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i need advice

morelos

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#1
i think there's some necessary background: i have a long history of dating girls, cheating on girls, and then overlapping the next relationship into the end of the current relationship and even using that as a way to create anger at the current girl to break up with her and take the plunge into a new relationship. none of this has been healthy, but finally i've gotten it right.

two years ago i got together with a girl i met on irc. i drove from san francisco to los angeles to see her. we dated a few times and wound up in hotels and got physically intimate too soon after meeting personally (though, in our defense, we had known each other for years online as well as one can know anyone online). a year later, i invited her to move into my house with me. we had a so-so relationship in which she was very introverted and my work and masters program demanded all my energy, stifling my capacity to really shine and treat her adequately.

this summer, my program ended successfully (go me) and my summer break from teaching came about as usual. suddenly i was wealthy with free time and wasted most of it ( though i did some cool stuff http://www.fruzzetti.org ). i broke up with the girl and asked her to move out -- it just wasn't working. she came back a week ago and stayed a week, and we had a nice time. the bizarre thing is that neither of us hurt the other, nobody cheated, nobody lied, etc. the relationship was executed perfectly throughout, and the breakup was my idea, for the first time NOT because i had met someone else but simply because i felt it wasn't working.

now, i am still emotionally attached, but i could get past that if i tried and waited.

half of me wants to invite her back, and i'm sure in large part because it was stable and safe and honest and decent (for the first time for both of us). the problem is i have known another girl for a couple years and this new girl and i have had our lives bump into each other a few times. i'm extremely interested in her (especially because of her looks / intelligence combo, which really gets me) and she's interested in me.

do i let go entirely of the old gf so i can pursue the girl i'm interested in seeing? if so, how do i let a girl know outwardly that i'm that interested? i'm not the pushy type, and i only have through friday to spend whole days interacting with her (we're working together at a seminar for teachers. she teaches at a school 20 minutes away from my home and i teach at one 10 minutes away). i need to decide whether to pursue her quickly, and if so, i need to decide how.

i NEED a girl who's outspoken and intelligent, like this new girl is. however i could return to my safe relationship tomorrow, if i wanted (the old gf is waiting for me). i feel it would be wrong to use the old gf as a fallback if i decided to pursue the new girl and failed, and thus i would have to tell the old gf to let go if i decided to pursue the new girl. it's a huge risk because the old relationship, while not satisfying intellectually, is comfortable and (to be truthful) acceptable in the long-term to me.

i just don't know whether i should take the gamble and potentially lose everything or whether i should go back to the sure thing, given what i've described.

questions or advice by people with experiences other than my own would be mighty helpful.

~ dan ~
 

silvablade

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#2
not sure what to say to this one. There is no direct path. From my own experiance, if it didnt work before it probably wont now, unless both of you have gone through a LOT of changing. Secondly it doesnt appear that she will be going anywhere either. Have you ever been single? Do you need to have someone in your life to validate your worth? I'd probably go with the second girl that your interested in. But thats only if you no longer need to cheat, and youve worked on the things within yourself that stop you from giving what you need to your relatioships.

Hope that advice helped and wasnt harsh.
 

Bitch

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#3
What do you really have to loose? You ended the first relationship for a god reason...you were unhappy. If you were to go back to that, how stable do you really think it will be? You'll probably still be unhappy. It's best to leave things as they are before the friendship goes sour. You'll only regret it. I'd say let go of the current girl, leave and remember the relationship on good terms, and pursue the new girl. If it doesn't work out you know what to do. You are so proud of yourself for doing the right thing by letting go without another girl to fall back on. Don't screw that up by repeating that old habit that screwed you up in the end and made you unhappy and only created bad feelings. Besides, it may just work out with the new girl and it'll be an honest relationship....like your last one.

Good luck!
 

morelos

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#4
silva: it most definitely wasn't harsh and the viewpoint is appreciated. to answer your question, also: since i haven't been married, i've always been "single," but i know what you mean.. i have not been away from at least one of those "committed, dating" relationships for this long since i was 16. it's not so much validation of my worth as it is a weird necessity for companionship. either way, it's unhealthy :p

bitch: what i have to lose is the stable relationship i could have with the last gf. you're right about me having not been happy, but remember that doesn't make me unhappy either. i was somewhere in the middle between being happy and not-so-happy. i definitely don't feel maximally fulfilled, but a lot of that (i worry) was that i was not so physically attracted to the last girl. at the same time, conversation didn't occur naturally between us (also a first for girls i've dated) and i hated that. but it was stable and loyal..

