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Nastiest Joke Ever...NO BS (sorry in advance)

LewdM@thew

Banned - What an Asshat!
241
1
0
#1
Yeah...*gags*...whoa, uhem. Ok, one of my friends came visiting from college the other day and he brought along one of the sickest, most disturbing jokes ive heard in a while...Shall we begin??

Ok, this guy works at a computer programming company where he makes a pretty good living. He has a house, a nice car, and a no-limit credit card. Despite his income, hes still a pretty economical kinda guy. He has a wife and children...the whole "brady bunch" situation basically, day in and day out. well one day, he decided to live a little and to do something spontaneously. On the way home from work one day, he drives to the local whore house and demands a hooker for a quicky.

Man "Hey there...uh.....id like to rent a whore?"
Lady "um...ok. What kind of price range are we talking about here"
man " Nothing too expensive...i want to make sure i get my money's worth"
Lady "alright then...(she checks the schedule book) all we have at this time is Cinnamon for $100 an hour, Brandy for $85 an hour, and Tammy for $40 and hour"
Man "Im not sure what the normal price of a whore is...but i guess ill have to go with Tammy. Is there any way we can reduce the price if i only need her for like 20 or 30 minutes?"
Lady "No."
Man "Oh...well...im kinda in a hurry too, im on my way home from work and my wife is gunna be wondering where im at. is there anyway i can get something for less because i wont be staying long?"
Lady "Well, jessica is about to leave because her shifts over, ill see if i can talk her into staying for an other 20 minutes"

The lady comes back and tells him that Jessica usually only gives blow jobs, but she'll give you a 20 min quicky for $20. The man agrees and goes to jessica's room. He finds a woman lying naked on the bed. "lets not waste any time" the man says...so they turn off the lights and he begins to bang this whore. He suddenly stops and turns on the light.

Man "Damn, your pussy is dry as fuck!! Im kinda in a hurry, can you ...i dunno...do something about it. Maybe get some lube or somethin?"
and the Whore says "Yeah, sure"

The whore goes into the bathroom for a few minutes then comes back out and turns off the light. He begins to bang her again. 20 minutes later he busts a nut and turns on the light.

Man "Whooooaaaaaaa, your pussy was extra EXTRA wet. What kind of lube did you use!? I might need to buy some for me and the wife back at home."
Whore "Oh......well i didnt have to use any lube actually, i just picked some of the scabs"


:sick:
 
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MsPunK

Tenderony
241
0
0
#2
i think you sed it all with your little smiley there mate :p
 

dustinzgirl

Banned - What an Asshat!
26,094
191
0
#3
eeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww gross
 

skylinec

Somewhere in the Between
3,192
0
36
#6
Holy hell! That was sick!
 

Descent

Hella Constipated
7,686
165
157
#7
HAHA! That was fucking great.

Repped.
 

Janglenut

Particinator
863
0
0
#8
I heard that joke numerous times, and I've heard just about every joke in the book; you're not going to found a joke worse than that.
 

EMTPIXIE

Clitpickle
69
0
0
#10
LewdM@thew said:
Yeah...*gags*...whoa, uhem. Ok, one of my friends came visiting from college the other day and he brought along one of the sickest, most disturbing jokes ive heard in a while...Shall we begin??

Ok, this guy works at a computer programming company where he makes a pretty good living. He has a house, a nice car, and a no-limit credit card. Despite his income, hes still a pretty economical kinda guy. He has a wife and children...the whole "brady bunch" situation basically, day in and day out. well one day, he decided to live a little and to do something spontaneously. On the way home from work one day, he drives to the local whore house and demands a hooker for a quicky.

