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My realtionship of 21 years is a...


WTF's Official Conspiracy Fanatic
I don't know what it is. This will be a long post, be warned. Also I will be sharing far too much, but unless you're e-stalking me, so be it.

I've loved my wife from the first time I saw her 21 years ago. She was a moody, pretty, girl with a fiery temper. She was with a slimeball who treated her like shit. He left, I entered, it was a touch and go relationship from the start, but once I got through the layers of cynicism I really enjoyed being with her. It was difficult to get her to relax and enjoy herself, even then. When we broke up for a time, she got back with slimeball, got pregnant, then he robbed her and abandoned her. I got back together with her after that, it was 1991, fresh out of the Army and a war. I accepted the responsibility of being a parent, and I have been ever since. My daughter has no idea her biological parent isn't me, and I don't feel bad about it. Her name has been changed to mine, so who cares anyhow. My wife slowly sank farther and farther into cynicism of a type so powerful, I was glad I was there to give her some support in her dark world.

Over the last few years I've noticed a change. Her parents, who she lived with for 23 years, and who had her in their late 30's were always more like grandparents, cranky cynical ones. They fought about everything, and since they were both disabled, they were always together, and blamed eachother for every fault in their lives, never taking any blame for their own actions.

My wife has become her parents. No matter what I do, I'm always wrong. More than the typical "man is always wrong" thing common between men and women. She is always depressed and angry, and she's sick most of the time because of it. I try every single day to brighten her mood, to ask her "What do you want to do?" Every day it's always "Nothing" or "I don't know." I have to drag her out to have fun, and it used to work, she would have fun in spite of herself.

She constantly belittles me and argues with me about anything and everything. I have, for some time now, just ignored a lot of the hateful things she said, convinced I'd eventually turn her around. She has no friends, and refuses to try. She has no interests, other than having me sit around with her doing nothing. She only seems happy when I'm miserable. WTF? All of my friends and even my daughter have commented on this, and I've always took my wifes side. "You don't understand!" I would say. I was wrong.

So here's the scenario in all it's fucked up glory.

My wife has been pushing for months for me to get a Saturday off, and I can't generally because it's my shift. So I felt a little ill, and I decided to surprise my wife. I came in last Friday and the boss saw that I was a bit sick, so she sent me home immediately. I didn't want to miss 2 days, because our finances suck, but it became a moot point because the boss just sent my away. So now I have 3 days off in a row... I'm overjoyed to be honest, and I make all kinds of plans for Saturday and Sunday with the family. Sick or no sick, I want to have some fun. For friday I decided since I was supposed to work anyhow I'd call up my buddy and maybe hang out for the afternoon, but not too late, so I can rest up and have some fun.

I call and tell her the good news, within SECONDS she's in tears about "How will we pay X bill now? We're gonna lose our house if we don't pay X bill! I can't believe you'd do this!" She exaggerating the shit out of the situation as usual. So I continue on and tell her my plans. "You want to hang out with X? Why you just saw him a few days ago?!?! You should go home if you're sick! Why would you do this!?!?!?!?!!" I'm just stunned. I've dealt with this for some time, but this was really irking me. I flat out tell her I'm going to go hang out for a few hours, don't worry I wont be home too late, and we'll have some fun, You'll see! I said.

I get home Friday before I would have even gotten off work. She starts in immediately with "Why are you waking me up? If you like him so much why don't you live with him? You don't spend any time with me!" I'm letting it roll off. I know for a fact I spend more time with her than everyone else combined, other than work. She's just exaggerating, I let it slide. I go to bed.

