WTF ... IS WTF!?
We are a collective of people who believe in freedom of speech, the rights of individuals, and free pancakes! We share our lives, struggles, frustrations, successes, joys, and prescribe to our own special brand of humor and insanity. If you are looking for a great place to hang out, make new friends, find new nemeses, and just be yourself, WTF.com is your new home.

It's her turn to be gone...

509
0
0
#1
The black she wore showed how she felt,
The pain that she had that made her melt,
Her soul was deeper and darker than the pitch black of the midnight sky,
When you look in her eyes you can see them fly,
The pain and the hurt was so screetching that it seemed like a guitar being played in the wrong tune,
She was never able to see the light at the end of the tunnel,
She didn't have a chance,
Her fingernails were painted the deepest black,
yet she never got the nack,
Of being able to paint her nails in the right way,
She was always scared of whats going to happen next,
Never could see what was going on,
Her mascara would run down her cheecks as she would cry and look at herself in the mirror,
She couldnt stand the image she sees,
Her pain was so bottled up inside she couldnt even see the true her anymore,
She was lost in the pain with no escape,
She was trapped in the horror of her life,
Every morning when she would wake up she would look in the mirror and know she would have to face another day,
She would sit there and paint her face,
Maybe just maybe if she paints her face she will be as beautiful as the next girl,
Yet she never felt the happiness,
Not till that one guy came along,
He came and made her happy,
Then he was taken from her,
He was given to the evil thing that put her on this Earth,
Now all she cares is to be with him once more,
In his warm caring loving arms once more could make her the best person in the world,
He saw the true her,
The real her,
Not the child of who she was on the outside but the wonderful tearfree kid on the inside,
She couldnt wait to leave this place to be with him,
Now she feels its her turn to be gone.
 

skylinec

Somewhere in the Between
3,192
0
36
#3
Halfpintrocker said:
The black she wore showed how she felt,
The pain that she had that made her melt,
Her soul was deeper and darker than the pitch black of the midnight sky,
When you look in her eyes you can see them fly,
The pain and the hurt was so screetching that it seemed like a guitar being played in the wrong tune,
She was never able to see the light at the end of the tunnel,
She didn't have a chance,
Her fingernails were painted the deepest black,
yet she never got the nack,
Of being able to paint her nails in the right way,
She was always scared of whats going to happen next,
Never could see what was going on,
Her mascara would run down her checks as she would cry and look at herself in the mirror,
She couldnt stand the image she sees,
Her pain was so bottled up inside she couldnt even see the true her anymore,
She was lost in the pain with no escape,
She was trapped in the horror of her life,
Every morning when she would wake up she would look in the mirror and know she would have to face another day,
She would sit there and paint her face,
Maybe just maybe if she paints her face she will be as beautiful as the next girl,
Yet she never felt the happiness,
Not till that one guy came along,
He came and made her happy,
Then he was taken from her,
He was given to the evil thing that put her on this Earth,
Now all she cares is to be with him once more,
In his warm caring loving arms once more could make her the best person in the world,
He saw the true her,
The real her,
Not the child of who she was on the outside but the wonderful tearfree kid on the inside,
She couldnt wait to leave this place to be with him,
Now she feels its her turn to be gone.
so good............can i use that somewhere for like a desktop or website
 

_Kitana_

Angel of Death
4,674
16
0
#6
Going to be honest here. I don't really like it all....... Oh you have some good lines but lets look at how it starts, first.


Halfpintrocker said:
The black she wore showed how she felt,
The pain that she had that made her melt,
Her soul was deeper and darker than the pitch black of the midnight sky,
When you look in her eyes you can see them fly,
Some very Unneeded lines you display here. When you first read it, you know everything about the poem off of the first two lines. There would be no reason to move one, which is alright sometimes, but the lines don't flow. They don't reach deep or make you feel, they are lacking in so many ways. Look there is a million ways to describe that this girl is depressed in dressed in black, that she is tormented by pain and her soul is bleak and dark. The last line seems to be oddly misplaced into the poem.

Here an example a little different way to write it up. Now, this is also done in my style and opinion. So it should be noted that everyone has a different writing style. You just need to fine tune yours. I am going to rework the lines of your poem and hopes that it will show you a bit different way to write your up, I Hope you can gain something from this. Someone did this to me a long time ago and I was so heartbroken but it helped me a great deal.

The darkness that swarmed around her
was a reflection of a soul so deep and dark,
that it made the midnight sky look pure.
and with one glimpse into her eyes you could hear



The pain and the hurt was so screetching that it seemed like a guitar being played in the wrong tune,
She was never able to see the light at the end of the tunnel,
She didn't have a chance,
I really kind of like this next part the guitar, that was nice, and the light at the end and she didn't have a chance, it displayed a great feeling of depth here. That was lacking in the first part. Mix up the wordage a bit to give it a more deeper smoothing feeling... here I will put a spin on it.

Her painful damage, that was so screeching
like a guitar being played in the wrong tune.
For never could she see the light at the end of the tunnel.
So she never had a chance.