Man "Hey there...uh.....id like to rent a whore?"
Lady "um...ok. What kind of price range are we talking about here"
man " Nothing too expensive...i want to make sure i get my money's worth"
Lady "alright then...(she checks the schedule book) all we have at this time is Cinnamon for $100 an hour, Brandy for $85 an hour, and Tammy for $40 and hour"
Man "Im not sure what the normal price of a whore is...but i guess ill have to go with Tammy. Is there any way we can reduce the price if i only need her for like 20 or 30 minutes?"
Lady "No."
Man "Oh...well...im kinda in a hurry too, im on my way home from work and my wife is gunna be wondering where im at. is there anyway i can get something for less because i wont be staying long?"
Lady "Well, jessica is about to leave because her shifts over, ill see if i can talk her into staying for an other 20 minutes"

The lady comes back and tells him that Jessica usually only gives blow jobs, but she'll give you a 20 min quicky for $20. The man agrees and goes to jessica's room. He finds a woman lying naked on the bed. "lets not waste any time" the man says...so they turn off the lights and he begins to bang this whore. He suddenly stops and turns on the light.

Man "Damn, your pussy is dry as fuck!! Im kinda in a hurry, can you ...i dunno...do something about it. Maybe get some lube or somethin?"
and the Whore says "Yeah, sure"

The whore goes into the bathroom for a few minutes then comes back out and turns off the light. He begins to bang her again. 20 minutes later he busts a nut and turns on the light.

Man "Whooooaaaaaaa, your pussy was extra EXTRA wet. What kind of lube did you use!? I might need to buy some for me and the wife back at home."
Whore "Oh......well i didnt have to use any lube actually, i just picked some of the scabs"


:sick:
AAAAWWWWWW!UUUUUGGGGGHHHHH! That was fucking disgusting! But I guess you get what you pay for!
 
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BrIONwoshMunky

EVERYBODY LOVE EVERYBODY!
Staff
9,736
4,276
387
#11
There was this white collar desk jockey. It was his anniversary, 15 years. He was looking forward to a night out on the town with his wife when his boss enters his cubicle and tells the man that a big project is behind schedule and he has to stay late until it's done.

The guy get's pissed off. But seeing as it's either his job or his wife, he calls home and tells his wife that he has to stay late at work to finish a project.

She gets all pissed off and tells him that she'll just probably go to bed then.

The guy knowing that his wife will be eternally pissed unless he comes up with something good, thinks about his situation, and comes up with the answer.

He'll go home, sneak into the house, sneak into the bedroom and proceed to sneak under the covers and then start eating out his wife's snatch, it's her favorite thing in the whole bedroom scene.

"Well, that's what I'm gonna do," he tells himself.

He gets done with his project at about 10p.m. and goes home, sneaks in, sneaks into the bedroom, and sneaks under the covers. He starts going to town. She starts moaning and groaning.
After a bit, he thinks to himself, "HOLY FUCK, this tastes awful, I need to do this more often to keep it clean. But Oh, well, it's our anniversary and she deserves it." So he keeps going, and about 15 minutes into it he can't take anymore, crawls out from under the covers and bolts towards the master-bath.

He flings the door open, turns on the light, and screams, "HOLY SHIT."

His wife, who's sitting on the toilet, says, "SHHHHHH, your mom's spending the night."



:sick:
 
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EMTPIXIE

Clitpickle
69
0
0
#14
brainwashmonkey said:
There was this white collar desk jockey. It was his anniversary, 15 years. He was looking forward to a night out on the town with his wife when his boss enters his cubicle and tells the man that a big project is behind schedule and he has to stay late until it's done.

The guy get's pissed off. But seeing as it's either his job or his wife, he calls home and tells his wife that he has to stay late at work to finish a project.

She gets all pissed off and tells him that she'll just probably go to bed then.

The guy knowing that his wife will be eternally pissed unless he comes up with something good, thinks about his situation, and comes up with the answer.

He'll go home, sneak into the house, sneak into the bedroom and proceed to sneak under the covers and then start eating out his wife's snatch, it's her favorite thing in the whole bedroom scene.

"Well, that's what I'm gonna do," he tells himself.

