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Of Hell and Heaven

ReiMeishin

Dreaming to live
585
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#1
The Angel

“The angel watches over us. Though we go through war, disease and drought, he watches and keeps us safe. Encased in stone, the angel prays for our protection and prosperity.”
There’s old Chamir, telling the story to the children as was customary for our elders to tell on the first day of silent star, our new year.
“But when did the angel come here?” asked one of the children.
“No one knows,” Chamir replied, “The angel has been here longer then our city. When our ancestors roamed around the plains, following the herds they hunted, they found a place where life flourished unlike anything they had ever seen. Trees grew tall, taller than the very castle.”
He pointed to the monolith that is the stronghold of our city-state. He paused, as the youngsters sighed in awe.
“Flowers of amazing color and beauty bloomed all around. Our ancestors were amazed by the beauty, so they pressed on, deeper into the haven they had found. Finally, they spotted the grove of trees, which still stands in the middle of our city today.”
“The cherry trees!” Shouted one of the little ones.
“Right you are, my child, the cherry trees. Our ancestors gazed upon the cherry blossoms that bloomed as lovely then as they do today. Walking through the immense beauty around them,”
He paused for drama. The old man still made the story worth hearing, he’s even better now than he was when he told the story to me.
“They found him!”
“The angel!”, the children cried with joy.
“Exactly! They saw him just like we see him today, praying for us. They knew they found where they belonged.”
“And they built this city?” one of the boys asked.
“Yes they did, but it wasn’t as simple as that, child.. At first all the buildings were just simple houses of wood, and all of the people were farmers. But slowly, as time passed, we grew smarter and more advanced. We started making roads, and crafting with stone. Later we discovered concrete and made our canals and wells and sewers. Now we have become greater then we ever were before. Our armies have canons and use swords and weapons of steel, we have warm and safe houses, and our navy has learned to sail to places that we never even knew existed.”
The children were all silent, thinking about the wonders of our city, just like I did so long ago.
“The angel has helped us through all of this. He still watches over us and helps us, and reminds us that God loves us.”
There was a silence as the children pondered the lesson of the story. One of the girls broke the silence. She spoke timidly.
“Sage Chamir...?”
“Yes, my daughter?”
“Why did God send an angel to earth?”
I was a little stunned by the question, I never heard that asked before. But as sure as ever Chamir chuckled and replied her.
“My dear child, have you not heard me? God loves every one of us here and wants us to be happy. I can’t speak for God, but I believe that he sent the angel here and led our ancestors to him so that we could all be protected and helped by him.”
The girl blushed and put her head down. But then, a boy brought up a more puzzling question.
“Chamir, why would God seal the angel in stone?”
I stood astounded for a moment. The question that had echoed in my mind for so long was now asked of the old Sage.
“Well, um, my child, the truth is I do not know. Perhaps the angels can not wander freely on earth as they can in heaven.”
“Chamir, what do the symbols in front of the angel mean?”
Now the old man smiled as he knew how to answer this.
“My dear children, there are many mysteries that still remain to even the wisest of us. These are what you have to think about, and, if you’re lucky, you’ll see them solved one day, or maybe even solve them yourselves.”
Satisfied, the children smiled.
“That’s all of the story I have for you tonight, my children. Go on to your homes now, and happy new year!”
“Happy new year, sage Chamir!” The children said as they walked down the path away from the park.
“Well done, you old windbag.” I said to Chamir, “You tell the story even better now than you did back when I was an ankle biter.”
“Josian, you still haven’t learned to respect your elders. Good, I’m glad.” He smiled.
“You know, Chamir, maybe you should have told those kids the conclusion that we both came to about that angel coming to earth.”
Chamir became grim. “Hush, Jo. They need to come to their own conclusions about these things. Besides, wouldn’t it scare you if I told you back then that the angel protecting us was banished from heaven?”
“Perhaps, but it might have me see the world in a more realistic light.”
“Still, we could be wrong, Jo.”
“I doubt it, C. I really doubt it.”

Here's what I got so far on the whole Angels and Demons thing.
 

_Kitana_

Angel of Death
4,674
16
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#3
NICE... I like the base of it. Good opening for a story.


