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Jokes

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#1
Okay, there are several jokes threads floating around, but I'm lazy and don't feel like finding them. This may be able to go in Chit Chat, but I'm posting here, so that there's free reign to go as dark/twisted as one should desire.

In talking with someone recently about my possible deployment, it was discussed that I could "play gay" to get out of the army. But that would probably land me straight into the Navy. This reminded me of a few good Navy jokes...


Why do they use powdered soap on air craft carriers?

Takes longer to pick up


Why do Marines ride on Naval ships?

Less conspicuous than sheep
 

G's-up

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#2
Ive put this one out before I think but......
Why did the Mexican girl turn up pregnant?
Her teacher told her to go home and do an essay.... :thumbsup:
 
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#3
How many men does it take to change the kitchen light?

None. Let the bitch cook in the dark


Why'd the woman cross the road?

Fuck that! What's she doing outta the kitchen - and where'd she get those shoes?


What's black & blue and hates sex?

The 12 year old in my trunk
 
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#4
G-string said:
Ive put this one out before I think but......
Why did the Mexican girl turn up pregnant?
Her teacher told her to go home and do an essay.... :thumbsup:

Nice.

what's the difference between a Mexican and a pepperoni pizza?
The pizza actually can feed a family of four
 

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#5
badassmtbiker said:
Nice.

what's the difference between a Mexican and a pepperoni pizza?
The pizza actually can feed a family of four
ROFL! :)
 

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#7
10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty

1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.
 

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#8
What do you call a 350 pound stripper?



Broke
 

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#9
60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?
 

Coffeeboi

Coffee makes you poop!
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#11
check it

how do you get a nun pregnant?

Ya' fuck her!

How do you know when an Italian girl is ashamed of her long, black hair?

She wears gloves to cover it up.

Why do chicks love Jesus?

*Spread arms in best crucifiction pose* Cause he's hung like this.
 
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#12
what do you get when you cross a mexican and an octopus?

i don't know but it sure can pick lettuce.



who killed more indians than john wayne?

union carbide.
 
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#13
ok a middle manager is sitting in his office one after noon and he gets a call from the higher ups saying he has to lose one person in his department. So after three days he narrows it down to jack or jill. so to see how they react he first calls jack into his office and tells him by the weeks end he either has to let me or jill go, jack says well this is your job either way no hard feelings. bout 5 minuits later he calls Jill in and says he either has to lay her or jack off, Jill says well i guess your going to have to jack off you perv
 

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#14
One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if she can take their order. Bush leans close to her and says, "Honey, can I have a quickie?"
The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women's rights and storms away.

Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced 'quiche'."
:thumbsup:
 

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#15
OK one more......LOL
A kid came home from school and asked his dad, "Dad, I heard some kids talking about a thing called a vagina. What is a vagina, and what does it look like?"
"Well, son, before sex it looks like a beautiful unopened rose."

"Wow, what does it look like after sex?"
"Well, son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaise?"
:)
 

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#17
Lawdawg428 said:
Are you looking these up on Jokes.com
Hang out around some used car salesmen and you'll hear'em all......rofl... :)
 
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#18
A military museum commissioned a great artist to create a painting depicting Custer's last moments. After many months of work, and anticipation the artist finally delivered the final product. At first sight the curator was furious - what had taken many months, and dollars was nothing that he had expected. He pressed the artist to explain why he had painted the image of fish jumping out of water, and Indians fornicating on the beach.
"Simple, Sir. You asked me to paint Custer's last thoughts - the only thing I could think of was 'Holy mackeral! Where'd all those fucking Indians come from!!' "
 
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#19
It was piles of shit with wings and haols and indians fucking


Holy shit where did all of these fucking indians come from

And the other custur joke Why was the ground at his last battle covered in white..... cause those indians kept comming and comming
 
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#20
G-string said:
Hang out around some used car salesmen and you'll hear'em all......rofl... :)
speaking of cars...

what's the difference between a dead baby and a cadillac?

I don't have a caddy in my garage
 
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