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Live2Die

Story of the year
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#1
Ok, so has anyone heard any good jokes lately? Ill start it off with a few that made me laugh. Then you guys can add on ur own pesonal favorites.:rofl:

This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck", he says, "I really want a drink." When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?" The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink". The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really Satisfies.' The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?" The man looks back and says with a smile, "Timex." The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!" A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?" The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "Ford, because Quality is Job 1." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?" Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is Secret. Now give me my beer." The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look he asks, "Why Secret?" The customer says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"

If Your Dog's Name Was...
Mypenis...Look at what would happen...

Mypenis ate my homework.
Oh, no! Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!
Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis.
I'm sorry, Officer. I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.
Mypenis doesn't come when I call it.
Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.
I love giving Mypenis a bath.
At night, I sleep with Mypenis in my hands.
Mypenis likes it when people pet him.
Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds!me
Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.
Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?
Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.
I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.
I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.
Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.
I think Mypenis is getting old because he won't get excited anymore. He just plays dead.
Mypenis got out last night. I think he's sleeping with the lady next door.
If Mypenis was a weinerdog, he would be long and hairy and hard to carry.
Mypenis loves to chase pussies in dark alleys.
Help! I can't find Mypenis!
Sorry to be driving so slow, officer, but I was looking for Mypenis.
Mypenis gets excited whenever the mailman comes.
Sorry to be driving so fast, officer - I have to take Mypenis to the hospital.
Oh. no! Something bit Mypenis!
 

gehtfuct

HuGE
Staff
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742
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#2
I'm sure it wont be long before this thread is cooked by the big bad Mods,because of the ten other joke threads....anyhoo..
I've posted this joke at another site. Only the coolest of cool know the site I'm refering to. [hint] (Broken,Max,and Deus-in their Sigs) Geht there.

Cold Duck:

A hunter is packing up his gear after a very good day of duck hunting,when a Game Warden comes up from behind him and says:"My,looks like you've done well today." " why,yes I have."Replies the hunter.
"Um..Do you have your Arkansas hunting liscense on you?" Asks the Warden.
"Yes I do." The Warden looks it over and says: "Very good,how do we know these are Arkansas ducks?"
The Hunter looks at the Warden very confused.
The Warden then,picks up a duck and shoves his finger in the ducks ass,then he tastes his finger,replying:
"Yep,this is an Ohio duck."
The hunter quickly whips out an Ohio hunting liscense.
"Hmm..." The Warden thinks,as he picks up another duck,fingering its ass.
Tasting finger: "Uh-huh,this is an Kentucky duck."
The hunter without hesitation,whips out an Kentucky liscense.
"WTF!? Just where are you from?" Replied the Warden.
The hunter grabs his own ass with both hands and exclaims to the Warden.
"Why dont you check for youself,motherfucker?!"
_________________
 

Live2Die

Story of the year
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0
#3
thought more poeple liked to tell jokes. here is another great one...

One day a man in the navy recieves a phone call he has to go on a mission for 6 months and he has to leave in three days. The man goes home to his recently married wife and tells her the news. She looks upset. He then begins to worry about her, thinking she may begin to cheat on him. So he decides to got to an adult store and but her something to keep her busy on the lonely nights. The clerk shows him everything but he wasnt satisfied. So the cleck pulls out a box from the back counter. The clerck says he cant sell the man whats in the box, he has to give it away to him and he must never bring it back. The man agrees and asks what it is. The clerk opens the box and says "Voodoo dick keyhole!" and the dick lifts out of the box and begins to pound the key hole. the man was amazed, perfect he says and grabs the box and runs home.

On the last day before he leaves he gives his wife the gift. He shows her how to use it and then how to get back in the box. After 3 months go by she decides to try it. She has three orgasms in a row! then she decided to stop but she forgot how to make it stop. So she try everything "stop. No.Finish Over." but not "voodoo dick box." so she starts driving to the hospital with the thing still goin, she has 2 more ogasms on the way there.
All of a sudden she see's a cop. He pulls her over and asks her why she is speeding. he tells her he wouldnt believer her. But the cop says tryme, and she tells him the whole story. Then he says "VOODOO DICK MY ASS!"
 

FUCKORBEFUCKED

Pissed off since birth
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#4
Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when He decided
that He really needed a new robe. After looking around
for a while, He saw a sign for Finkelstein, the tailor.

So, He went in and made the necessary arrangements to
have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for him. A few days
later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on and
it was a perfect fit! He asked how much He owed but
Finkelstein brushed him off: "No, no, no, for the Son
of God? There's no charge! However, may I ask for a
small favor? Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you
could just mention that your nice new robe was made by
Finkelstein, the Tailor."

Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues
of his Finkelstein robe whenever He spoke to the masses.

A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through
Jerusalem, He happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop
and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's
robes. He pushed his way through the crowd to speak
to him and as soon as Finkelstein spotted Him he said:
"Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business!
Would you consider a partnership?"

"Certainly," replied Jesus. "Jesus & Finkelstein it is."

"Oh, no, no," said Finkelstein. "Finkelstein & Jesus. After
all, I am the craftsman."

The two of them debated this for some time. Their discussion
was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful and they finally
came up with a mutually acceptable compromise.

A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop.
Can you guess what it read??



LORD & TAYLOR
 

Signify

Particinator
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#5
wow, look at the time of live2die's posts, isn't that great? anyway.....

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his
grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in
bed." The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and
went out to play.

Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where's
Mom and Dad?" and she replied "they're still up in bed." Again
the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went
out to play.

Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked
his grandma "where's Mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied
"they're still up in bed." The little boy started to laugh
and his grandmother asked, "what gives? Every time I tell you
they're still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on
here?"

The little boy replied, "well last night daddy came into my
bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."