I'm so far beyond perversion i don't even know how to fix it anymore. I'm sick.

DarknessInsideX

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So

I'm a relatively young dude , and i've been mentally ill for a long time.
I've been busting my ass off to fix what can be fixed. I beat depression , close to beating social anxiety , went back to school etc... you get the picture.
Thing is , these are all issues i felt like i could talk about with whomever was willing to listen. But there's a different part of me as well. A part about which i feel like i can't talk about , with anyone.
I discovered porn at a really young age. I think i was about 7 years old. It started off pretty innocent , searching "boobies" on google images , you know what i mean ...
But quickly it progressed into something truly filthy. I remember seeing my first rape video. It was staged , but i didn't know that until later. i remember being ( naturally) extremely shocked. But for some reason i revisited that video and that's where it all started.
That's the point at which i turned into a filthy pervert. Depression and social anxiety used to control my life. So what this meant is that , i'd find myself spending almost all of my free time at home, for many years. In this period i've visited the darkest most fucked up holes of the internet. It just got worse and worse step by step.
I even used to fantasize about raping girls , almost all of the time. Luckily i know what's right and what's wrong and so i was able to stop myself fantasizing any longer.

I feel like i have two faces. On the outside , as to how i treat other people , i'm a wonderful human being. I've helped so many people , and i genuinely enjoy helping people. I feel bad when killing a fly. You know what i mean ?
Yet everything surrounding sex , i'm a monster. A total creep. A sicko , weirdo , you name it.

I've been trying to control myself but i just keep relapsing. One thing i can say with absolute certainty is that never would i ever hurt/rape/etc anyone. But these fantasies make me feel sick about myself. I see a therapist but i'm too ashamed/disgusted with myself to ever talk about this with him.

How in the hell do i handle this ? Am i fucked ?
 

Stardust

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With the info you’ve given I’d just say you’ve found a kink. Which is not unhealthy, you know the real act of rape/pain is something’s you couldn’t do. So you’re into bdsm and rape fantasies, there’s plenty of that and you can enjoy that in healthy environments. I’d say join a kink community and tell your therapist, you might find other kinks and perhaps a deeper insight on why you have these kinks/fantasies.
 

Out2Lunch

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One of the best things you can do for yourself is to reaffirm and continue to reaffirm the reality that this fetish doesn’t define you as a person. You have worth and you’re not beyond recovery. Please note I’m using this language because you’ve indicated that you’re not okay with this fetish and that it crosses your moral boundaries and that you want to rid your life of it.

I personally think you have a compulsive behavior which borders on addiction; because of this your willpower has been negatively impacted by your repeated behaviors. This understanding should help you realize that this problem is not because you’re evil but because your brain seeks this fetish in order to get the dopamine it’s been providing you with. Therefore you should not be quick to pass judgment on yourself. If you slip up then try to recall what emotions, thoughts, or situations triggered your slip. The more you come to realize those the more you can explore and find the root of your fetish. When you do this simply “notice” behaviors, don’t judge them. Noticing something doesn’t require judgment but rather open observation.

I don’t think you should hide this from your therapist. If you do you’re just pissing away not only money but also an amazing resource for healing and recovery (that’s is provided your therapist deals with addiction, compulsive behaviors, etc and isn’t a total twat).
 
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