WTF ... IS WTF!?
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S.C.U.M. Presents: Fuck You!

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Captain 151

Seeped in a dry Merlot
4,261
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#1
I know, I know. You've kept that anger bottled up inside for so long now. Plus, you are such a little pussy! You have no idea how to turn that anger into hateful words!

Well, now there's help. Now you can assert your anger, with S.C.U.M.'s new patented (pending) "Fuck You!" machine!

<canned applause>

Here's how it works. You simply insert the object that is making you pissed off into the Fuck You! machine. The Fuck You! machine then processes and analyzes the data it has recieved. Using brand new PissedOff technology, originally developed by the US military, the Fuck You! machine then spits out the most appropriate way to yell, scream and curse until your ears bleed!

<canned applause>

Let me show you how it works. First, the Fuck You! machine doesn't run on electricity. Boy does that save you money in electric bills!

<"Yeah! It does!" canned response>

No, the Fuck You! machine runs on Stoli vodka. Simply pour a handle of Stoli into the machine's oral cavity, and you can hear the gears start turning in no time.

<"Ooooh!" canned response>

Now, let's take for example, this 10-page paper I need to hand in by tomarrow. Every student knows how hard it is to plagerize papers, what with Google and all...

<"Yeah..." canned response>

So what's a kid to do? Simply boil in stress and crank out some lousy triple-spaced 21 point font paper with no citations and a huge picture of Bea Arthur on the last page? NO! Throw that fuckin assignment into the Fuck You! machine!

<canned applause>

As the Fuck You! machine evaluates the best way to bitch out the paper, may I suggest trying one of S.C.U.M.'s new potato chip line. Free from unnecessary jargon, these new potato chips are the shit. And that's all you need to know. Ah, it looks like the Fuck You! machine is finished!

<canned applause>

See how fast that was? Under 25 seconds, and we can see how to handle this stressful project. The Fuck You! machine has spit out a single piece of paper. It reads:

Fuck you, term paper. You think I'm gonna do research for this? I'd rather tie a cindar block to my ankles and jump into the East River. Well guess what, term paper. I'm not going to fucking do you. That's right. Fuck off. And take your retarded multiple choice test half-brother with you. I'd be better off crumpling your 10 pages into little balls, and throwing them into the faculty toilet, clogging up the pipes. I'd be better off making Chinese Footballs out of your 10 pages and playing with that little Ethiopian kid until someone scores 1,000 points or dies from starvation than writing some stupid paper on the fucking Civil War. Who cares about the Civil War anyway? It was over 150 fucking years ago. Jesus, stop living in the past people. Fuck you, term paper.

<canned enthusiastic applause>

Wow! I feel so much better! I'm so glad I got that out of my system. Now, my mind is clear, and I can focus on writing that stupid fucking 10-page paper!

<canned applause>

How much would you pay for a S.C.U.M. Fuck You! machine? 10 dollars? 20? 100? 1 million yen?

<Audience member: "I'd give you my children for one of them!">

Well, for a limited time, I'm giving away FREE TRIALS! That's right folks!

<canned applause>

Simply post in this thread about a person, place, or thing that is giving you stress, and the S.C.U.M. Fuck You! machine will crank out the most hateful, vile, riot-enciting paragraph which you can yell at the top of your lungs! Not only will it make you feel better, but it will get your point across better than Ghandi's stupid hunger strike.

So what do you say? Put the Fuck You! machine to good use. S.C.U.M. operators are standing by for your requests.
 

Captain 151

Seeped in a dry Merlot
4,261
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#3
Fuck you, empty bottle of vodka. What, am I just going to sit here getting drunk on air? I demand to know where your contents have gone. If my fucking roommate has gotten into you again, I swear to God I'm going to rip his face straight off. He wont go drinking you again without a face, that's for sure. In fact, he'll probably die. And another thing, when you are full, my room is square, but when you are empty, my room is round. What gives, empty bottle of vodka? Seriously, I don't even have the 13 dollars needed to buy another cheap bottle of you. You serve me no purpose but as a paper weight, and even for that you bring forth memories of the good old days when you were only half-drank. Fuck you, empty bottle of vodka.
 

Captain 151

Seeped in a dry Merlot
4,261
4
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#7
CopyLifted said:
Fuck you, S.C.U.M. You think I got all day to sit around and read shit that you guys write? You havn't even put out a good thread in over a month. You're so fuckin elite, aren't you? Oooh, look at us, we can create our own little eliteist group that will show we're better than everybody else. Well, fuck you, S.C.U.M., because the truth of the matter is, you suck worse than a soy bean turkey on Thanksgiving. If it weren't for the fact that Jason loves the blowjobs he gets from all of you, you'd have folded up shop quicker than a dot com. The gimmick is fucking over, you shit heads. You failed at life. Go find some dusty corner to die in, cuz lord knows the world is only that much better with one less S.C.U.M. asshole. Fuck you, S.C.U.M.
 