Her fingernails were painted the deepest black,
yet she never got the nack,
Of being able to paint her nails in the right way,
I hate these next line. You know Poe had a song called "That Day"? There was a part where it went. "You look like shit, what your problem bitch, your legs feel like sandpaper, you can't do anything right...." She was able to described the feeling of not being able to do something right in a way that flowed, you failed to do this and it should also be noted that there are other words then “Deepest black” to describe darkness. Plus it really breaks the flow from the upper half to the second half making the poem kind of hard to follow. I trimmed it down to two short lines.

With nails dipped in morbid paint,
never quite the right way.


She was always scared of whats going to happen next,
Never could see what was going on,
Her mascara would run down her cheecks as she would cry and look at herself in the mirror,
Bleh. I hate these lines. Reminds me of a Linkin Park video “crawling“.... like your telling someone what your seeing. Rather then betraying a feeling and if your trying to paint a picture of this girl its done in such a choppy format.


For she was to afraid of what was next,
and never able to see past the streaks of blackness
that escaped her wet eyes
still focused only on her stale reflection.



She couldnt stand the image she sees,
Her pain was so bottled up inside she couldnt even see the true her anymore,
She was lost in the pain with no escape,
She was trapped in the horror of her life,
Eeek. Lets try to get a little creative here. Your painting with words here and even black has many shades.

She couldn't stand the images she seen,
of just a bottle full of pain,
none of which was a true reflection of herself.
So lost was she with no escape, so trapped inside the horror
of a nightmare that befell upon her life.



Every morning when she would wake up she would look in the mirror and know she would have to face another day,
She would sit there and paint her face,
Maybe just maybe if she paints her face she will be as beautiful as the next girl,
Example of a good idea here, just wish you would of put a little more thought into the wording to take away the blahness of it.

So every morning she would awake
and stare upon herself
to realize she had another day to face,
another way to paint her face.
Maybe just Maybe she could hide
all the ugliest away,
and become as beautiful as the next girl.




Yet she never felt the happiness,
Not till that one guy came along,
He came and made her happy,
This is crap writing here and I think you know it as well, not even going to try and sugar coat it. Its like "Oh dear, I have to end this poem. I have to try and finish it up and give it a point." So you completely lost the darkness the overflow of this poem to a moment when she is suppose to be happy it should be colorful; not this “she was sad, a guy came and made her happy.…”

Though all the beautiful colors
of her illusion filled paint
would never come to bring her happiness.
No, not the joy she felt that day.....
when she meant him standing there.



Then he was taken from her,
He was given to the evil thing that put her on this Earth,
Now all she cares is to be with him once more,
Errrr..... Really I am not trying to be harsh. But this is just “now he gone, taken from her, she just wants him back.” You never tried to elaborate it any farther then that. You never tried to reach in and stir up these feeling and emotions, its like u just scribbled it down and hope to hell it made a poem.

So perfect and filled with life was he,
before he vanished from her sight
and was taken from her,
stolen by the creature that created her
and left her upon the evil earth
taunting and tortured by dreams
of being with him one last time.


In his warm caring loving arms once more could make her the best person in the world,
It has a good flow and start to it and give a great emotional flow, but then lets ya down.

In his warm, caring and loving arms.
One more moment could make her the best
the best person in this world.




He saw the true her,
The real her,
Not the child of who she was on the outside but the wonderful tearfree kid on the inside,
This was not bad and gave a real insight till how he seen her, but again it was just lacking, it was wrote so simple, with no flow or caring touch to the words.

For he had touched the real her,
not the illusion of never ending sadness,
but the child of tear free ways
never allowed to escape into the outside world.



She couldnt wait to leave this place to be with him,
Now she feels its her turn to be gone.
I like kind of how you ended your poem here that was not to bad to be honest.

Now no longer can she wait
to leave this place to be with him.
So it comes for her to take her turn
and be gone.


Here I put it all together and note that I even made changes to my version of it to help it flow better.

The darkness that swarmed around her
was a reflection of a soul so deep and dark,
that it made the midnight sky look pure.
And with one glimpse into her eyes you could hear
her painful damage, that was so screeching
like a guitar being played in the wrong tune.
For never could she see the light at the end of the tunnel.
So she never had a chance….
with nails dipped in morbid paint,
never quite the right way.
For she was to afraid of what was next,
and never able to see past the streaks of blackness
that escaped her wet eyes…
only focused only on her stale reflection.
the images she could not bare,
of just a bottle full of pain.
None of which was a true reflection of herself.
As she was lost with no escape, trapped inside the horror
of a nightmare that befell upon her life.
So every morning she would awake
and stare upon herself
to realize she had another day to face,
another way to paint her face.
Maybe just Maybe she could hide
all the ugliest away,
and become as beautiful as the next girl.
Though all the gorgeous colors
of her illusion filled brush
would never come to bring her happiness.
No, not the joy she felt that day.....
when she meant him standing there.
Before he vanished from her sight
stolen by the evil creature that left her upon this Earth,
to be forever taunted and tortured by dreams
of being with him one last time
In his warm, caring and loving arms,
Just one more moment of that
could make her the best person in this world
For he had touched the real her,
not the illusion of never ending sadness,
but the child of tear free ways.
That was never allowed to escape.
Now no longer can she wait
to leave this place to be with him.
So it comes for her to take her turn
and be gone.