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Jokes hehe

DIZNUTS

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#1
sorry guys i wont b able to post as many jokes at this time right now since i have a busy day at work 2day...i will post more at night and tomorrow morning.....ok here r the jokes :)


These 3 guys that are really good friends decide to go out
together one night to the whore-house for blow-jobs. One is
rich, one is middle-class, one is poor. They go in and the
mistress greets them at the door. "How can I help you fine
gentlemen?"

One says, "We want blow-jobs done. How much do they cost?"

She replies, "Well, we have levels of how good you can get it,
there's a $10 job, a $30 job, and a $50 job."

The poor guy says, "I'll go first then...I want a $10 job." So
she takes him in the back room, and when he comes out he has a
huge smile on his face. The other guys ask, "What'd she do?
What'd she do?"

"Oh, it was great. She put whipped cream all over me and sucked
me dry."

So the middle-class guy goes next, and gets the $30 job. When he
comes out he also has a huge smile on his face. The guys ask,
"What'd she do?"

"Oh, it was wonderful! She put whipped cream and nuts on me,
then she nibbled and sucked me dry!"

So the rich guy is all excited, he decides to get the $50 job.
She takes him in the back room, and when he comes back out he's
all hunched over and groaning in pain. "Help me!" he cries.

So the two friends grab him to keep him from falling over and
say, "What happened? What's wrong with you?"

"Oh it was terrible," he moaned. "It started out so good...she
put whipped cream and chocolate and nuts on me...ugh! Ouch..."

"Yeah? And then what?" They looked at him eagerly.

"Damn thing looked so good I tried to eat it myself!"

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There was a man who was heading away for a week on business. His
wife was incredibly horny and needed a good fuck every now and
again so she was left with a warning from her husband before he
left. He said, "If I find out that you have been shagging
another man while I'm gone then I will pull every pubic hair
from your crotch!"

He was dead serious but his wife thought she could occupy
herself for just one week using her fingers and the handle of
her tennis racquet (which she did a lot when her husband was
gone).

However she failed and one day before her husband was set to
return she was gagging for more than she could get from her
fingers and the tennis racquet! So she headed into town in the
hope of finding a large well-bodied fuckable man to satisfy her
lust. While walking down the High Street she found a very hunky
and sexy black man that she wouldn't mind screwing and so she
walked up to him and said-"Will you come home with?" and the
black man replied, "Only for a chocolate biscuit." She gave him
a biscuit and they headed towards her house.

So they got home and the woman said, "Will you come inside and
upstairs?"

"Only for a chocolate biscuit" So she gave him another biscuit.

So they got upstairs and into the woman's bedroom. "Will you
take off your clothes and lie with me on the bed?"

"Only for a chocolate biscuit" So she gave him yet another
biscuit!!

"Will you fuck me until I hit orgasm at least three times!"

"Only for a chocolate biscuit" So she gave him a biscuit leaving
only one left in the box and they got to business.

He was drilling into her-fucking her harder and faster until she
was dripping wet-screwing her pussy and hitting her G-spot with
every hard core thrust. She was at her orgasmic peak and when it
was over they were both swollen and sore and so exhausted that
they fell asleep together in the bed.

The next mourning the husband arrived home from his trip and
headed upstairs to great his wife with a homecoming ride. She
heard him coming upstairs and immediately told the black to get
into the cupboard and hide. "Only for a chocolate biscuit" he
said and so she gave him the last chocolate biscuit and shoved
him into the cupboard just before her husband walked in.

He walked towards the bed and began to take off his clothes when
he stopped and spotted the white spunk stains on the lilac
sheets.

"You've been in bed with another man and don't lie to me!!!!!!!"

His wife didn't say a word and like he had warned he opened her
legs and began to pluck all her pubic hairs from her crotch one
by one. By the time he reached the last one he couldn't get it
to come out and so he shouted, "Come out you black bastard!!!"

And the guy in the cupboard shouted "Only for a chocolate
biscuit!!!!!!"

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Lil' Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad
says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the
breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is
the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the
Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call
you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class.
Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about
this and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has
said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and
runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled.
So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound
asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees
his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to
bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I
think I understand what politics is now."

"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the
Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are
being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."


