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Need your guys's opinion.

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#1
Okay, so I've posted the beginning to a new story of mine "The Last Hunter." However, I've come up with another idea for the beginning, and I need you guys to tell me which beginning you like better. Here goes.

Since the beginning of time there has been a Hunter and the hunted, vampires. Vampires, children of the serpent, have walked the Earth intent only on killing God's children. God cursed these vampires to live for eternity in the darkness, never to see the sun again. He also cursed them with the desire for human blood so that they would be feared and loathed by all of mankind. From the day of their cursing they have in turn cursed God, swearing to destroy all of His children.

To Eve God gave the blessing of another child. He instructed her to name the child Kynigos, or Hunter. This child was created for the sole purpose of protecting the world and killing the vampires before they could keep their promise. One child of each generation spawned from Kynigos would have his superior strength and speed to carry out his duties after he could no longer do so himself. God blessed Kynigos and his future generations with slightly longer lifespans than normal humans and the ability to heal quickly.

The boy Kynigos grew and assumed his duties as a fighter against the evil race of the serpent. He married and had many children. Even though only one child inherited his abilities, he trained each of his children to fight, so that they too could fight for God and the safety of mankind. Each child grew and passed on their training to their children. So the duties passed from generation to generation.

Now, there is Brook. She is the last of Kynigos's line. All of her family has passed either of old age or in battle. She stands alone against the vampires who have grown in numbers despite her family's efforts. The vampire Constantine knows she is all that is left to stand in his way and has put all of his forces up to the task of killing her. So far, she has held her own and managed to keep the armies of darkness at bay. Now, in this final war, for Brook, it is either find a way to destroy all of the vampires and save the world for all future generations, or be destroyed herself. . .
 

DIZNUTS

Ñúñ'§ þêG £ègGéÐ /\/\å±ëý
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#2
hmm this would be a good intro and then you go to the other "battle scene" and start of from there :thumbsup:
 
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#3
That's an interesting idea, Diz. I'll have to consider that. Repped.
 

DIZNUTS

Ñúñ'§ þêG £ègGéÐ /\/\å±ëý
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#4
tiger_86 said:
That's an interesting idea, Diz. I'll have to consider that. Repped.
aww thanks....now where is my hug?
 

DIZNUTS

Ñúñ'§ þêG £ègGéÐ /\/\å±ëý
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#6
tiger_86 said:
*E-hugs Diznuts* Better?
yes :D but why did you grab my ass? HOLD UP its was YOU!!! YOU GRABBED MY ASS AND GAVE ME THE REACH AROUND.....it wasn't Havok! Why would have take the fall for you?
 
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#7
DIZNUTS said:
yes :D but why did you grab my ass? HOLD UP its was YOU!!! YOU GRABBED MY ASS AND GAVE ME THE REACH AROUND.....it wasn't Havok! Why would have take the fall for you?

It's always Havok doing something crazy. :thumbsup:
 
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#8
You have no proof. But I know the real culprit.
 

DIZNUTS

Ñúñ'§ þêG £ègGéÐ /\/\å±ëý
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#9
tiger_86 said:
You have no proof. But I know the real culprit.
it has to be you.....no one can grab my ass like you......i asked everyone to do it.....members, teachers, school boys, police officers(they gave me funny looks) this big black guy at the jail cell did it though...but it wasn't as gentle as you....
 
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#10
DIZNUTS said:
it has to be you.....no one can grab my ass like you......i asked everyone to do it.....members, teachers, school boys, police officers(they gave me funny looks) this big black guy at the jail cell did it though...but it wasn't as gentle as you....
Sorry, Diz, it wasn't me. I know who it was, but I'll never tell.
 

rockmaiden04

From the Eastside
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#11
tiger_86 said:
Okay, so I've posted the beginning to a new story of mine "The Last Hunter." However, I've come up with another idea for the beginning, and I need you guys to tell me which beginning you like better. Here goes.

Since the beginning of time there has been a Hunter and the hunted, vampires. Vampires, children of the serpent, have walked the Earth intent only on killing God's children. God cursed these vampires to live for eternity in the darkness, never to see the sun again. He also cursed them with the desire for human blood so that they would be feared and loathed by all of mankind. From the day of their cursing they have in turn cursed God, swearing to destroy all of His children.

To Eve God gave the blessing of another child. He instructed her to name the child Kynigos, or Hunter. This child was created for the sole purpose of protecting the world and killing the vampires before they could keep their promise. One child of each generation spawned from Kynigos would have his superior strength and speed to carry out his duties after he could no longer do so himself. God blessed Kynigos and his future generations with slightly longer lifespans than normal humans and the ability to heal quickly.

The boy Kynigos grew and assumed his duties as a fighter against the evil race of the serpent. He married and had many children. Even though only one child inherited his abilities, he trained each of his children to fight, so that they too could fight for God and the safety of mankind. Each child grew and passed on their training to their children. So the duties passed from generation to generation.

Now, there is Brook. She is the last of Kynigos's line. All of her family has passed either of old age or in battle. She stands alone against the vampires who have grown in numbers despite her family's efforts. The vampire Constantine knows she is all that is left to stand in his way and has put all of his forces up to the task of killing her. So far, she has held her own and managed to keep the armies of darkness at bay. Now, in this final war, for Brook, it is either find a way to destroy all of the vampires and save the world for all future generations, or be destroyed herself. . .
Nice job Tiger. :) Do you think maybe you could add some more character description? I want to know the physical characteristics of Brook, the vampires, and any others you decide to include. Also, I think instead of saying "killing her" you should use more powerful words. Emphasize the brutality that can happen if Brook does not defeat the "serpent's children."
 
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#12
rockmaiden04 said:
Nice job Tiger. :) Do you think maybe you could add some more character description? I want to know the physical characteristics of Brook, the vampires, and any others you decide to include. Also, I think instead of saying "killing her" you should use more powerful words. Emphasize the brutality that can happen if Brook does not defeat the "serpent's children."
Thanks for the input, maiden. I didn't want to put any of the description in this because it is, after all, just the intro. I will have to get ahold of a thesaraus just for you. ;)