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Pull

Black Flame

Mayhem on the Loose
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#1
kay, i just wrote this now. it's one out of 3 books full of fucking poetry or lyrics or what have you. so.. i decided to delight you folks with my horrid pasttime.

Rope and chain me down
Dig my hollow grave
Leave me there to drown
There's no life to save
I swallow the prickled air
And trembling, I stare
UP from my hollow hell
Up at the air, at the world where i fell.

The flesh has torn away
A mangled body lays
Staring into depths of hollow
Every beautiful one shall follow
Leaving the world, a hideous place.

There's a twitch, a gasp
The branch stretches out to grasp
There's a jerk, a scream
The eyes that no longer dream
They dart and strain
Though there's no longer pain
The ropes tug and pull
The chains leap to cull.

There's a claw and a scratch
Desperate to detach
The dirt loosens and stirrs
Still nothing occurs
A gag and a wretch
Though there's no longer stench
A tear and a pull
This hollow grave remains full.

so there you have it. any questions? comments? criticism? go right ahead and post it... not like i could stop you anyway.
 

dustinzgirl

Banned - What an Asshat!
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#2
a little hard to focus, but very dramatic. I dont really like it as something I would read, becuase it is too chaotic and surreal. Good form and imagery
 

_Kitana_

Angel of Death
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#3
Its a poem ment to be read out loud.

You can really feel the emotional pain, the dramatic steps...

VERY NICE.
 

YUCK FOU!!!

Critical Update Notification Tool.
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#4
dustinzgirl said:
a little hard to focus, but very dramatic. I dont really like it as something I would read, becuase it is too chaotic and surreal. Good form and imagery
i agree with you.
 

Nemesis

Drummer Pride!!!
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#5
No offence but its kind of, i dont know, lame or more tryhard. Great use of language, ill give u that but it's just stating the same thing from different points but the same author. A bit of creative critisism would be 4 the poem to branch of in different areas of whats being discussed if the length is going to be that apon which it is.
 

durtytoothbrush

no piggy no!!!
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#6
Don't change it, it's great and poetry is all your own. I'd like to know what was behind it really, i mean what made you feel this kind of pain or, are you just describing a scene that was in ur head? it isn't really for me to know but yeah, i love poems that rhyme when the author does it well. :thumbsup:
 

Black Flame

Mayhem on the Loose
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#7
no offense taken. what good is an artist (good or bad) if they can't take critisicm?
i can understand why it seems chaotic, for one thing i had just written it, and for another thing, i tend to be a chaotic thinker, though it seems organized and makes sense to me, it really depends on how you see it.
it's just basically a song about feeling left behind and forgotten in a place i don't want to be, but i have no choice, and i can't escape. i don't mind telling the direct inspiration for it if you really want to hear it, i really have nothing to hide. well, i won't go into fullout details, because i know i would and i would end up rambling about shit you don't care about. the guy i've fallen in love with has moved to arizona. when i wrote this, i felt like anything that ever made me happy was taken away. a lot of those things left me and forgot about me, fortunately he is still just as in love with me as i am with him, but i can't help but feel forgotten, whether it be by him or fate or god or whatever. hence the being tossed into a hollow grave and being forgotten.
i live in the most uneventful town around here, and i can't go anywhere interesting without a car. the town has a greyhound bus service, but it's for toronto (rather far from here), and it's expensive (for me). hence the being chained down. so there's nothing for me to do, i don't feel like i'm really growing or expanding my mind in this dull area, hence the rotting. i do what i can to escape, but it's usually on a limited time like a night on weekends. so i do have fun every now and then, but of course i always end up back here, hence the struggling and pulling of the chains, but remaining in the grave.
i don't know how well that explains it, it's the best i could do. maybe it helps to get a feel for the flow, but perhaps i do need to expand a bit. anything more you want to suggest or nag me about, go right ahead. i could use some inspiration and/or ideas.
thanks!