i think you guys are both right, that i should pursue this new girl (i should get her to take a pic with me or something). she's just awesome and that always makes me feel like a girl's out of my league :p

to be truthful, i'm fearful of rejection. i don't remember the last time i was turned down or by whom it was, but i remember the feeling i had and i don't want to repeat it... :D
 
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#5
To be honest....it sounds like you've already made up your mind :)
Go for it, dude.
 

morelos

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#6
word :D we'll see how tomorrow at the seminar goes, i guess :p

wish me luck, eh

~ d ~
 

morelos

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#8
well i discovered some more about the girl today and it's starting to feel more like she's not interested and just more polite. i'm not the kind of guy to just be upfront about stuff, so instead of asking her what her status was i asked where she got her right-hand ring and made a joke later about her boyfriend when she pulled out her telephone to answer a call from her sister. none of my surveilling has provided any extra insight as to whether she's available. women typically play their cards close to the vest, but this is getting irritating. and the exgf has been texting me all day about missing me, too. this is my problem :p
 
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#9
If only I could be so lucky, I have about as much game as the pope.
 
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#10
well, one thing i could say for you to go ahead and give a try is to try and be a little more upfront. Just say you happened to find yourself thinking about her one day and you were wondering if she had a boyfriend or something like that. That way its like the feeling is neutral or however you have it put.
 
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#11
You have no choice now, Morelos....ChARGE THE BEACH!!!
The worst that can happen is she can laugh at you and pee on your shoes. At which point you'll have something to make fun of her for.
Or...she could just be trying to chase away the guys who only make the initial pass. Or she could be trying to tell you she's not interested. Whatever. You'll never know unless you risk making an idiot of yourself, and then one day you'll find out that she was available and you'll kick yourself in the face for not trying.
 

morelos

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#12
observer: that's a good strategy i may well employ.

flip: you have a point. there's always the option of getting rejected but trying to maintain a healthy friendship thereafter.

we were discussing making plans to attend a math conference an hour away from here which will be running in september. i mentioned sharing a hotel room as a low-cost option, and she seemed at least neutral in response. she said it sounded like a good idea etc.

she called me a flirt today, but i noticed she never swears. it makes me worry she's some kind of ultra-christian.
 

magnolia

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#13
Long time no see morelos!

If I were in your shoes I would persue the new girl. You could start by bringing her a flower. Not even a rose, just a flower. Then ask if she wants to have lunch with you or something.

I know it sounds cheasy, but a comfortable lunch with no strings attached will give you guys a chance to talk more and really get close without feeling like it's a date. There's not all the pressure. Then you can exchange e-mails, or phone numbers, or whatever at the end of the lunch so you can keep in contact with one another. If it goes well you can even ask her for a real "date".

As far as the other girl, if the spark isn't there it probobly is gone. Yeah she'll wait around for you, but do you want to leave her hanging or spend a the rest of your life just satisfied until you meet someone else and decide to leave the relationship? I say step out there. Even if you're rejected, you tried. It's not fun to get stuck in a rut in anything. Good luck! :hug2: You'll figure it all out.
 
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#14
If you want it to be a 'no strings attached' lunch, then save the flower for another time.
 

morelos

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#15
hi magnolia!@# :D

i think "the spark" is a crock of shit. i'm old enough to know better than to look for 'the spark.' the spark, as young people know it, is generally a hormonal urge to reproduce that binds you to the unending pursuit of mating with that person. sadly, though, the young people who experience that spark usually mistake it for 'love' as opposed to 'incredible lust you seek to justify through feigning long-term emotional bonding'
 

Shadow_Demon

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#16
My advice is to similar to Magnolia's, in which you move on past the old relastionship and try for the new one. Yet in all honesty you should always keep in mind that you did have a stable relationship with the old one were as it has seemed you were not capable of till then, thats got to say something about her. Other then that you should still go for a new approce on everythng as it is asid which includes relationships.
 

magnolia

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#17
morelos said:
hi magnolia!@# :D

i think "the spark" is a crock of shit. i'm old enough to know better than to look for 'the spark.' the spark, as young people know it, is generally a hormonal urge to reproduce that binds you to the unending pursuit of mating with that person. sadly, though, the young people who experience that spark usually mistake it for 'love' as opposed to 'incredible lust you seek to justify through feigning long-term emotional bonding'
There ya go talkin over my head again. Damn I missed you on here. :p And I have to agree with ya on the spark thing. But it still feels nice even if it is just lust. ;)
 

morelos

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#18
oh, it most definitely feels nice. cherish it while you're capable of not seeing through it.