Saturday she starts in from the moment she wakes up and harps and harps and harps about anything, everything, outright lies. I'm sick of it. I told her "You know what, I'm going to treat you like you treat me for a little while and see how much you like it!" Not the best move, but it's been building for years. I proceed to tell her exactly how I feel about the way she acts, and she not only denies everything, but once again spins it all to be my fault, even shit that is impossible to be my fault. I explode in pent up anger and lash out verbally, I wanted to try and reach her! If nothing else would work, I thought I would try this because I'm at my wits end. I say NOTHING that isn't the truth. I tell her she needs to get some friends, she needs to get some hobbies, she needs to stop being so fucking depressing with every breath. I tell her she needs to come with me when I go out for a couple hours twice a week before work so she can rejoin the human race. I tell her she needs mental help because she truly is convinced of the outright lies that come out of her mouth. I tell her that sex isn't a chore if you love someone, you actually want to have sex and enjoy it. I tell her that her life isn't so "Gasp" hard. She only has to work 24 to 26 hours a week and has never worked more than that, and she also does laundry and stuff like that. All combined it doesn't equal even my 40 hours, plus I make very little mess it's her and my daugher that make all the dishes and laundry. I go out of my way to avoid making messes because of the exact reason that I knew you'd blame me for it and I prepared in advance. It went on for some time.

She begins with "Take your stuff and get out, I'll just kill myself, and you can go be with your friend because you like him more! Then everyone will be happy! You don't love me! you never loved me!" I'm so tired of this. So I tell her that she needs to fucking hear me!

"I Love You! I want to be with you! I want you to be happy! Why can't you be happy? Why must you blame me, the one person who would stick with you through all this shit, for all the problems? Do I not ask you all the time what you want? Do I not try to make you happy??!?!?!"

She responds with "No you don't, you hate me, everyone hates me, you try to avoid me all the time. You don't like anything I like. on and on and on..."

I realize she's delusional is a real and medical way. I'm fucked.

I get the keys to load up some trash on the truck, so I can just drive away for a second and clear my head, she gets in the way and is all "Where are you going?!?! Oh no you're not! You're going to leave me!!"

I cannot get her therapy, she would flip out and kill herself, seriously. I wont insitutionalize her, for the same reason. I am at fault for not seeing all the warning signs, and that is all I'm to blame for. I love her still, but she doesn't love me, she NEEDS me, not loves me. I don't know if she ever understood what actual love is, considering she had no role models, and I wasn't able to get through. I have tried anything and everything.

So now finally we come to the sad point. I'm a Loser. I'm the abused spouse who is going to stay even though they know it's the wrong thing. I will stay to try and reach her, which I KNOW is almost impossible without medical intervention. She'll probably kill herself as soon as my daughter moves out and gets a life away from the crazy woman, I think she's only avoided it because she felt obligated to raise her. She's always treated me like this, though it wasn't as bad at first, I just gradually built up a tolerance for it, and so here I am. Hindsight is 20/20 and all that shit.

Deep down I convinced myself that she loved me, and sometimes it seemed that way, for short times. Her whole idea of love IS this sick and twisted perspective. I guess the lesson is that if one of YOU feel your significant other is not right for you, even if you've been together a couple years, Get the Fuck out!! Don't let it go on for 21 plus years and feel this sick trapped feeling I do. I almost left several times when I was younger, but there was the daughter, so I stayed. Now I regret that very much. I thought I lived without regret for the most part, I was wrong. I got it in spades now.

If I leave she will absolutely kill herself, and maybe even my daughter. I would feel bad about that MORE than staying. So I'll just deal with her. I'll get my sex elsewhere, I'll have fun without her, and I'll stay and support her financially and spiritually, until Death do us Part.

This world is hell. You can find things to enjoy, but apparently, some people let this world drive them mad. I hope to reach her. Wish me luck.


Banned - What an Asshat!
i wish i could do more than just say you have my sympathy on this one, but that really is all i can do.. i've been with a few women this dysfunctional, one in particular.. there is nothing you can do to make things right, she wants to suffer, she doesn't realise that but she is wired that way..

i think the bottom line between you two is that she doesn't like herself and doesn't like you.. if she can change you'd be ok, but i wouldn't like to say how difficult that would be.

you might have to do a 180 in your life and move on.. very good luck to both of you.


Soul Doubt
That sucks man... Not too much I can say as I'm not even 21 years old ...

