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LiberatioN

Trance Addict
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#1
I've been going out with my girlfriend for about 2 months. We started out in an amazing fashion. We've been friends since January and I really loved spending time with her when it first started out. I'm a fairly mellow person, but I'm really good at expressing my emotion and I like to tell people how I feel. After awhile she got really stressed with school and everything she's going through and now whenever we talk she's either dead tired or thinks I want to lecture her about how our relationship should be. She says she can't take the stress anymore and we need to figure it out soon. She's not really great at expressing herself through words and she doesn't like to show signs of PDA in public (or if she does, she likes to make them into more of a cute instance or something to be taken lightly).If it was just some girl that I didn't really have strong feelings for, I wouldn't think twice about letting this go. Deep down, I know that we CAN and SHOULD make this work out because we have so much in common and besides the facts that she can't express herself and isn't very comfortable with public affection, but it's hard to be with someone when they're very non-emotional whenever you get to spend time with them. So far I've tried setting up dates for us to spend time alone but it always seems like she's doing it and giving me something but getting nothing herself. I know this isn't how it is because she's just stressed out and her life around her is what drives that stress. I've tried to stay out of her life during the day so she can have her space, but then when I call and the moment IS right, she's still tired. I just wish I could have a girl that was emotional yet willing to compromise to make me feel better about the relationship if I did the same. I need some ACTUAL advice (preferably from a woman); if you have nothing better to say than "dump that bitch", don't bother responding...not even to be a jackass, cuz you'll just look like a tool.

It's just annoying, my emotions are everywhere on this.

also ---
Girls, even though some of you claim to be simple and easy to understand, your low-maintenance and simple emotional state within themselves are complexities. Don't kid the guy you're with; you're a woman. It turns us on that you're emotional alot of the time, even if it sometimes drives us crazy. We like the feeling that we're the simple ones and that you do most of the thinking in the relationship for us. Watch how you word things...guy's CAN pick up on subtle hints even if you dont think they can. It's the worst feeling in the world to not feel like you're sought after by the person you're with. Guys AND girls, remember that relationships are like practicing a musical instrument, you have to practice and try new things to keep your skills strong and play harminous music.

I hope this hit home with someone, because I'm somewhat miserable lately over all this crap.

Neurotically yours,
LiberatioN
 

meh_it_all

WTF.com Sexy Pimp-ette.
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#2
Wow, Lib.
All I can really say is that you have to make her express what she's feeling; There isn't really any other way. I mean it doesn't seem to be that you're the problem, so it's her, and you need to find out what the deep down thing about her is.
It is a very tough call..Maybe when she has a little more stress she will come out of her shell? When will all this stress calm down?

I'm really sorry I can't help you more. But It is a tough one, cos It's her and we don't know what shes thinking. :(
Women are crazy :confuse:
 
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#3
Lib, you're my hero... I can't count the amount of times that I've felt something like that and not said anything about it. It never seems to amaze me how badly people harp on communication and then fail to practice what they preach on even the most simplistic level.
Personally, I would rather be with a mean woman than one that went cold. I'm not saying dump her, it sounds like you really want to stay in the relationship.
For my own part, I've found that just coming out and "hitting them over the head" with whatever is bothering me as simply and untwistable (like that ever really happens) will get a result faster than trying to "peck" at it over time. If she still won't admit to what she's feeling, I've gotten HUGE resposes getting people upset enough to bypass the normal walls they maintain, now they weren't ALL good... but I did get someone I care for very deeply to admit her own feelings that way.
in any case, best of luck to you
 
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#4
This is certainly a twist on things. Normally it's the female complaining that the man isn't showing his emotions. Liberation, there are two options you have in this situation. 1) You stick with her and just make sure she knows that you are available for emotional support during this stressful time in her life. Or 2) let the relationship go for now to give her some space and time to regain her sense of balance, and making a promise to each other that you'll try it again once she has moved past this stressful period of her life. Personally, I say option 1 is your best bet even though it means things are going to be kind of painful for you both. She will most likely be greatful to you for sticking with her through the rough time in her life. It's going to mean sacrifices on your side, so just remember that there comes a time when you have to seriously look at what you're giving up and decide if you're sacrificing too much of yourself and what you want. No matter what advice any of us give you, you have to go with what feels right to you in your heart. As for the whole nonexpressive of emotions deal, I don't know what to tell you about that. I don't think there's really anything you can do about that. Best of luck to you.
 
