Yeah I know you guys are sick of hearing this shit and to be honest... I am not good about telling how I feel, at least not to people I know in life, so please understand.
Today, I got to see my husband.... They are having a videoconference tomorrow. He never signed me up, being as I live 2 hours away from where they are hosting it. He didn't think it was worth it. But he got to use a computer with a Cam tonight. I just didn't get to hear his voice....
He held his hand up to the cam and I could almost touch it, feel it. I seen his smile and could almost hear a laugh or two, I seen how I had to break his smile when I told him his uncle had passed away and for the first time I could not hold him and let him cry.
I didn't want to tell him, but I knew he had the right to know. I let him know I had called on his behave and offered my sympathy. I ordered flowers and sent a card with some money. I did my best... to let him know that I made sure his aunt knew she was in our prayers.
I watched him like a true soldier shake it off and say thanks. I read his words as I seen his angel (his gun) he carries with him and the ammo. I seen his beat up, bloody hands, when he removed the racing gloves I sent him, to show me how they was healing. I seen his deep eyes, that now held more pride, more strength an honor then I had ever seen in them before... I hardly knew them, yet still remembered them.
. I miss him more then my heart will ever allow anyone to know. I want him home and yet I know I cannot have him. I seen my soldier and I wanted to be there.
I listen to Jesse as he typed about nothing and I clung to every word as if it was golden. I told him I love him a thousand times and I missed him. I told him I was always thinking about him and that even though I am not there, my heart and soul is.
I did my best to remind him he is not forgotten. I wonder if he ever feels that way. I told him all the things I wanted to do when he got back. I told him what our home was looking like...how I plan on doing our bedroom and how I did my best to get rid of my stuffed animals.
I never really told him how I cry every night, cause I miss him so much. How sometimes I just want to die thinking about his arms not being around me. I never told him I fall asleep to his pictures or I stay up all night... Just staring at them.
I want to be there for him and some how I feel I am not. I want to tell him things and I know I cannot. I forgot to mention how afraid I was... How I have faith still, even though I do not always feel it.
I never told him the night he left I prayed to God to send all my angels in heaven to him. To guide him, to watch over him.... to bring him home to me... I prayed, I don't pray... but it was all I could do. Funny, how things work out that way.
I am afraid of losing him, I am afraid of him being ashamed of me.... I am afraid that he thinks he has to support me. I am afraid of him no longer loving me. I am afraid that he and I have changed too much for our love to make it past this. 10 months since he went to basic, 3 months since he been in Iraq and 10 months to go........ A long time, but I believe, I hope… we can over come that time.
I know I have to be strong, and keep pushing myself. I know I have to stand on my own to be there for him, but I have fallen and when I fall... I fall hard. I am unsure if I can get back up, but if it has yet to kill me... then I know I still have a fighting chance. Hope has always been there for me, win or lose. I still have it.
I feel more alone then I have ever known. My friends have bailed and my family has forgotten me, but it matters little, I guess. I am here.... he is there... and he needs me to be here for him. Some way or some how... I am going to find my wings again. I am going to find where I belong, where I need to go. I can do this.... if Jesse can do what he is doing, then by God I can do what I need to do. Just need faith, faith in myself and this will be alright. This will all be but a memory, a time when I can look back and say.... I did it, I made it, I reached my goal.
Today, I got to see my husband.... They are having a videoconference tomorrow. He never signed me up, being as I live 2 hours away from where they are hosting it. He didn't think it was worth it. But he got to use a computer with a Cam tonight. I just didn't get to hear his voice....
He held his hand up to the cam and I could almost touch it, feel it. I seen his smile and could almost hear a laugh or two, I seen how I had to break his smile when I told him his uncle had passed away and for the first time I could not hold him and let him cry.
I didn't want to tell him, but I knew he had the right to know. I let him know I had called on his behave and offered my sympathy. I ordered flowers and sent a card with some money. I did my best... to let him know that I made sure his aunt knew she was in our prayers.
I watched him like a true soldier shake it off and say thanks. I read his words as I seen his angel (his gun) he carries with him and the ammo. I seen his beat up, bloody hands, when he removed the racing gloves I sent him, to show me how they was healing. I seen his deep eyes, that now held more pride, more strength an honor then I had ever seen in them before... I hardly knew them, yet still remembered them.
. I miss him more then my heart will ever allow anyone to know. I want him home and yet I know I cannot have him. I seen my soldier and I wanted to be there.
I listen to Jesse as he typed about nothing and I clung to every word as if it was golden. I told him I love him a thousand times and I missed him. I told him I was always thinking about him and that even though I am not there, my heart and soul is.
I did my best to remind him he is not forgotten. I wonder if he ever feels that way. I told him all the things I wanted to do when he got back. I told him what our home was looking like...how I plan on doing our bedroom and how I did my best to get rid of my stuffed animals.
I never really told him how I cry every night, cause I miss him so much. How sometimes I just want to die thinking about his arms not being around me. I never told him I fall asleep to his pictures or I stay up all night... Just staring at them.
I want to be there for him and some how I feel I am not. I want to tell him things and I know I cannot. I forgot to mention how afraid I was... How I have faith still, even though I do not always feel it.
I never told him the night he left I prayed to God to send all my angels in heaven to him. To guide him, to watch over him.... to bring him home to me... I prayed, I don't pray... but it was all I could do. Funny, how things work out that way.
I am afraid of losing him, I am afraid of him being ashamed of me.... I am afraid that he thinks he has to support me. I am afraid of him no longer loving me. I am afraid that he and I have changed too much for our love to make it past this. 10 months since he went to basic, 3 months since he been in Iraq and 10 months to go........ A long time, but I believe, I hope… we can over come that time.
I know I have to be strong, and keep pushing myself. I know I have to stand on my own to be there for him, but I have fallen and when I fall... I fall hard. I am unsure if I can get back up, but if it has yet to kill me... then I know I still have a fighting chance. Hope has always been there for me, win or lose. I still have it.
I feel more alone then I have ever known. My friends have bailed and my family has forgotten me, but it matters little, I guess. I am here.... he is there... and he needs me to be here for him. Some way or some how... I am going to find my wings again. I am going to find where I belong, where I need to go. I can do this.... if Jesse can do what he is doing, then by God I can do what I need to do. Just need faith, faith in myself and this will be alright. This will all be but a memory, a time when I can look back and say.... I did it, I made it, I reached my goal.
