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My nephew is a complete n00b.

Shurikane

Raging Hermaphrodite
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#1
My nephew Alex has pretty much everything going for him. He's in a good home, gets good grades, has lots of friends and his parents don't spoil him too much.

Unfortunately, he was born with the n00b gene.

Before Christmas, I had learned that he had gotten a PS2. Therefore, Mom and I decide to buy him Final Fantasy X-2. We figured this would keep him busy for a while. Let's point out here that Alex is 12.

There wasn't enough place at the table for everyone, so the oldies ate first, followed by the youngsters. While Alex was eating, I went downstairs to the PS2, popped the CD into the machine and started playing a piece of the game. After a while, Alex comes down, so I reset the machine and let him play.

After 2 minutes, he says "[Shurikane], what do I need to do?"

I turn around and find out he had just gotten his first mission and had been left to go and accomplish it.

"Did you read your mission orders?" I ask.

"What mission orders?"

"...You skipped the dialogues, haven't you..."

"Yeah. It's boring."

"Restart the game."

"What?"

"I said: restart the game, and this time, read the dialogue. Your mission orders were there, you just had to read 'em."

Flash forward a few months later. I'm at Alex's place, he's just rented Turok Evolution. He asks me to start playing if I want, and what does he do in the meantime?

He goes on the Internet to look for cheat codes.

That's right, he hasn't even played the fucking game yet and he already tries to cheat on it.

Flash forward a few months later, yesterday, actually. He comes home because his dad had to bring me a Windows XP machine to do some operations on an infamous hard drive of mine. I had burned a few Dreamcast games for Alex so I asked him how they were.

"They're good." He said. "But Industrial Spy, I have absolutely no idea what to do. I can't even move!"

For your information, Industrial Spy isn't even a game where "you" move, it's a game where you issue orders to agents.

So I said: "Did you say 'yes' when the chick told you if you wanted further assistance on your first mission?"

"...What?"

"She said that. It was her third line actually. She asks you if you want further help and then the tutorial begins."

At that point, I should've told him I had written about the chick asking that question on the jewel case cover but it seems Alex hadn't read the box at all.

"Know what? Restart the game, say YES when the chick asks you and go from there. By the way, the castle mission is gonna fuck you over. That's all I have to say."

The castle mission in this game operates on a set of doors and traps, connected to 24 switches scattered throughout the level. I don't expect Alex to ever finish it.

"By the way, are there any cheat codes for Rez?" He asks.

"No. You need to work for all the unlockable yourself, like a man."

Next up, I start working on the hard drive. The machine my half-brother had brought belonged to Alex.

I turn it on, it crashes on startup. I need to reboot it once and then it works properly.

I plug it to the network, and start transferring files. Quickly, I realize his computer is fucked up in the worst ways: it is slow as hell, randomly freezes, and I get porn ads over porn ads.

So I turn to Alex and say "You need to format that box."

"How do I restart it?"

Note that Alex can't get himself to say "format". For him "restarting" in his mind is "formatting" in mine, don't ask why.

Then my half-brother tells me: "I told him I wouldn't fix his machine anymore, that if he fucked it up, it would be his problem and he'd have to fix it himself."

So I say to Alex: "You NEED to format your computer."

"But how?!"

"Go look on the Internet or instruction manuals, ask your dad, whatever, this is your mission. I am not giving you any further information. You go and figure out how to fix a box yourself."

"But I don't know how to [format] my computer!!"

"Go seek the answers. Make a man out of yourself."

"But how do I do it?! I don't know!!"

It was time to leave, so he was forced to hop into the minivan. I still have his box since my transfers aren't finished. But when I give it back, I know he'll never get to formatting anyways.

So to summarize, Alex:

-Looks for cheat codes before even playing the game.
-Cannot fix his own computer.
-Is unable to acknowledge the idea of reading the instructions, the manual, or seeking help files over the Internet.
-Always skips the dialogue, whether it's important or not, and then wonders why he's all lost.
-Is able to fuck up a computer so often that people around him have resigned to helping him out, knowing he'll just fuck up again in a matter of days.
-Click on EVERYTHING. He clicks on all the ads, installs all software whether he asked for them or not, and always gets fooled by the fake Windows message ads.

I told him if he ever came to my chat channel, I'd be able to fool him into deleting the entire contents of his hard drive. I'm waiting just for that, so that he can finally learn that he's gonna have to learn how to figure out stuff by himself.
 

RA64

Hoodrat
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#2
Sounds like you should get him some arcade style shoot-em up games.

As for the computer stuff, he's only 12? When I was 12, I didn't know what a hard drive was, had never been on the internet, and barely knew DOS, let alone windowz. Now I know HTML, C/C++, JAVA/JAVAscript, VBscript, ASP, PHP, SQL and by the way, I pretty much hate it.

