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More Stupid, Inept Co-Workers

ron

Buster of Asses
963
0
0
#1
For a long time, I was the whole IT department for my company. I went into this deplorable situation with the understanding that I would be building an IT department as I built the infrastructure that would move us out of the computing stone age.

About three years later, management decides to live up to their promise. Whatever. At least I would be getting some help and I could actually go away on vacation occasionally. Right?

Wrong. Management refused to hire any of the people I knew, had worked with before, and would have preferred to work with again. Instead, they hired a recruiter to find some likely candidates. Huh? No, don't listen to the guy who desinged and built the shit; what do I know? Don't hire someone known, whose skills have been proven in the past.

No, they decided to hire the guy who smiled a lot and who had obviously padded his resume, against my judgement. This led to a few managerial confrontations, but to no avail.

So, they hire this dimwit. I like a challenge, so I decided to teach him what I know. Visions of motorcycling through New England began to fill my head and clouded my vision. Never listen to the voices, by the way.

So, I try and try to make this pinhead a system administrator (that's a sysadmin, asshole). Got r00t? Yeah, I do, but you don't.

At first, I thought he must just have less experience than we thought and the learning curve was steep. Then, I came to the conclusion that he was just stupid. My visions of motorcycling in New England were quickly replaced by unpleasant visions of him typing rm -rf /* from the command prompt and then asking where all the files went. Spooky.

Anyway, after three months of trying to help this dumbass grow professionally, I gave up. I am not that type of person, mind you, but I have work to do and a family life. Fucking moron actually ignored me when I told him to take copious notes. I really lost my patience when I had to tell him the exact same thing more than twice. I'll repeat myself once, but write it down, pinhead!

This person liked to hide. He was a master at disappearance. Fucking Amazing Randi or something. However, he was not smart, so there was a trail we could follow. He loved to reserve company cars in order to take a trip to another location on a Friday so he could have the car for the weekend. Your car's a piece of shit? Deal with it.

While he worked for us, it quickly became evident that this piece of shit thought he was a freelancer. He ignored me and management when we gave him something he didn't want to do. He called in sick at the drop of a hat, usually on Mondays and Fridays. He'd listen to Bill O'Reilly and tell the female minority employees that a woman's place is in the home. Ouch.

The last straw finally came a couple of months ago. He calls up one morning to leave a cryptic voice mail that his father has a serious medical condition and he would not be in all week. Whatever, pal. So the week goes by without us able to contact him and no contact from him. I noticed, however, that his e-mail was being read. The weekend comes and goes, then Monday. I notice right away that he has been in the building and at his desk.

Danger! Danger, Will Robinson! What's this little monkey up to? I find a couple of things on the systems that night be the result of ignorance or malice, depending on your mindset. I lock him out and even block his IP address from coming in remotely. I change the alarm codes, and we get the locks changed on the doors. My boss calls the only number we have and leaves him a voice mail, "It looks like you have abandoned your job. Please return your cell phone. You are being terminated." Very politick of him. We move on to more important things.

Tueday morning this little punk comes bopping in to work like he still worked here. Fucking nerve! Fortunately, we catch him coming in and direct him to the HR office, where he gets officially canned. He begs, whines, offers excuses, and finally cries. Then he becomes pissed, so he gets escorted out. His excuse for missing Monday was that he was sick and his wife was supposed to call in for him. Whatever, pal. Buh-bye.

About a week later we discover that he had filed for unemployment during the week he had been absent from work with this father's crisis. Needless to say, he fucked himself by doing that; he got nothing for unemployment. Dumbass.
 

TwisT

Hooked on Rocks!
2,347
0
0
#2
I've worked with some fucked up people, but what an ass!
 

MaxPower

You're my number two
Staff
16,906
3,365
487
#4
Boy, it's chilly in here. Care to throw another loser on the fire?

Code:
a=msgbox("Throw Another loser on the fire?",vbyesno)
if a=vbyes then
b=run c:\Loser\ThrowOnfire.vbs
msgbox "Thank You" & b
if a=vbno then
end if
 
#5
MaxPower said:
Boy, it's chilly in here. Care to throw another loser on the fire?

