.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he came up with a plan.

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.

Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.

As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there, because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago."

Doh; I thought it was going to be the Johnson rod leaking fluid.

 

[otepsoul]

WHY HE FIRED HIS SECRETARY
Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too good that
morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and
say, "Happy Birthday!" and probably have a present for me. As it
turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy
birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will
remember...
The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I
left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning,
Boss; Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better that someone had
remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and
said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your
birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George,
that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went
out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch
tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a
beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said,
"No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After
arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think
I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."
"Sure" I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ----- followed by my wife, children, and
dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday. And I just sat
there ---- on the couch ---- naked.

LOL THAT IS THE BEST BIRTHDAY JOKE EVER

 

[TwisT]

Texas Surgeons

Three Texas surgeons were having lunch together and discussing
surgeries they had performed. One of them said, "I'm the best
surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I
reattached them and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the
Queen of England."
One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both
arms and legs in a terrible accident, I reattached them and 2 years later
he won 2 gold medals in field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago
a guy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a
train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's
ass and the guy's mouth. Now he's running as the Democrat candidate
for President of the United States."

 

[.Com]

A guy was standing in front of the gorilla cage at the zoo one day, when a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye.
As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.
When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means "screw you" in gorilla language.

The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better - and he vowed revenge.

The next day, he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage.
Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and went right up to the gorilla's cage where he opened up his bag of goodies.
Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, reached through the bars, grabbed a hat from the bag, and put it on.

Next, the guy picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla reached out, picked up his horn, and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half.

The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid.

 

[.Com]

Pinnocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.

A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"

Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"


________________________

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"

To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a ..44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No, you're not.
You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book."


________________________

Mickey Mouse and Minnie were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey,
"You say here that your wife is crazy."

Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's fucking Goofy."

 

[TwisT]

The hungry monkey

A guy walks into a bar with a pet monkey. He sits down and orders a drink.
While he's drinking the monkey starts jumping all over the place.
The monkey picks up some olives off the bar and eats them.
Then, he grabs some sliced limes and eats them too. As if that wasn't enough, he then jumps up onto the pool table, grabs the cue ball and swallows it whole!
The bartender shouts at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table – and swallowed it whole!" says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the man. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything he eats, cue ball and all."
The patron finishes his drink, pays his tab and leaves.
Two weeks later, the same guy and his monkey are in the bar again.
He orders a drink and, sure enough, the monkey starts running around the bar again.
The monkey happens upon a dish of maraschino cherries on the bar.
So, he grabs a cherry, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it.
The completely disgusted bartender exclaims, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?" responds the monkey's owner.
"Man, your monkey just stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the guy, "Ever since he ate that damned cue ball, he measures everything first."