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Light in the dark


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Light in the Dark (Part I)

The following article is reprinted from the Journal of Sucker
Theory (Bell Laboratories).

For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light.

However recent
information from Bell Labs has proven otherwise.

bulbs don't emit light, they suck dark. Thus, they now
call these bulbs dark-suckers. The dark theory, according
to a Bell Labs spokesman, proves the existence of dark,
that dark has mass heavier than that of light, and that
dark is faster than light. The basis of the dark-sucker
theory is that electric bulbs suck dark.

for example the dark-suckers in the room where you are.

is less dark right next to them than there is elsewhere.
The larger the dark sucker, the greater its capacity to
suck dark.

in a parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck
dark than the ones in this room.

with all things, dark suckers don't last forever. Once
they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is
proven by the black spot on a full dark sucker. A new
candle has a white wick. You will notice after the first
use the wick turns black, representing all the dark which
has been sucked into it. If you hold a pencil next to
the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black
because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the
candle. Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have
a very limited range.

There are
also portable dark suckers. The bulbs in these can't handle all
the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit.
When the dark storage unit is full, it must either be emptied
or replaced before the portable dark sucker can be operated again.
Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from
this mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating
dark sucker. Candles present a special problem, as the dark must
travel in the solid wick instead of through glass. Thus, it can
be very dangerous to touch an operating candle. Dark is also heavier
than light. If you swim deeper and deeper, you notice it gets
darker and darker. When you reach a depth of approximately fifty
feet, you are in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark
sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats to
the top. The immense power of the dark can be utilized to man's
advantage. We can collect the dark that has settled to the bottom
of the lakes and push it through turbines which generate electricity
and help push dark to the ocean, where it maybe safely stored.

In conclusion,
Bell Labs stated that dark suckers make all our live much easier.
So, the next time you look at an electric bulb, remember that
it is indeed a dark sucker!

Light in the Dark (Part II)

I, p. 2. Bell Laboratories Newsletter, (4/88)

Part I of this series, the general scope and evidence of the dark
sucker theory was discussed. The three basic tenets of the dark
sucker theory are that

Lamps do not emit light, they suck dark;

(2) Dark has mass heavier than light; and

(3) dark is faster than light.

the corollaries not discussed in that paper are the following
facts: Dark is colder than light, dark has almost infinite mass,
and dark is extremely corrosive.

Dark is colder than light. While it has been generally theorized
that refrigeration operates on the principle of expanding and
contracting gases, in actuality refrigerators simply suck tiny
amounts of dark from the surrounding atmosphere and inject it
into the inside of the refrigeration compartment. This process
is halted whenever the door is opened and all the dark is immediately
sucked out of the refrigerator. For this reason it is wasteful
of energy to open the door of a refrigerator too often. Dark has
almost infinite mass. Although dark suckers have been in operation
for nearly a century now, there remains as much dark as there
was when their operation first started. When a dark sucker ceases
to operate, the room fills up immediately with dark again. Stroboscopic
photography has proven that the process of dark refilling a room
occurs much faster than the process of dark being sucked out of
a room. (This is why it is believed that dark travels faster than
light). The corrosive nature of dark has been known for some time,
but it has only recently received scientific study. Research indicates
that although dark has one the highest corrosive pensions known
to man, it must chemically react with the element being corroded
in order to produce its effect. By far the best catalyst for this
process is fire. When a wooden log is mixed with fire, it begins
to suck dark. Friction from this process generates heat which
makes it very dangerous to touch the fire. In fact if one gets
to close to an object which is sucking dark, he himself can become
a sucker. Many have speculated that it is the fire itself which
produces heat, but that can be easily refuted by observing an
operating soldering iron. Although it produces heat, it does not
have fire anywhere near it. Therefore, fire does not produce heat.
As the wooden log begins to chemically react with the dark it
is sucking, it soon begins to have the same color as dark. In
addition to this, the dark will begin to actively corrode the
log. When the log is full of dark, it will be completely black
with dark and will be heavily corroded. The fire, lacking the
ability to infuse more dark into the log, will give up. One will
observe, however, that the remains of the log/dark reaction will
continue to emit heat for quite a while after the fire has gone.

Yet more proof that fire does not generate heat. It is hoped that
this information will prove valuable to mankind as he attempts
to harness the potential stored in dark.

Light in the Dark (Part III)

I, p. 3. Bell Laboratories Newsletter, (4/88)

thoroughly analyzed the general theory and evidence of dark-sucking,
Bell Labs instructed me and my staff to delve into some particular
applications of the sucker principle. It was discovered by several
of my assistants that among the many technological advancements
in general suction apparatus, by far the most interesting was
the dark-sucking diode (DSD). Formerly referred to as the Light
Emitting Diode, this device manages to suck dark in a manner unique
to itself. It has long been thought that incandescent and fluorescent
bulbs emit light by two very different principles, it is now realized
that they are actually very similar in their approach, and that
rather than emit anything, they simply suck dark.