Code:
a=msgbox("Throw Another loser on the fire?",vbyesno)
if a=vbyes then
b=run c:\Loser\ThrowOnfire.vbs
msgbox "Thank You" & b
if a=vbno then
end if
Code:
com= i HATE fire
command: /putoutfire
command unknown
command: /putoutthefuckingfireyoushittycomputer!
*done*
 

Broken

Member smoked too much weed!
3,891
0
0
#6
$_POST["word"] = str_replace("a","4",$_POST["word"]); // set the value of each letter

$_POST["word"] = str_replace("e","3",$_POST["word"]); $_POST["word"] = str_replace("g","6",$_POST["word"]); $_POST["word"] = str_replace("i","1",$_POST["word"]); $_POST["word"] = str_replace("l","1",$_POST["word"]); $_POST["word"] = str_replace("o","0",$_POST["word"]); $_POST["word"] = str_replace("q","9",$_POST["word"]); $_POST["word"] = str_replace("s","5",$_POST["word"]); $_POST["word"] = str_replace("t","7",$_POST["word"]); $_POST["word"] = str_replace("A","4",$_POST["word"]); $_POST["word"] = str_replace("E","3",$_POST["word"]); $_POST["word"] = str_replace("G","6",$_POST["word"]); $_POST["word"] = str_replace("I","1",$_POST["word"]); $_POST["word"] = str_replace("L","1",$_POST["word"]); $_POST["word"] = str_replace("O","0",$_POST["word"]); $_POST["word"] = str_replace("Q","9",$_POST["word"]); $_POST["word"] = str_replace("S","5",$_POST["word"]); $_POST["word"] = str_replace("T","7",$_POST["word"]); $_POST["word"] = str_replace("you","j00",$_POST["word"]); $_POST["word"] = str_replace("You","j00",$_POST["word"]);
 

ron

Buster of Asses
963
0
0
#7
Are we showing our foo?

Code:
#!/usr/bin/perl -w
use strict;
use IO::Socket;
use IO::Select;
$|++;  # always flush
 
my $port  = 8080;
my $lsn   = new IO::Socket::INET(Listen => 1, LocalPort => $port);
my $sel   = new IO::Select( $lsn );
my %state = ();
 
print "Thin Server 2.0 listening on port $port.\n";
 
#####################################################################
#
#   Main Loop
#
#####################################################################
while( my @ready = $sel->can_read )
{
   foreach my $fh (@ready)
   {
      if ($fh == $lsn) # Create a new connection
      {
         $sel->add($lsn->accept);
      }
      else             # Process existing connection
      {
         my $in = '';
         $fh->recv( $in, 4096 );
         $in =~ s/[\r\n]//g;
#         print "received: >$in<\n";
          
         &done( $fh )          if     $in =~ /quit/;
         &transact( $fh, $in ) unless $in =~ /quit/;
      }
   }
}
 
#####################################################################
#
#   Kill a connection
#
#####################################################################
sub done
{
   my $fh = shift;
   $sel->remove( $fh );
   $fh->close;
}
 
#####################################################################
#
#   Make a transaction
#
#####################################################################
sub transact
{
   my ($fh, $text) = @_;
    
   my @pairs = split( '&', $text );
    
   #
   #  Update state
   #
   foreach (@pairs)
   {
      my ($k,$v) = split( '=' );
      $state{ $k } = $v   if $k &&  $v;  # update value
      delete $state{ $k } if $k && !$v;  # remove key
   }
    
   #
   #  Broadcast new state
   #
   my @out = ();
    
   foreach my $key (keys %state)
   {
      push @out, "$key=$state{$key}";
   }
    
   my $state = join( '&', @out );
    
#   print "Sending: $state\n";
   $fh->write( "$state\n" );
}
 
#8
Code:
/quit later
deusexmac has quit (later)Heap at VM Abort:
Heap
 def new generation   total 576K, used 438K [0x10030000, 0x100d0000, 0x10790000)
  eden space 512K,  78% used [0x10030000, 0x10094488, 0x100b0000)
  from space 64K,  57% used [0x100b0000, 0x100b93c0, 0x100c0000)
  to   space 64K,   0% used [0x100c0000, 0x100c0000, 0x100d0000)
 tenured generation   total 4244K, used 4116K [0x10790000, 0x10bb5000, 0x16030000)
   the space 4244K,  97% used [0x10790000, 0x10b953a8, 0x10b95400, 0x10bb5000)
 compacting perm gen  total 6400K, used 6249K [0x16030000, 0x16670000, 0x1a030000)
   the space 6400K,  97% used [0x16030000, 0x1664a400, 0x1664a400, 0x16670000)

Local Time = Sun Aug 29 17:57:12 2004
Elapsed Time = 999
#
# The exception above was detected in native code outside the VM
#
# Java VM: Java HotSpot(TM) Client VM (1.4.2-b28 mixed mode)
#