Needs a little rework
 
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#4
it's good i really dont know what else to say about it... it's good, can't wait to see what comes next
 

blah

Tenderony
432
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#5
I personally see no need for "rework"
Nice one Rei!
 

_Kitana_

Angel of Death
4,674
16
0
#6
blah said:
I personally see no need for "rework"
Nice one Rei!

First off all Some of his word choices are a little poor and over used. The dialog is good, however he starts in story teller mode, then switches to first person view.

Some things like "he pauses for a dram". Could be better written. You shouldn't have to tell you reader that this is dramatic, the should feel it. Your chars should express that clearly. He needs a base to build off. He might want to try and describe what its like around theme where they are at and then enter the dialog.

like i said it needs to be reworked a bit.
 

blah

Tenderony
432
0
0
#7
I love the simplicity, everybody and their dog ramble on in too much detail. It's one of those things both good and bad writers use to look better then they really are. I can write a story about something really boring and use lots of detail and make people think it's beautifull, until they read it twice and really understand what I'm talking about...
And "He paused for drama" is a good line to use, sometimes it's better to state the obvious to keep the story flowing nicely.

I hadn't noticed the shift from storyteller to 1st person...I still don't.
 

_Kitana_

Angel of Death
4,674
16
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#8
blah said:
I love the simplicity, everybody and their dog ramble on in too much detail. It's one of those things both good and bad writers use to look better then they really are. I can write a story about something really boring and use lots of detail and make people think it's beautifull, until they read it twice and really understand what I'm talking about...
And "He paused for drama" is a good line to use, sometimes it's better to state the obvious to keep the story flowing nicely.

I hadn't noticed the shift from storyteller to 1st person...I still don't.

Wouldn't a line like.
The Children waited with Wide eyes. Describe the drama. :)

Reread it.

You will notice the shift. I am not telling him to toss in every ounce of detail. I am telling him to give the story a setting.

I sugested he write it up in Script formate. Like a play.
 

ReiMeishin

Dreaming to live
585
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#9
Sorry. I did not do well in my composition classes :p . Its so hard to try to get people to "feel" a story. Right now what I try to do is act the scene in my mind and be the historian. Just sometimes from a character's point of view... shut up. The real problem is that I love comming up with concepts but I hate fleshing them out to make them coherent. That said, it will probobly be a while until the next part comes out. I'm also using the RPG maker that I pirated to see how it would look as a game. Thank you for the kind words. Oh, and if anyone feels like saying "that's a piece of shit" don't be afraid to.
 

_Kitana_

Angel of Death
4,674
16
0
#10
ReiMeishin said:
Sorry. I did not do well in my composition classes :p . Its so hard to try to get people to "feel" a story. Right now what I try to do is act the scene in my mind and be the historian. Just sometimes from a character's point of view... shut up. The real problem is that I love comming up with concepts but I hate fleshing them out to make them coherent. That said, it will probobly be a while until the next part comes out. I'm also using the RPG maker that I pirated to see how it would look as a game. Thank you for the kind words. Oh, and if anyone feels like saying "that's a piece of shit" don't be afraid to.
Its not. PM me with some ideas on how you would like the setting to look and stuff, with how you want to see it. Maybe I can help you take that in put it into words and help you write it up in a script formate. It would be really easy to build off of that for a game.....

if you would like some help
 

ReiMeishin

Dreaming to live
585
0
0
#11
UPDATE

Using the RPG maker system is helping to show how this is going to look. Having trouble generating the in-game cinimatics that I need to make this all work. However, it is showing me that transitions from one scene to the next are much easier in a game since all you have to do is move the main character somewhere else. Winter break won't be too long, and I'll have a lot of time to work on things like this. Next part of the story (in script/stage direction format) should come before the middle of December.
 

blah

Tenderony
432
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#12
Can you explain what this is for again ? I don't get all the RPG maker/script stuff...
 

_Kitana_

Angel of Death
4,674
16
0
#13
blah said:
Can you explain what this is for again ? I don't get all the RPG maker/script stuff...

This is a story line for a video game he is working on.
 

blah

Tenderony
432
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#14
Hehe! really ?
Now im curious, any details/pics on the game ? :)