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my book

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thepocketsong

Flame Bait
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ok so im writing this book to help me get passed some shit and this is a little section from it...tell me what you guys think (its VERY loosely based on things that really happened)

ok its about this girl (kendall) deeply in love with this other girl (whitney) and whitney tries to hide her feelings for kendall by leaving town but she ends up staying because she loves her too much but she wont admit it to herself..well here ya go...


Up next was the cart that had all the body jewelry on it; she needed a new belly button ring. She browsed for a few moments and one caught her eye. It had a rainbow on the screw on ball. This made those feelings she didn’t have rush back. She looked away and decided on one that had a yellow smiley face in it. The feelings wouldn’t go away so she decided to cater to them rather then fight them. She thought about all the times they had been at the mall together. She thought about that night they kissed. She soon realized she was walking toward the food court so she went where her stomach led. It decided on Ninfa’s. Whit got nachos and sat in the food court appeasing her appetite, trying not to think. The appetite was suppressed but the memories weren’t so she wandered aimlessly around the mall. She finally forgot to think and began window shopping....
 
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Pachyderm

I really did.
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The paragraph is too colloquial in my opinion. There are lots of readers out there that like informal writings such as this but they are usually a younger crowd, and I don't think you are trying to atract pre-adolescence, so try to eliminate the words like 'so' and 'finally'. You also use words over a lot. You should also be more imaginative in your descriptions of the body jewelery cart, the food court, the nachos etc. It would give your story flare.
I don't know where your story begins or how far this into the book this paragraph would begin, but if it's part of your exposition, try to make it more lively. You could do this by adding bits of humor (sarcastically or subtly or just totally dripping with comic relief) or add tons and tons of similes and be very intricate in your description (like Mark Twain..one of my faves.) I am a big fan of dry humor and it adds a nice style to a book when used right. Usually you will find some tragedies in life (like not getting together or being embarrassed about your sexuality to do something) that you can make totally funny. For instance, have the character have more of a thought process and go through all the ignorancies of a troubled teenager dealing with social and emotional problems, it has lots of potential.
This paragraph has lots of potential in my opinion, it's rough around the edges...needs to be shined. Good point of view though, there are a lot of people going through this, but not enough writing on it out there. Your diction is getting there so keep it up.
 
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durtytoothbrush

no piggy no!!!
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hey babe- i didn't even see this and it's been posted for how long?? i don't really post in the writers block anymore as no one really responds to my stuff.
 
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