Try to make her happy without telling her "I'm trying to make you happy" ... Buy her flowers every monday or something, or depending on what time you get home offer to make a supper... Ask her to go to a marriage counsellor with you if you feel your marriage is at stake. Don't give up on her, though... I know you're an awesome person, and one that I'd personally enjoy to hang around...

How often do you, your wife and daughter go to the movies together, or do things together? Perhaps spending extra time with them could solve this... I mean - you can spend time away from friends and explain whats happening to them, and they'll support you. if your relationship is hitting the ground, I don't think they'll be offended because you went to spend time with your family...

Start talking to her about the future, since there IS a future, which I don't think she understands. Mid-life crisis perhaps?

I don't think I know enough about the situation... Just start talking to her about the past, and remind her that you "saved" her life from hitting the pavement when shit-for-brains left her with a kid... Don't say "Look what I did for you" but just say "I love you, and I love (daughter), and I don't think I'd want to see your lives any other way." and tell her how lucky she is... Don't get angry at her when she gets angry at you... Ask her to calm down and if she breaks out then tell her how you feel...

Again - I'm not in a position to be giving advice about this, but this is what I would do in your shoes...

meh_it_all Sexy Pimp-ette.
JLXC said:
This world is hell. You can find things to enjoy, but apparently, some people let this world drive them mad. I hope to reach her. Wish me luck.
This part stuck out most, because if you didn't say it, I would of.

Some people really cannot stand where their lives are, and cannot stand their excistence, and will never fully be happy.
I've seen this a lot.
You will always try and try harder, but the key is herself, if she doesn't want to be made happy, she won't try. Which really is the sad part.
I really wish things could be better for you JLXC, because you are a great guy, and I wish I could make them better, or you had someway to pull her out of this, and wake her up.

It's better you will able to tell her those things, because if it didn't come out now, it would of come out later.

I wish you the best of luck and the strength to try and help her.
Sounds like an even more extreme version of my ex-stepmother. I hate to say this, but you have to look out for yourself in this situation. You can't let her behaviours affect your sanity or your daughter's. Have you adopted the girl? If you have you might be able to divorce your wife and get full custody of your daugther due to your wife's psychosis. I hate to suggest divorce, but for your health and your daughter's if you can get custody of the girl do it. That kind of person is hopeless (and I'm not one to say this normally), and the best thing you can do right now is protect yourself and the young one.


I'm just really nice.
Boycott said:
Ask her to go to a marriage counsellor with you if you feel your marriage is at stake.
It'd probably be better for you to go by yourself and get a professional opinion first, IMO.
shes not going to kill herself. shes manipulating you, shes miserable for some reason and is only happy if you are too. i'm not saying that you should divorce her, but if you want her to hear you, appreciate you, then maybe leaving for a bit will open her eyes. your in a tough situation, i've been there, i kicked my ex out, to see if he could grow up, needless to say, he got laid the first weekend out. so i seen just how much i ment to him. i'm not saying she'd do this, i'm just saying that maybe for your own sanity, getting out for a bit might help you as well.
you deserve a metal if you've lived with that for 25 years and still loves her. i would have left long ago, my own self esteme and sanity is worth more.
i've been down the verbal abuse road, a bit physical too. its not woth it, you become so cold and low, takes forever to build yourself up again, and no one should be made to feel like their nothing.
you've done more for her then she can appreciate, all that you've done for your daughter alone is awesome. i have a close friend who has raised his son(who is not his blood son) and he once told me that any man can become a dad, but it takes a real man to be a father. from what i read, your a real man and you deserve happiness. if its with your wife, then maybe leaving for a bit will make her open her eyes as to what she gains to lose.
the threat to kill ones self is always manipulation, red flags go up around me and my advice is always the same. i always say walk, fuck em they don't own you, and they shouldn't have to threaten to kill themself in order to keep you, your not a possession. i always tell people to call the bluff and see what their spouce does, all the time nothing happens except the spouce calling a million times appologising and saying they didn't mean it. it a tough position your in, good luck with whatever you chose to do. just remember, you have to think of yourself as well, not her, you have to do whats best for you and your daughter in the end.
Okay, someone in here deleted my fucking post, I hate that shit.