Described technically, these devices excite matter through electrical
stimuli until their molecules are in an extreme degree of excitation.
When this occurs, there is much greater distance between the molecules
of the matter in question than there was before.This creates a
vacuum between the molecules which must be filled with something
if there is less vacuum in the surrounding area. Since 99% of
all vacuum in the universe is filled with dark, it is no surprise
to discover that dark rushes in to fill the vacuum created in
this manner. The amount of distance between molecules that can
be created in this manner is staggeringly large resulting in an
extremely efficient device capable of sucking all the dark from
an area thousands of times the size of the actual matter doing
the dark sucking.

The fact that in one type of bulb tungsten is used for matter
to excite, and that in other bulbs various gases are used is of
no consequence. All of these types of dark suckers suck dark by
the same principle of expanding distance between molecules and
creating dark vacuums which suck dark from the surrounding atmosphere,
and all of them will eventually fail because they are full of
dark and unable to operate any longer. Please refer to part IV
for details on the operation of the DSD. This will follow in a
later message.

Light in the Dark (Part IV)

Volume I, p. 4. Bell Laboratories Newsletter,

Please refer to part III on incandescent and fluorescent dark
suckers for related information. The dark-sucking diode sucks
dark in a different manner altogether from either incandescent
or fluorescent bulbs. A single dark sucking diode has almost infinite
lifetime based on normal operations. Indeed, this very fact was
one reason why the dark-sucker theory was never really accepted
among many of the more conservative schools until recently. How
could a dark sucker work forever when it was most certain to fill
up with dark and cease to operate? In addition to this, the fact
that the DSD was physically smaller than other dark-suckers yet
operated longer was a source of great trepidation to most proponents
of the sucker theory. Two of my top assistants, however, discovered
the solution to this problem. An operating DSD creates and maintains
a unique field referred to by my staff as the Schildt Vortex (after
Margaret Schildt, who discovered the field) which has the following
characteristics: An area of vacuum in the center referred to as
the "pit" sucks a large amount of dark for such a tiny
area, and an aril-like shell around this area conducts electrical
current only in one direction. The aril produces some interesting
side effects, some of which we are only beginning to understand.
Among these effects are tiny electronic capillaries which reach
into the heart of the pit and draw off the dark being sucked in.
For this reason, the pit never fills up with dark and the duty
cycle of the device is practically infinite. The dark is channeled
into the circuitry surrounding the DSD and eventually works its
way into the power source for the apparatus. The corrosive factor
is avoided (see part II) because of the way that the unique capillary
action of the Schildt vortex fuses the electricity and the dark
on the sub-atomic level. My staff are [sic] currently busy studying
this phenomenon and attempting to locate any effects caused by
this strange side effect.

Light in the Dark (Part V)

Volume I, p. 5. Bell Laboratories Newsletter,

Here at Bell Labs, our researchers have been busy day and night
studying effects which have only recently become known to us since
the discovery of the "Dark-Sucker" theory, that lamps
do not emit light, they suck dark.

Much study has been recently devoted to the study of the special
problems presented by the DSD (dark sucking diode). Study of this
relatively new destination of dark has revealed some rather unsettling
news. It appears that during normal operations the DSD sustains
an unusual phenomenon known as the Schildt vortex which is an
electronic substitute for mass. This area is capable of sucking
dark with greater efficiency than a tungsten filament and produces
very little heat in the process.

The ultimate question which has plagued our staff for months has
been, "Where does the dark go?" Also, they have been
concerned with such questions as, "Why does a DSD produce
virtually no heat?", "How can dark be bonded with electrons
on the sub-atomic level? When does this bond break down?"
, and "Is there really anything that can be done about hair
loss?" Preliminary studies show that the dark is indeed fused
on a sub-atomic level with traveling electrons during normal unidirectional
current flow through the aril capillaries (see part IV) of the
DSD. Unfortunately, it has become evident that this bonding, although
useful for removing dark from a given area, does not last long.

Because of the extreme speed at which electrons whirl around their
nuclei, coupled with the fact that dark does indeed have mass,
the dark is eventually slung off into the surrounding area where
it becomes trapped in the intra atomic void. This process occurs
randomly over a given area anywhere between 3 feet and 30 feet
from the operating DSD. This means that the wiring inside most
domestic and corporate buildings are slowly accumulating dark.
Concentrations of dark well above established safety levels for
general living quarters has been discovered in nearly every demographic
area surveyed. Statistically, the most lethal concentrations have
been observed in houses with teenage children who listen to loud
rock music. It is believed that this is because of the fact that
many stereos utilize DSD panels for bar type metered output. In
an effort to alleviate this problem, Bell Labs offers this special
service: Anyone who sends a one-foot sample of their household
wire, along with a modest processing fee of $69.99, will receive
in the mail our diagnosis of the saturation level of their wiring
and warn of any possible danger. Payment should be made directly
to me, (George McConnel). All replies will be kept strictly confidential,
and results will be returned in plain paper. Yes and a star is
a light sucker and a Black hole is a darkness generator. Actually
when you turn on your flashlight it sucks in darkness and stores
in the batteries. When the batteries are full of darkness they
no longer work.


In Memory...
If you really found that written by a guy at Bell Laboratories, then he was on some heavy acid.....photons and the absence of photons in relation to mass, bwahahahaha........cracks me up.