He gets done with his project at about 10p.m. and goes home, sneaks in, sneaks into the bedroom, and sneaks under the covers. He starts going to town. She starts moaning and groaning.
After a bit, he thinks to himself, "HOLY FUCK, this tastes awful, I need to do this more often to keep it clean. But Oh, well, it's our anniversary and she deserves it." So he keeps going, and about 15 minutes into it he can't take anymore, crawls out from under the covers and bolts towards the master-bath.

He flings the door open, turns on the light, and screams, "HOLY SHIT."

His wife, who's sitting on the toilet, says, "SHHHHHH, your mom's spending the night."



:sick:
Is there enough toothpaste and mouthwash in the world for that?!?! UUUGGGHHH!!!! Not to mention a REALLY good shrink!
 
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LewdM@thew

Banned - What an Asshat!
241
1
0
#16
Nastiest Joke Ever: Part 2

Ok, if you havent read the first part, do so just to get a good feel for what just happend.

Ok

After finding out what had just happened, he jumps up...slaps the bitch and runs for door. There he pukes his lungs out for a good 20 minutes...then he goes home to his wife. After going to bed that night, he cant sleep. Hes tossing and turning all night while his wife has a nice deep sleep, or so he thinks... As it turns out, the husband eventually fell asleep, but had a nightmare about the scabby hoe. In this nightmare, he began talking in his sleep, cursing out that nastyass hoe for pullin that kinda shit. His wife, being disturbed by the constant tossing an turning, over hears the husband and gets PISSED THE FUCK OFF. In the middle of the night, she packs up her stuff, garbs the children and leaves town.

The husband wakes up the next morning to find the house empty of the wife, the kids, and most of the valuables. He finds a note written by his wife Scolding him for being such a DVS back-stabbing pervert. He then realizes that she must have found out some how. "i have nothing to live for" he tells himself...and he grabs his gun. Because his wife had never sucke his dick, he decides that before he dies, he wants to get the best blow job in town. After going to the bank and withdrawling all of his money...he then goes to the best whore house in the state and demands that he gets the ultimate blow job.

Man "Money is not object to me" he says "give me your best whore you got, and ill pay $5000 so long as its the best blow job in the world!"
Mistress "Your in luck my friend, it just so happens that our TOP escourt has arrived from Paris earlier today"
Man "Is this escourt a lady? "
Mistress "excuse me?!?"
Man " I just went through hell with a whore the other day and i dont want any fuckin suprises!!"
Mistress "Yes, its a lady, born a lady...a super model to be exact, sir. And just to let you know, shes internationally know for giving the best head money can buy"
Man "The best head mony can buy, huh?"
Mistress "yes sir, and her trademark is simply mind blowing...not only does she give the best head, she can sing opera at the same time."
Man "Holy Hell, ILL TAKE HER!!"

The mistress then leads the man to the suite, only to be greeted by the sexiest fuckin woman hes ever seen in his life. "At least ill die a happy man" he comments to himself as this beauty pulls him into the room and hits the lights. She starts giving him head, and its heavly...so good he wants to cry. And then, she begins to sing...and her voice is just as good as the blow job. He sheds a single tear. In the middle of the job, he interrupts her.

Man "I just cant believe it!! I mean...i expected either good head and crappy singing...or good singing and crappy head...but you could be a famous singer, No Joke!! How in the hell do you do it???????"
Lady "its my little secret, big boy"

She continues to give him head and sing...but the man is curious now. He reaches for the light switch to try to catch a glimpse of how shes does it, but in the process, he knocks something off of the night stand and it shatters when it hits the floor. The hooker stops giving him head, and puches him right in the balls. The man falls to the floor.

Man "uuuggghhhhh.....ugh....what the fuck...was that for you stupid bitch!!!

She stands up, turns on the light, and with one eye closed, says:

Lady "you broke my last glass eyeball, asshole."

:banana:​

true story.
 
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#18
...

my virgin ears ... well i guess it would be my virgin eyes or brain is forever tainted....
 

Tagmatic

Banned - What an Asshat!
42
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#20
That joke is fucked up... that is some sick shit ...holy hell that wasnt just gross it was raunchy and disgusting As hell