Captain 151

Seeped in a dry Merlot
4,261
4
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#8
DotCom said:
Geography.
Fuck you, Geography. Who made you the king of the sciences? You aren't even a real fucking science. Why don't grow some balls like your older brother Physics. Geography; the little bastard child. The science that fucking retards choose as a major after their mommies tell them that Chemistry is going to hurt their pretty little brains. Who the fuck cares about rocks? The whole fucking world is one fucking rock. There. You happy, Geography? I just crunched 4 semesters of work down into 8 words. Why don't you go off to a bar, get piss drunk, go home with some Communications major and get fuckin herpes. Everyone knows you'll never marry a math major. Fuck you, Geography.
 

CopyLifted

Funnier than a 5th grader
4,790
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#9
tbsrk said:
Fuck you, S.C.U.M. You think I got all day to sit around and read shit that you guys write? You havn't even put out a good thread in over a month. You're so fuckin elite, aren't you? Oooh, look at us, we can create our own little eliteist group that will show we're better than everybody else. Well, fuck you, S.C.U.M., because the truth of the matter is, you suck worse than a soy bean turkey on Thanksgiving. If it weren't for the fact that Jason loves the blowjobs he gets from all of you, you'd have folded up shop quicker than a dot com. The gimmick is fucking over, you shit heads. You failed at life. Go find some dusty corner to die in, cuz lord knows the world is only that much better with one less S.C.U.M. asshole. Fuck you, S.C.U.M.
I love the FUCK YOU machine.
 

mmm...cheese

Banned - What an Asshat!
2,240
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#13
*inserts a gallon of expensive vodka into the Fuck You! machine*
*inserts wtf.com into the Fuck You! machine*

mmm...cheese: Well THAT'S a spicy-a meat-a-ball!
 

Broken

Member smoked too much weed!
3,891
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#14
dilmanator said:
I currently have no Vodka on me :(

NO!!! that's something worth ranting about! Let's all Pray ||
 

Captain 151

Seeped in a dry Merlot
4,261
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#16
SpikeySpike said:
Larry King Live
Fuck you, Larry King Live. When the fuck are you gonna die? You know what really pisses me off? All those fucking tiny lightbulbs behind you trying to represent nations. They look retarded. How in fucks sake do you get guests to come on your show? I saw the interview you did with Marlon Brando. It got me addicted to heroin. Shoving narcotics into my bloodstream is better than listening to your horrible banter. And stop trying to pretend you know anything about sports. We all know you were beat up as a kid and played badmitton with the rest of the Asian girls. Fuck you, Larry King Live.
 

Captain 151

Seeped in a dry Merlot
4,261
4
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#17
zoloftcasserole said:
Fuck you, breeders. If I wanted a pedigree dog I would have asked Paris Hilton out on a date. Who made you so high and mighty? You're not fooling anybody. We all know you failed Bio-chemistry in college and this is how you're making amends. I'll bet you get off on it, you sick fuck. You like wacking off dogs, don't you? You know what else pisses me off? The Breeders Cup. What the hell is that shit? If I wanted to see horses run around in a circle for hours, I'd go to a retarded circus. Try getting a real job, and stop charging me $1000 for a fucking poodle. Fuck you, breeders.
 

Captain 151

Seeped in a dry Merlot
4,261
4
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#18
I Hate The FCC said:
Fuck you, tbsrk. You smell worse than a burning tire. Do you ever fucking shower? I've got two words for you, tbsrk. IRISH SPRING. Use it. No wonder you never get any tail. Girls would rather gouge their eyes out with a rusty nail than have to look at your greasy ass. And since when does "making out" count as "hooking up"? You're a virgin aren't you, you anti-social piece of worthless garbage. And what the hell is your real name, anyway? What are you so afraid of? The internet demons tracking you down and shitting on your chest while you sleep? I'll bet you'd like that anyway. Fuck you, tbsrk.
 

Captain 151

Seeped in a dry Merlot
4,261
4
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#19
mmm...cheese said:
*inserts a gallon of expensive vodka into the Fuck You! machine*
*inserts wtf.com into the Fuck You! machine*

mmm...cheese: Well THAT'S a spicy-a meat-a-ball!
Fuck you, wtf.com. First of all, I'm tired of all this negativity. Boo hoo hoo, my girlfriend dumped me, my boss is a jerk, school is hard, I have to masturbate to pictures of goat on goat action to feel good about myself. Shut the fuck up. Nobody wants to hear what's wrong with you. If you insist on producing such wretched crap, at least leave a phone number so that we can call you up and laugh at your horrible fucking life. And whats with the acronym? WTF? Am I too fucking lazy to type out three fucking words? This country is headed towards a Nazi Grammer Regime, and it's your fucking fault, wtf. LOL. BRB. BBQ. Fuck off. Fuck you, wtf.com.
 

Captain 151

Seeped in a dry Merlot
4,261
4
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#20
meh_it_all said:
Keyboard.
Fuck you, keyboard. Every day I slave over you, rubbing your keys if they feel sore, blasting air from a can between your cracks to get the dirt out.. And what have you given me? Nothing but pain and aggrevation. As I get older, I become wiser. As you get older, your keys get suck down. What kind of trade off is that?! Not only that, but there are more useless buttons on you then a gay European man's sport jacket. What the fuck is Pause/Break button for? Seriously, what the fuck does that do? Does it pause time? Does it give me a break from the daily grind of life? Nobody knows what it does! And if you DO know, then you probably have spent your whole life in a closet with a computer, and have forgotton what the outside world looks like. Fuck you, keyboard.
 
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