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#5
i think you should stick it out and just let it be, i had the same problem not to long ago and you just have to say everything is alright, she digs me and i dig her. When you realize this, you will be very happy trust me. Even though she may not show interest, she really is thinking about you. Knowing this you shouldnt feel bad anymore. and if you still arent all that secure, play a "trick" on her. Trick her into telling you how she feels about you over a conversation.

or you could be straight forward with her
or like the other guy said you could just tell her how you feel and if she gets upset or w/e then you know she does care.
 

LiberatioN

Trance Addict
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#6
etherdemon said:
Lib, you're my hero... I can't count the amount of times that I've felt something like that and not said anything about it. It never seems to amaze me how badly people harp on communication and then fail to practice what they preach on even the most simplistic level.
Personally, I would rather be with a mean woman than one that went cold. I'm not saying dump her, it sounds like you really want to stay in the relationship.
For my own part, I've found that just coming out and "hitting them over the head" with whatever is bothering me as simply and untwistable (like that ever really happens) will get a result faster than trying to "peck" at it over time. If she still won't admit to what she's feeling, I've gotten HUGE resposes getting people upset enough to bypass the normal walls they maintain, now they weren't ALL good... but I did get someone I care for very deeply to admit her own feelings that way.
in any case, best of luck to you

Heh, ya I tried the "hitting it on the head" technique. I don't know about most women, but my girlfriend meets this reaction: If a guy keeps telling you what's wrong with you, you'll most likely start to believe it and just act like that even more or just get sick of the relationship and end it. I tried telling my girlfriend that it hurts when we spend time (what little it is) together and she doesn't want to start a conversation, ask me questions, or show interest in what I have to say. She responds by saying that she acknowledges being a bad girlfriend, but she's so self-righteous sometimes that I doubt she will ever be willing to change. I think regardless of the stereotypes, if you love a person enough, you can compromise with some things that drive them insane and try your hardest to make the relationship work. If both parties are getting what they basically want, then you have a healthy relationship. I'm attending college about 35 minutes away from home next year (Texas State University - San Marcos) and she's gonna still be in HS, so that might make things even more difficult. I'm one of those people that's all about making relationships work because I don't view them as something you just throw away or execute for experience; but if we continue to waste what seldom alone time we have together not talking or concentrating on what's going on in our lives and how stressful we are, this isn't going to work. It makes it harder cuz she's leaving for the summer on a mission trip and then she's got alot of stuff for band to do as well. We'll see how it goes...being away from her is one thing (I wouldnt mind it that much; I'd just miss her), but I like I said, if you have a limited amount of time to spend with your girlfriend or boyfriend and you don't utilize that time, you wont be able to make it work. Thanks for the advice everybody. I appreciate all your thoughts. :thumbsup:
 

Bitch

Evil Fluffy says: I PEE IN YOUR SHOES!
Premium
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#7
Dump That Bitch! ...JUST KIDDING! I had to...I'm so bad.

But seriously. This is a hard one but you have to find out why she's so reluctant to show her emotions. Forget at this point what her emotions are. You need to find out if she still is interested in you. Is there some reason she might be feeling like she'd hurt you if she were to say anything? Remind her that her silence is hurting you anyway and you really just want to know if something is on her mind that she's afraid to talk to you about...besides being tired and stressed. It sounds to me like she's depressed and has already gotten into that deep pit of deep blue funk where she feels there's no way out. If that's so, she needs to face what's bothering her and could use a psychologist/psychiatrist/counselor. If it's just because it's a new relationship, what is she afraid of? Is she afraid you are going to leave her or break her heart so she keeps you at a distance to protect her own feelings?

There are some people that just don't like PDA with anyone, but you need to know if this is because she just gets embarrassed to show love for someone else or is she holding back on you because she's questioning her feelings and again is afraid to hurt you by keeping your hopes up. Some people will just string someone along until they find a way out of their deep blue funk and not let the person in on it or until they find someone else. IF she's depressed then I'd imagine she's just looking for some way out of her deep blue funk and not only is dragging you down with her but is actually trying not to drag you down with her by keeping her distance. She'll only do what she feels safe with. I think she does care about you, but tell her you need that reminder that she's with you on this relationship. Tell her you need to be able to feel more useful in this. Ask her if there anything you can do to make her feel more comfortable or talkative.

