My mother the embezzler

DeuceDealer

Flame Bait
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Yes that's right, my mom embezzled $18,000 and blamed it on me. Nice...!
Haha, her 51st birthday was a few weeks ago so I called her and asked, "So, how does it feel to be one short of a full deck?" I don't think that is THAT mean, is it? She didn't understand so I just told her happy birthday. "Eh, whatever," she blandly dismissed my effort. Then she said, to someone on her end of the phone, "Yeah, she wished me a happy birthday. No present, didn't offer to cook dinner...." So I like an idiot ask if she wants me to cook dinner. (What the heck would I make anyway? Microwave beans?) She said, "No, I already started it, and I used the can opener that I BOUGHT MYSELF because I didn't get one for Mother's Day." Ohhhhh... So sorry....
Yeah well she's going to die soon, and won't the world be better for it. You could grind up her body and smoke it. Hmmm! I also had a spell checker tell me to spell "Hmm" as "H'm"--what do you think? I mean, really, what is being omitted that there needs to be an apostrophe in "H'm"?
*aspires to embezzle*