Anyway, if you want my advice, get your daughter and get the hell out. Someone this miserable for such a prolonged period is not going to get better. If she threatens to kill herself...does it really matter? If anything, it's probably good that you know she can't be a part of your life again if she kills herself.

Remember, her being messed up is not your fault.
Her threatening to kill herself is not your fault.
If you tried to give advice and she turned it down, that is not your fault.
You have done all you can.
Get out now and don't look back.


Martha Fuckin' Stewart
This sort of situation is never going to end up well, and that is just a horrible thing. I agree with the general audience of this thread; take your daughter (good man with that one), and go away. It's not going to help your daughter to be apart of her mother's horrible depression. And, I am sure the court would have no problem awarding you custody due to her mental instability; and I imagine they would make her take therapy, among other things, in order to be able to see her daughter.

You should not be forced into anything that you don't want to be a part of. It's not fair to you.

I feel for you man, I know you are in between a rock and a hard place. I wish you the best of luck, and I hope you well in all of your decisions.


A few years ago, my parents were going throught the same phase after being married for 20 years. They broke up now but they do regret that decission and i pray to god that they come back. During this period, I observed that my mother would have extreme mood swings and my father would be quiet te whole time till that one point that he exploded. I think you said that you told her how you feel. try to get her interested in something. I got my mother interested in religion in a way that she never was before. Even if you can get her 1 interest, it can work mracles. The first year is going to be hard because its a bit forcefull.
After a year hoever, they both seemed pretty stable for another year. Finally, they (acually my mom) decided that they should get a divorce for the sanity of both of them. I strongly opposed this because i know that they love each other very much deep down. They are always asking me about each other.

Personally, I think your best bet is to get her a social life. Force her to go out with you and some friends. Go to see a sports game or something. Go to a bar, club anywhere thats really social. Try playing different genres of music at home(preferably something soothing, you dont want hyperactive death metal kinda music) it can cange the mood in ways that people cant do. Play some classical music, jazz, blues anythig you can think of thats soothing.

There is not much we can do as e-friends.
You have my sympathy. You are going through this as a husband. I went throught this as a son. The perspective is different but what worked for me might work for you.

lady victoria

Too old for this shit!
Dam im so sorry to hear that.

One or two things that have stood out for me; apparently things are getting worse, they are continuing to do so, you are already at breaking point and your continued presence in this relationship has not helped. She won’t go to therapy, she has no incentive to do so, she’s resisting change (why should anything change your still there putting up with it). Are you really being left with any other options here?

I don’t think personally that you are going to be able to stay. If you leave she may agree to therapy, if she is left with no say she’s threatening her life if she leaves...then you can get her commited. Either way she gets help.

Shitty choices I know. Staying is achieving nothing both for you and her.:(

I really hope it works out for you.


Worlds Smallest Giant
From what you've said, nothing that she is demonstrating is particularly unique, and I know you said you didn't think she'd go for the counselling side of things, but you could be surprised. At least check out the psyche options, they might be able to help. Very few people who say they will commit suicide actually mean it as anything other than an emotional bargaining ploy, so you might have nothing to fear on that score.

It sounds like, whatever you do, you're going to be in the wrong in her eyes so don't take it to heart. You have to look after yourself as well, and hopefully that will translate into helping her. There's an old adage that says "a good rescuer is a selfish rescuer."

Best of luck mate. Hope it works out to some degree.


From appaled to applauding, controversy.
Sorry to hear that.

This may sound pretty cold, but it's a possibility: Force her to talk, remove her exits, back her into a corner so she cannot walk away or keep her barriers of ignorance up. Keep at it, calmly and persistently until she breaks and starts to speak something close to the truth…you've been together for 21 years, there has to be some level you can both share on. Perhaps walking away isn't the best option, but then again, there comes a point when enough is enough.

This may sound even worse: Blackmail her into going to (marriage) counseling with you. Leave for a while if she doesn’t cooperate, but come back to re-offer the deal. –A low attack I know, but then again she has had a rough upbringing, she maybe able to understand this better.

