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S.P.U.N.K: Guess Who I'm Laughing At.

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screwy

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Uwe Boll Presents

A Uwe Boll Film

In Association With Uwe Boll

Int. HavokChylde's Middle-class Bungalow

HavokChylde is masturbating in front of his computer screen. Sure, that's not immediately apparent since he is an oversised creature that dwells only in people's nightmares, but it soon becomes evident as the view changes to his rear, and we see that his computer screen is displaying http://hemmorhoidluv.tripod.com 's free gallery. After a few more seconds, his grotesque maw unhinges and he roars a thyroid-shattering shriek as the souls of dozens of children escape from his oversized phallus.

Cut to:

S.C.U.M: PnwerZ!!1 Of The B&T

Int. McDonald's in Moosejaw

A pimply teenager with a nametag that reads "Pat Sajak" stares blankly at the camera. We cut to the other side of the counter, where an annoyed looking customer rolls his eyes.

Annoyed Customer
Look. All I want are some goddamn-

A somewhat younger girl with boobies wearing only a white bra with a nametag that reads "Cuddles" smiles and pats Pat on the shoulder.

Cuddles
I'm really sorry sir... You see, back in '96, he was in a terrible NASCAR crash which plunged him into a Walter Chronkite-type comatose state. And in his will, he clearly stated that in such a case he wished to be kept alive on life support.

She points to s feeding tube in his arm.

Cuddles
So he's not actually working here anymore. We just keep up with him because our boss is a tyrannical Mormon who forces us to marry each other.

The customer looks at her in disbelief. His face turns redder than that pimple I had on my ass, and yells at Cuddles with all the rage he can gather from his twisted Republican soul.

Annoyed Customer
This is proposterous! You fired him because of his handicap? What kind of monsters are you? I think I'd better file another class-action lawsuit against a large corporation or a rich pop-star to feed my capitalist golddigging behaviour!

Cuddle's mouth opens slightly, and with the coldest of voices she replies;

Cuddles
He was never fired in my heart.

As soon as she finishes her sentence, pulse-pounding acid-house-jazz-step-trance & bass techno music fills the room. Cuddles' eyes open wide as the ANgry Customer bares his fangs and jumps back into a cliche kung-fu ready stance. Cuddles jumps over the counter with a bucket of boiling fat. She throws the tub in the air, and takes advantage of the 0.3 seconds of hangtime to throw a few punches at the vampiric Conservative. When the bucket falls to her hands, she hastily dumps it on his head, tripping at the same time. Time dilates as she gats up and ties her shoelace. The vampire can be seen slowly flailing his arms and bumping into things as the windows to the resaurant shatter. Thousands of vampire, zombies, werewolves, has-been television celebrities, ghouls, protoss, and Ted Nugent cover bands fell into the cramped McDonalds.

Cuddles looks at them with that cute little face that she does when she's about to come, and utters the coolest and most original words said by anyone in any film.

Cuddles
I'll be back.

She then proceeds to charge them all in a lengthy and rad battle with lots of slow motion that will not be fully written. But trust me. It's really rad.

When all is done...

Cut to.
Ext. McDonalds

HavokChylde is standing next to the giant golden arches. He utters in that goodie-two-shoes, nonchalant voice we all hate;

HavokChylde
Crickets. They've thwarted my master plans again.

He then proceeds to amble away into the fog.

Fade to.
Int. McDonalds

A beat-up looking man in a crusty plad sweater with a nametag reading "tbsrk" is chugging away at a bottle of cooking sherry.

tbsrk
Sorry I'm late, I was too busy fellating myself in my spacious studio apartment. Say, teh_anarchist, what happened here?

The young man with the "Pat Sajak" nametag continued to stare blankly in front of his field of vision, apparently immobile during the whole fight.

Cuddles and tbsrk then laugh heartily at his dibilitating handicap.