Maybe he's just not into computers, and not into RPG games. Or maybe hes a spoiled little bastard. I don't know, can't tell from just that...
 

skylinec

Somewhere in the Between
3,192
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#3
a retard should know that he is sopposed to read the rpg dialoge.............and further more he's a dumass
 

Descent

Hella Constipated
7,686
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#5
Jeez...He sounds borderline retarded to me...

Does he hate reading? Most little kids hate reading...

Also, you REALLY are not doing your part in this. YOU need to educate the poor bastard so he won't need to fucking have his computer fixed all the time.

There is an easy way out...get him a Mac...He won't be able to fuck it up or anything, and it will allow him to use a computer better. That's all I have to say.

Is anyone else with me on this Mac idea?

You could always put a version of Linux on such as Lindows or Lycoris...Get him an easy to use distro, that way you won't need to reformat his machine every few days.

I would really recommend the Linux idea. Lycoris and Lindows (especially Lindows) are just as easy to use as XP, and won't get fucked up. You know, Lindows is so easy to use that Wal-Mart sells $300 Lindows PCs. Go out, spend $50 on the poor bastard, and regain all that lost time. Put on all the software he will ever need, such as GAIM (AIM/MSN/Yahoo/everything else IM client), Mozilla, and Evolution.

Ya know, I think I'm going to put Linux on right now...Just to fuck around with...:)
 

Shurikane

Raging Hermaphrodite
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#7
I ain't spendin' a cent on my nephew. :p Even his father gave up on him!
 

Cutter

College Punk
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#8
its like when a kid can't swim. you just throw is ass in a pool and tell him to start swimming. thats how i had to learn most of my shit. but i like to read so mabey i had a advantage over other people.

lol hes lookin at porn thats so funny, his balls have'nt even dropped hehehe. Sad thing is, he is the future.........
 

skylinec

Somewhere in the Between
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#9
Cutter said:
lol hes lookin at porn thats so funny, his balls have'nt even dropped hehehe. Sad thing is, he is the future.........
Teens Are The Future, Get Ready For The Apocalypse
 

BakEd13

4:20 Celebrater
213
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#10
he sounds alot like my little brother... cept my brother can run his computer.. and read dialogs... but my brother looks at porn and gets cheats before he plays the games... such lame ass shit...
 

Descent

Hella Constipated
7,686
109
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#11
Well, put Lycoris on. Lycoris is free. Get it from:

www.linuxiso.org

Burn it to a CD-R and watch in amazement as your nephew no longer has a PC that has been reamed by 200+ porn sites.

I betcha when he jacks off he just gets the feeling and no semen came out...That happened to me once when I was three. I kept humping my bed because it felt good and ended up orgasming...at the age of three.
 

undiehiker04

Future Conquistador
95
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#14
when he asks you how to beat the level or w/e tell him to go take the controller and jam it u his ass and have it come out his mouth then i will tell you now run along sweet little muchkin
 

Cutter

College Punk
150
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#15
very disturbing jstager, thanks to you have scar'd this entire forum with that post. In the Big Bookof Cutter, that is fucked up shit
 

Icarus

(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻
6,775
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#16
Cutter said:
its like when a kid can't swim. you just throw is ass in a pool and tell him to start swimming. thats how i had to learn most of my shit. but i like to read so mabey i had a advantage over other people.

lol hes lookin at porn thats so funny, his balls have'nt even dropped hehehe. Sad thing is, he is the future.........
That's how I learned to swim! My sister threw me in a pool, glad I didn't drown.

Shurikane, just... "fix" his computer with parental controls and the like. And change his homepage to that website with all those freakin' pop-ups... the "You are an idiot" one.

That's what you do with newbies. You own them. Its the way the internet works :thumbsup:
 

MrNewbie

Me Vs. WTF.com
1,669
55
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#17
wow... 12 and is looking after cheats

Shenuki or what ever your japanese name is, I dont fucking care about that hes a computer geek and still a noob
you seem like a big ass noob to me..

lmao hes a n00b?

what the hell, go get a life :mfinger:
 

The_DEAL

FAILING @FAILING!
2,301
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#19
jstager said:
Well, put Lycoris on. Lycoris is free. Get it from:

www.linuxiso.org

Burn it to a CD-R and watch in amazement as your nephew no longer has a PC that has been reamed by 200+ porn sites.

I betcha when he jacks off he just gets the feeling and no semen came out...That happened to me once when I was three. I kept humping my bed because it felt good and ended up orgasming...at the age of three.
thanks for the link man i was lookin for a copy of mandrake
 

skylinec

Somewhere in the Between
3,192
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#20
MrNewbie said:
wow... 12 and is looking after cheats

Shenuki or what ever your japanese name is, I dont fucking care about that hes a computer geek and still a noob
you seem like a big ass noob to me..

lmao hes a n00b?

what the hell, go get a life :mfinger:
how do you feel about always being a noob no matter what cause of your name