You've been bullied for too long, it's about time you fought back.

But only you know whether anything is even worth considering...if she's been like this for this long, then you should be more concerned about whether she can change. If it turns out she can't, then she is a lost cause.

You have my best wishes. Good luck and chin up. You'll get through it one way or another, which way is up to the both of you.


WTF's Official Conspiracy Fanatic
Thanks guys and gals, it's been interesting.

Well.. I seem to have reached her on some level. We are not only on speaking terms, but she told me that she wants to work it out. We actually had fun on monday morning, even if it was only shopping. She held my hand, and smiled more than I've seen in a while. It may only be temporary, but I'll do whatever it takes to get this to work. I can only hope we both learned some important things and that she realizes that I'm not the one responsible for her misery. She was still angry in general, and bitched a lot about work, but hey... she's not focusing on me now. I only hope in a week, or a month, this still stays like this.

Thanks again for the support, and the ideas.
JLXC said:
Thanks guys and gals, it's been interesting.

Well.. I seem to have reached her on some level. We are not only on speaking terms, but she told me that she wants to work it out. We actually had fun on monday morning, even if it was only shopping. She held my hand, and smiled more than I've seen in a while. It may only be temporary, but I'll do whatever it takes to get this to work. I can only hope we both learned some important things and that she realizes that I'm not the one responsible for her misery. She was still angry in general, and bitched a lot about work, but hey... she's not focusing on me now. I only hope in a week, or a month, this still stays like this.

Thanks again for the support, and the ideas.
Hmm. . . has she been checked out for bipolar disorder or manic depression yet? Because that's what this is sounding suspiciously like. If she is one of those two then there's help other than leaving her. But, if she were to agree to get checked out, and she was honest, and she is diagnosed, then that brings another slew of problems. It sounds like she would probably deny that there is a problem, and then in turn she would refuse to take the medication they can prescribe for her. I've dated someone who is bipolar, and paranoia was a huge deal with him. If you said anything that did not agree with him suddenly you were an enemy. He was completely against society, any standards or rules set by society he was determined to be different. He was paranoid about his family and started telling lies, especially to me. What was really bad is that he actually believed his lies to be truths because that was all he could see. I don't know if this is really the root of the problem, but it sounds like there are a lot of similarities between your wife and my ex. You might want to get her to a doctor to find out.


WTF's Official Conspiracy Fanatic
tiger_86 said:
You might want to get her to a doctor to find out.
Yeppers, you have it. No doctors for the reasons you stated. I've thought of slipping her Zoloft once or twice heh. Of course I'm not perfect either, and doctors are not an option for me either, so I see her point on that one.
JLXC said:
Yeppers, you have it. No doctors for the reasons you stated. I've thought of slipping her Zoloft once or twice heh. Of course I'm not perfect either, and doctors are not an option for me either, so I see her point on that one.
If neither of you is willing to get her the help that will really help then it's either leave her or live with it even longer just for the moments when she's on an up swing. Sorry, this sort of situation has limited options on how to handle it. Bipolar is really hard to live with if there's no medication. I've heard of some cases where the spouse threatened to leave if the bipolar one didn't seek medical treatment and that made the sufferer do it, but I don't know how well that will work in your situation, especially since you're against doctors too. It's up to you what you do, but if you want life to be more bearable my suggestion would be to either convince her to see a doctor or leave her.


That's CPT. Forge to you!
I would ditch the bitch. Take her to court and get the kid. Then get the hell out. Tell the judge that she has a mental dysfunction. You don't have to put up with this shit. Just like call an ambulance or something and get her in a straightjacket


I am sexy...Oh yea...
#19 what other people have stated above, get some help. Your wife seems to be going though more problems than you think. She could be hiding something. Just calmly sit her down and talk with her. Those are my two cents.


Banned - What an Asshat!
Well.. If I were you, I would try to divorce her and get daughter with me.. Or else - I would go to a psychotherapist and ask him what to do in this stituation - he should know, he has to know..