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It Was Written

_Kitana_

Angel of Death
4,674
16
0
#1
(Writer's Note) This is the first draft to my love story based around the events of WWII. It stars a char by the name of Robert, who is based of my grandfather and his journey.I want to know your honest thoughts on the first few pages of this story. Please do not reply with "that sucked" lol or "it was great..." I am asking for a real straight foward critique of it.

Thanks.



It was Written”

December 8, 1941:

War rang through the Pacific and rippled into the Radios, while splashing up the headlines of every newspaper only to sink deep into the hearts of Americans everwhere. World War II had finally reached the shores of neutral America and no longer could the country stay that way.

For Robert, a young Midwest boy still in high school, it was a strange time. He watched as train loads of young men passed through his small town on their way to Pacific. He even helped feed them, as it was standard that every soldier who passed through the state of South Dakota got a Pheasant dinner. Many times he spent the afternoon out hunting with his dad to help supply the ever growing demand.

Much of the older boys were already being sent off to boot camp and it was feared for a moment that his older brother, Charles, would be next.However, Charles' poor eyesight kept that from ever happening. No brance in the military would take him.

It wasn't to much of a disappointment for him though. In that following April he contuined on with his plans to move to New York to attend college. He had struggled so hard to be able to do this that now nothing was going to stand in his way. Not a war or his older sister Anna.

Anna, who is so over protective of her younger siblings that they often refer to her as their second mother, feared Charley going off to school so bad that she made her husband try to talk him out of it. In fact she protested to the day he left.

“The life of New York is going to TAINT his mind, Momma” she kept repeating to anyone that would listen, however few paid her words much attention.

It wasn't the same for Norma, the youngest in the family. All she could talk about was how grand it was for her older brother to be leaving and she bragged on how he was going somewhere exciting and living every small town boy‘s dream. She was so deep into this fantasy that she even talked about marrying one of his future college friends and moving to the mountains in Montana on a ranch with nothing but horses.

“Silly Talk,” was all Robert’s Parents would say and unforantly for them it only got worse in the next few years.

It was at this time that Robert was about to start his senior year. America had now been involved in the war for almost two years and seemed to have reached it’s darkest hour with a never ending war at that. More and more young men were being sent off and dieing and more and more were being called upon to fill their place.

Robert knew his time would be soon and his father never let him forget. Every time Robert did something his father disapproved of the words, “Send you into the Military and they teach you some respected” would echoed within his ears.

Soon his father would no longer have to say those words. His draft papers arrived at the door come early fall and at the end of Robert’s senior year he would be leaving home for war. Robert took a deep breath as he stared into his mother’s beautiful etched face. Her arms arms wrapped tightly around his two sisters while his father withered hands held the papers somewhat shaky and read the words out loud for his wife.

Norma and Lisa just wept as their mother‘s voice just whispered out repeatly, “It will be ok, we will figure something out.”

Robert just stood there. He hated seeing his family like this and knew his brother would not return to be a farm boy for any length of time. He kept thinking to the thought of how his father would handle the farm with out him and take care of his mother and sisters too. His mother’s health had not been doing so well and she was having trouble around the house. He took some comfort in the fact that his younger sister would be there. However, he wondered for how long. She kept writing to her cousin who lived in Portland Oregon about working in one of the factories out there. His older sister would be there but she had her own house hold to run with a 6 year old little girl… She couldn’t always be there for their mother.

His father words broke his train of thought for a second, “ no sense crying over it. Won’t do us much good now…” and with that he walked out the door.

In all of Robert’s fears he knew it was his turn to come to the aid of his country. However the thought of the family farm kept slipping into his mind for it was also his turn to help run it. They had held onto it through the thirties and with him being gone could they still do that?

He shook his thoughts free for a moment and walked over to his mother and kissed her lightly on the cheek, “ I will send you my pay home…” With that he had made up his mind. He was called upon and he was going. No matter what.
 

Spikey

Supreme Leader
2,615
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#2
interesting..really ets the readers attention ^^
9/10 ^^
 

Piro

From appaled to applauding, controversy.
1,488
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#3
i would suggest a little more history of the family and alot more detail about robert. i didnt get the distinct feeling it was about him. focus on him, describe his personality though short examples of thing he got upto in his younger or present days (i.e. acts of bravery; saving his sister from something). what is so special about this boy? let us know. we want to know robert before he heads out into the big wide world.

other than a good intro.
 

_Kitana_

Angel of Death
4,674
16
0
#4
Piro said:
i would suggest a little more history of the family and alot more detail about robert. i didnt get the distinct feeling it was about him. focus on him, describe his personality though short examples of thing he got upto in his younger or present days (i.e. acts of bravery; saving his sister from something). what is so special about this boy? let us know. we want to know robert before he heads out into the big wide world.

other than a good intro.
Yeah it just the first draft of the intro but i wanted to make sure it was starting off good. I want to give some info on his family background as mainly thats probally going to be a huge focus more so than robert, he the star but really he off to war.

However you are right I should focus on him at the start so the reader has a feeling for him being missed. I did like how the opening paragraph turned out.