Black Flame

Mayhem on the Loose
kay, i just wrote this now. it's one out of 3 books full of fucking poetry or lyrics or what have you. so.. i decided to delight you folks with my horrid pasttime.

Rope and chain me down
Dig my hollow grave
Leave me there to drown
There's no life to save
I swallow the prickled air
And trembling, I stare
UP from my hollow hell
Up at the air, at the world where i fell.

The flesh has torn away
A mangled body lays
Staring into depths of hollow
Every beautiful one shall follow
Leaving the world, a hideous place.

There's a twitch, a gasp
The branch stretches out to grasp
There's a jerk, a scream
The eyes that no longer dream
They dart and strain
Though there's no longer pain
The ropes tug and pull
The chains leap to cull.

There's a claw and a scratch
Desperate to detach
The dirt loosens and stirrs
Still nothing occurs
A gag and a wretch
Though there's no longer stench
A tear and a pull
This hollow grave remains full.

so there you have it. any questions? comments? criticism? go right ahead and post it... not like i could stop you anyway.


Banned - What an Asshat!
a little hard to focus, but very dramatic. I dont really like it as something I would read, becuase it is too chaotic and surreal. Good form and imagery


Angel of Death
Its a poem ment to be read out loud.

You can really feel the emotional pain, the dramatic steps...



Critical Update Notification Tool.
dustinzgirl said:
a little hard to focus, but very dramatic. I dont really like it as something I would read, becuase it is too chaotic and surreal. Good form and imagery
i agree with you.


Drummer Pride!!!
No offence but its kind of, i dont know, lame or more tryhard. Great use of language, ill give u that but it's just stating the same thing from different points but the same author. A bit of creative critisism would be 4 the poem to branch of in different areas of whats being discussed if the length is going to be that apon which it is.


no piggy no!!!
Don't change it, it's great and poetry is all your own. I'd like to know what was behind it really, i mean what made you feel this kind of pain or, are you just describing a scene that was in ur head? it isn't really for me to know but yeah, i love poems that rhyme when the author does it well. :thumbsup:

Black Flame

Mayhem on the Loose
no offense taken. what good is an artist (good or bad) if they can't take critisicm?
i can understand why it seems chaotic, for one thing i had just written it, and for another thing, i tend to be a chaotic thinker, though it seems organized and makes sense to me, it really depends on how you see it.
it's just basically a song about feeling left behind and forgotten in a place i don't want to be, but i have no choice, and i can't escape. i don't mind telling the direct inspiration for it if you really want to hear it, i really have nothing to hide. well, i won't go into fullout details, because i know i would and i would end up rambling about shit you don't care about. the guy i've fallen in love with has moved to arizona. when i wrote this, i felt like anything that ever made me happy was taken away. a lot of those things left me and forgot about me, fortunately he is still just as in love with me as i am with him, but i can't help but feel forgotten, whether it be by him or fate or god or whatever. hence the being tossed into a hollow grave and being forgotten.
i live in the most uneventful town around here, and i can't go anywhere interesting without a car. the town has a greyhound bus service, but it's for toronto (rather far from here), and it's expensive (for me). hence the being chained down. so there's nothing for me to do, i don't feel like i'm really growing or expanding my mind in this dull area, hence the rotting. i do what i can to escape, but it's usually on a limited time like a night on weekends. so i do have fun every now and then, but of course i always end up back here, hence the struggling and pulling of the chains, but remaining in the grave.
i don't know how well that explains it, it's the best i could do. maybe it helps to get a feel for the flow, but perhaps i do need to expand a bit. anything more you want to suggest or nag me about, go right ahead. i could use some inspiration and/or ideas.