Just need to Scream,


Angel of Death
Inside im ugly
outside im alone
i can't feel this
no..i feel it all to well
i am burning....

this is utter crap. Lets take for a moment a day in my life. Cause you see sometimes i just wake up to sleep again. I have nothing to offer, nothing to give and yet how I feel like I take to much. Sometimes I find myself appolagizing when I know I was right. When I know it was not my fault or doesn't matter, just like im so ashamed I almost have to appolagize. Then this is where you end up. You realize I have never had fun or been happy to long. Maybe I just love being depressed, maybe I am just an emotinaly fucked up child from the wrong side of the tracks.

I can not write out my feelings anymore an emotional poetic flow for ya. Utter crap. I hurt. I fucking really fucking hurt. GOD DAMNIT TO THE 7th level of my own fucking hell. I didn't mean for shit to end up this way but who the fuck does. if i was just brave enough, just strong enough. I WOULD DIE.

I would kill myself. Somedays I think today will either be good or bad and I will smile... and then its like so empty there is no reason to smile. Half empty like the bottle of lord calvert, empty like the bottle of JD...oh boo fucking who I don't even give a crap about my life have the time. Why should anyone else. THis is not a life. A life is friends, people, smiles, pain, its sharing it with people.... and i am so lost... so utterly lost

confused... no

those words don't even reach the hollow depths of myself...there is no me. I don't know who i am, what i am, and where i am. I need help but the only one who can help is me. I can't i quite. I give up...

i don't know what i am loosing to...its myself...me....goddamn i am weak somedays. So weak...trying to be strong. Well fuck it. FUCK IT FUCK IT FUCK it..............................................................


I hate myself most of all... i don't know why... i honestly don't.... i am just sorry... i am so sorry i failed before i could even start... i am really sorry...

I need help.


lexicon incognito
kitana - i know you hate me and think my words are hollow and selfish, but if i could hand you my heart to dissect and examine you could see for yourself how much i understand what you're saying and how you're feeling.

you're approaching something known as a 'hardening.' what will happen if you continue caring about all these things is that some things will inevitably slip through the cracks (who knows, it could be you stop putting on eye shadow in the morning, or it could be that you stop talking to a friend, or stop coming to wtf [though i think wtf has GOT to be strongly theraputic for you and you should stay]).

the fucking weird part is how you react when things slip. at first it will trigger alarms and you'll start to hate yourself for letting things slip. a friend's birthday, someone you ignore once who says they 'need' you when you know you 'need' more of yourself than you have to give.

after a while, though, you'll let these things not bother you, and your life will begin to feel more ordered to you again. outer chaos drives the inner chaos; i know this for a fact. i'm not one who has ever rusted the barrel of a gun with his own saliva, but i understand how it gets there.

this is sick, but i have turned to xanax in the past for relief when it has felt absolutely unbearable; xanax just turns off your emotional response to anything within 25 minutes and can be a blessing when you think you're going to burst out in unchecked anger/violence/tears/rage.

i'm sorry this got so long, but i hope you can extract something reassuring from it.

~ dan ~