The thing is, you need to make sure she's really interested in keeping up with this relationship. It can't be one sided like it sounds like it has been. It's only been about 2 months and that really isn't a long time. Either give her some time to work through her feelings alone like she's been doing or tell her you really are worried about her and want to know why she feels she can't trust you with her feelings. You can't be pulled around like this. You need to know where you stand and whether it's worth hanging around like this...or shoudl you just move on.
 

gurlgonewild

Was machen Sie?
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#8
when i think back to my HS years, i wasn't that interested in communicating my feelings to anyone-not just my BF. why? b/c i wasn't great at it and often times i didn't want to hurt the other person's feelings. (see, when you're like that and something is upsetting you but you don't deal w/ it, it winds up festering into anger, etc) and that sounds like where you are at w/ her.

schools almost done, see if you can hang in there but talk to her before she leaves for the summer, it'd be unfair for you to carry the burden till she returns. resolve it-for the both of you.

this is who she may really be. your expectations and needs might also be damaging in that they are too much, could it be you are being to pushy or controlling? like you only want things your way and the only way your relationship will work is if she complies?

GL
 

LiberatioN

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#9
I think that's my main goal right now: to be less demanding and more compromising in a relationship. I think she feels like I'm trying to change her, like I always want to argue...which isn't true at all. I guess you're right, it probably would be unfair for me to feel like crap all summer and her to have so much to do that she wouldnt even have time to think about it. We need to accomplish alot before the summer comes. We'll see what happens. Thanks for the advice.
 

LiberatioN

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#10
Bitch said:
Is there some reason she might be feeling like she'd hurt you if she were to say anything? Remind her that her silence is hurting you anyway and you really just want to know if something is on her mind that she's afraid to talk to you about...besides being tired and stressed. It sounds to me like she's depressed and has already gotten into that deep pit of deep blue funk where she feels there's no way out.
I think you hit on the head...and I don't think she realizes that her silence is what hurts me the most, not the lack of time we have together.

Bitch said:
There are some people that just don't like PDA with anyone, but you need to know if this is because she just gets embarrassed to show love for someone else or is she holding back on you because she's questioning her feelings and again is afraid to hurt you by keeping your hopes up.
It's hard to tell. She's one of those people that can tell you one thing but act the complete opposite...and then she wonders why I give her weird looks from time to time.
 

BklynCannonball

pffffffffffttttttttttt...
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#11
You guys are having problems communicating. If you just let it go, this problem is going to just grow & grow and pretty soon you'll have a gigantic elephant in the room that no one wants to talk about. You two have to work on it now. Relationships are wonderful but they require work. There's nothing to be afraid of.

Because you two don't talk, the both of you assume things about each other. And since neither of you step up to try to clear the air, it's just gonna build. Two months into a relationship is early. Think of this as a positive step. You will be glad you did it.

There are different approaches to this. You might have to try different things. Of course, don't overwhelm her. If she's feeling pressured, she'll never be relaxed enough to talk. It might be easier if you start with something. Tell her something you're feeling, get to talking and then she'll share with you. It's a back & forth thing. And it's wonderful when it happens.
 

Nailbomb

I'm just really nice.
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#12
I don't know what you and your girlfriend do in public, so I'm not going to say anything about that, but for the whole PDA issue, some people just don't like that in public because of decency. Things like holding hands and hugging are alright, but if people are sitting around cuddling or making out wherever that's way over the line.
 

LiberatioN

Trance Addict
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#13
I don't have a problem with that dude; that's her own opinion. What I do have a problem with is if we're alone or talking alone and she's still distant or non-sensual...sometimes it's understandable, but not if you never get any affection, (it gets more scarce when you're older...which is why I'm worrying now) it's hard to deal with and it makes you feel pretty bad in general...especially if it's not just an inappropriate time for emotions...I'm talking about times when we have 30 minutes or so to talk and she just wants to waste time talking about how's she's fixing her CD player and then isn't in a conversation...stuff like that.
 

LiberatioN

Trance Addict
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#14
Update:

Well we finally split up; I kind of saw it coming.

Basically I let her know how I felt and mad a blatent effort to fix what we could. When it came down to it, she told me she just doesn't want a relationship like ours at this time in her life...so I don't think there was much I could have done. It hurts so bad, but I think this will be for the best. I really did love her, and I probably always will have emotions for her, but I think I should just let her go for now. If she returns and wants a serious relationship, we'll see...but I'm just tired of grieving.