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Missing PVT Gobbles (long)

_Kitana_

Angel of Death
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#1
Yeah I know you guys are sick of hearing this shit and to be honest... I am not good about telling how I feel, at least not to people I know in life, so please understand.

Today, I got to see my husband.... They are having a videoconference tomorrow. He never signed me up, being as I live 2 hours away from where they are hosting it. He didn't think it was worth it. But he got to use a computer with a Cam tonight. I just didn't get to hear his voice....


He held his hand up to the cam and I could almost touch it, feel it. I seen his smile and could almost hear a laugh or two, I seen how I had to break his smile when I told him his uncle had passed away and for the first time I could not hold him and let him cry.

I didn't want to tell him, but I knew he had the right to know. I let him know I had called on his behave and offered my sympathy. I ordered flowers and sent a card with some money. I did my best... to let him know that I made sure his aunt knew she was in our prayers.

I watched him like a true soldier shake it off and say thanks. I read his words as I seen his angel (his gun) he carries with him and the ammo. I seen his beat up, bloody hands, when he removed the racing gloves I sent him, to show me how they was healing. I seen his deep eyes, that now held more pride, more strength an honor then I had ever seen in them before... I hardly knew them, yet still remembered them.

. I miss him more then my heart will ever allow anyone to know. I want him home and yet I know I cannot have him. I seen my soldier and I wanted to be there.

I listen to Jesse as he typed about nothing and I clung to every word as if it was golden. I told him I love him a thousand times and I missed him. I told him I was always thinking about him and that even though I am not there, my heart and soul is.

I did my best to remind him he is not forgotten. I wonder if he ever feels that way. I told him all the things I wanted to do when he got back. I told him what our home was looking like...how I plan on doing our bedroom and how I did my best to get rid of my stuffed animals.

I never really told him how I cry every night, cause I miss him so much. How sometimes I just want to die thinking about his arms not being around me. I never told him I fall asleep to his pictures or I stay up all night... Just staring at them.

I want to be there for him and some how I feel I am not. I want to tell him things and I know I cannot. I forgot to mention how afraid I was... How I have faith still, even though I do not always feel it.

I never told him the night he left I prayed to God to send all my angels in heaven to him. To guide him, to watch over him.... to bring him home to me... I prayed, I don't pray... but it was all I could do. Funny, how things work out that way.

I am afraid of losing him, I am afraid of him being ashamed of me.... I am afraid that he thinks he has to support me. I am afraid of him no longer loving me. I am afraid that he and I have changed too much for our love to make it past this. 10 months since he went to basic, 3 months since he been in Iraq and 10 months to go........ A long time, but I believe, I hope… we can over come that time.

I know I have to be strong, and keep pushing myself. I know I have to stand on my own to be there for him, but I have fallen and when I fall... I fall hard. I am unsure if I can get back up, but if it has yet to kill me... then I know I still have a fighting chance. Hope has always been there for me, win or lose. I still have it.

I feel more alone then I have ever known. My friends have bailed and my family has forgotten me, but it matters little, I guess. I am here.... he is there... and he needs me to be here for him. Some way or some how... I am going to find my wings again. I am going to find where I belong, where I need to go. I can do this.... if Jesse can do what he is doing, then by God I can do what I need to do. Just need faith, faith in myself and this will be alright. This will all be but a memory, a time when I can look back and say.... I did it, I made it, I reached my goal.
 

Give u Cancer

Orggh... poo mah pants...
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#2
Umm.... Kitana, I care about you and your husband; I'm sure a lot of people do... but your posting a little too much of this stuff; it's kind of defeating the purpose of "ranting." Now don't get me wrong, this thread WAS very well written. But don't get mad at me, I'm just being honest. You seem cool to me, don't get mad. ;)
 
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#3
Main Entry: rant
Function: noun
1 a : a bombastic extravagant speech

Merriam-Webster Dictionary there.

And Kit, I am sure alot of people can feel for you, and alot can't. So you may get support from here or you may get asinine remarks, but at least you had the guts to post something personal.
 

_Kitana_

Angel of Death
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#4
lol

Yes in away this is a rant and its not....

its just me using an outlet for emotion in anyway I see fit. My other boards I post on I sometimes do the samething. I am not telling you, you have to give a shit or anything like that. I was just letting go of a lot of pain. I don't regret writting it, and I don't feel I misused the site in any way. I believe in away is was ranting about my fear with my husband. There is no other true way to describe it.

The amins can delete it, or leave it. I will try not to post to much more like this and in away I don't make that many threads. So I ask you kindly, if you don't want to read it... skip over it or deal.

Thanks,

Kit
 

Give u Cancer

Orggh... poo mah pants...
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#5
Well, yeah, I can understand it helps you relieve yourself of all the grief.... but I'd never know because I havnt yet had to go through something like this. (knock on wood)
 

_Kitana_

Angel of Death
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#6
Give u Cancer said:
Well, yeah, I can understand it helps you relieve yourself of all the grief.... but I'd never know because I havnt yet had to go through something like this. (knock on wood)
hope you don't but it only makes us stronger...