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On the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago, the DJs play a game
where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate
Match." The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married
or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers
yes, he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal
questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner
(with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers
those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the City
of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly
the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all
went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate
Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to
Orlando,Florida if you win. What is your name? First only
please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: "Yes."

DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only
please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have
said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock
this morning?"

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her Mom is staying
for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-in-law was in the shower at the Time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous
hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on
hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to
this. (3 minutes of commercials follow.)

DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?" (touchtones
ringing)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air
right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours
now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows
not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo...do you
know the rules of 'Mate match'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be
completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions,
Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of
you will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney
World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal.
Get it Sarah?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "All right. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to
work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to
protect his manhood. We've got one last question,

Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you
ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much,Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well, it's just that my Mom is vacationing with us
and..."

DJ: "She saw?"

Sarah: "BRIAN?!"

Brian: "No, no I didn't..."

DJ: "Ease up there, sister. Just messing' with your head. Your
answer, please?"

Sara: "Dear Lord...I cannot believe you told them this."

Brian: "Come on, honey, it's for a free trip to Florida."

DJ: "Let's go, sister. We ain't got all day here. Where did you
do it?"

Sarah: (short pause) "In the ass."

(long, long pause)

DJ: "We'll be right back after a word from our sponsors."


A little boy walked into his mom and dads room while they were
fighting. The dad yelled, "You bitch!" And the mom screamed,
"You bastard!" And the little boy said, "Mommy, Daddy what does
that mean???" And the parents replied "Um...ladies and
gentlemen." And with that answer the little boy ran off to bed.

The next night the parents were really horny, the dad said "Nice
tits!" And the mom, "Nice dick!" And the little boy ran into the
room and asked, "Mommy, Daddy what does that mean???" "Um...hats
and coats." And with that answer the little boy ran back to bed.

The next day was Thanksgiving and all of the relatives were
going to be eating and celebrating at the little boys house. The
little boy was on his way up the stairs and ran into the
bathroom. When he swung the door open it hit his dad's elbow,
(the dad was shaving and he cut himself) "Shit!" He bellowed.
"Daddy what does that mean???" "Um, it is the name of the
shaving cream that I'm using, now run downstairs and see what
your mom is doing." And with that the little boy did as he was
told. Meanwhile his mom was slicing the turkey, and she
accidentally put her finger in the wrong place. "Fuck!" She
hollered and the little boy said , "Mommy, what does that
mean???" "Um, it means I'm cutting the turkey."

DING-DONG the door bell rang and the little boy scampered off to
answer it saying: "Hello all of you bitches and bastards, hang
up your titties and dicks. Dad's up stairs whipping the shit off
of his face and mom's in the kitchen fucking the turkey!"

btw i want my cookie :)
 

DIZNUTS

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3,158
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#2
one more

A starving man has been walking through the woods for days. He
has no food, and no shelter. As he is walking he comes upon an
old house. Glad to finally see some civilization he runs to the
door and raps on it loudly. An old man answers. The starving man
asks the old man if he will give him shelter and food for the
night. Saying that he will be gone in the morning. The old man
agrees, saying that he can stay on one condition only. He must
not go any where near his granddaughter. If he does, he will
regret it greatly. The starving man agrees...after all, what
kind of girl would live so far out in the woods?

That night at the supper table the man and the granddaughter
can't keep their eyes off each other. They decide to meet up
later on. And when they do, it's like nothing either of them
have ever experienced before.

The next morning the man suddenly wakes up in his own room
because he feels a heavy weight on his chest. He looks down and
sees a rock sitting there. On it, it says "First Worst Torture
Test Known to Man--Rock on Chest." The man laughs and thinks, is
this all? This is going to be easy. So he gets out of bed, and
throws the rock out the window. As the rock is hurtling toward
the ground below he notice's another note stuck to the other
side of the rock it reads "Second Worst Torture Test Known to
Man--Rock Tied to Left Testicle." In a panic the man tries to
reach for the rock, realizing that it is too far out the window
to catch, he decides to jump out after it. On his way down, the
man sees a third note taped to the side of the building, it
reads "Third Worst Torture Test Known to Man--Right Testicle
tied to bedpost."