***​

Jon Lovitz as Cuddles
tbsrk as Himself
teh_anarchist as Himself

Produced by
Uwe Boll .... executive producer
Uwe Boll .... associate producer
Uwe Boll .... executive producer
Uwe Boll .... line producer
Uwe Boll .... producer
Uwe Boll .... producer
Uwe Boll .... associate producer
Uwe Boll .... associate producer
Uwe Boll .... producer (as Cassius Vernon Weathersby)
Uwe Boll .... associate producer

Original Music by
Uwe Boll

Non-Original Music by
Uwe Boll (from "Fuer Elise")

Cinematography by
Uwe Boll

Film Editing by
Uwe Boll

Casting by
Uwe Boll

Production Design by
Uwe Boll

Art Direction by
Uwe Boll

Set Decoration by
Uwe Boll (as Dan May)

Costume Design by
Uwe Boll

Makeup Department
Uwe Boll .... hair stylist
Uwe Boll .... makeup department head
Uwe Boll .... assistant hair stylist
Uwe Boll .... additional hair stylist
Uwe Boll .... additional makeup artist

Production Management
Uwe Boll .... production supervisor
Uwe Boll .... unit production manager

Second Unit Director or Assistant Director
Uwe Boll .... first assistant director
Uwe Boll .... additional second assistant director
Uwe Boll .... second assistant director (as Tony Nahar)
Uwe Boll .... second second assistant director (as Korey Pollard)

Art Department
Uwe Boll .... leadman
Uwe Boll .... assistant property master
Uwe Boll .... property maker
Uwe Boll .... art department coordinator
Uwe Boll .... assistant property master
Uwe Boll .... paint foreman

Sound Department
Uwe Boll .... ProTools playback operator
Uwe Boll .... production sound mixer
Uwe Boll .... sound playback operator
Uwe Boll .... boom operator (as Reggie Dunn)
Uwe Boll .... sound editor
Uwe Boll .... foley artist
Uwe Boll .... sound editor
Uwe Boll .... foley artist
Uwe Boll .... foley mixer
Uwe Boll .... utility sound technician (as Jesse 'Mr. Woody' Stubblefield)
Uwe Boll .... sound editor
Uwe Boll .... sound re-recording mixer

Special Effects by
Uwe Boll .... special effects coordinator
Uwe Boll .... special effects

Stunts
Uwe Boll .... stunt coordinator
Uwe Boll .... stunts
Uwe Boll .... stunts

Other crew
Uwe Boll .... costumer
Uwe Boll .... assistant craft service
Uwe Boll .... assistant
Uwe Boll .... music clearance
Uwe Boll .... grip
Uwe Boll .... video assist operator
Uwe Boll .... assistant production coordinator
Uwe Boll.... first assistant camera
Uwe Boll .... electrician
Uwe Boll .... production assistant
Uwe Boll .... music supervisor
Uwe Boll .... assistant: Dave Scott
Uwe Boll .... assistant accountant
Uwe Boll .... key grip
Uwe Boll .... production coordinator
Uwe Boll .... set costumer
Uwe Boll .... still photographer
Uwe Boll .... costumer
Uwe Boll .... on-set costumer
Uwe Boll .... script supervisor
Uwe Boll .... casting associate
Uwe Boll .... best boy grip
Uwe Boll .... payroll accountant
Uwe Boll .... second assistant camera
Uwe Boll .... accountant
Uwe Boll .... first assistant camera: "b" camera
Uwe Boll .... rigging key grip
Uwe Boll .... costumer
Uwe Boll .... set production assistant
Uwe Boll .... additional choreographer (as Robert James Hoffman III)
Uwe Boll .... accounting assistant
Uwe Boll .... electrician
Uwe Boll .... assistant: Uwe Boll
Uwe Boll .... electrician
Uwe Boll .... stand-in
Uwe Boll .... assistant: Uwe Boll
Uwe Boll .... location manager (as Ernest 'Kojo' Lewis)
Uwe Boll .... camera operator
Uwe Boll .... aerial director of photography
Uwe Boll .... costumer
Uwe Boll .... executive soundtrack producer
Uwe Boll .... production coordinator (as Cheryl A. Miller)
Uwe Boll.... camera loader
Uwe Boll .... production assistant
Uwe Boll .... grip
Uwe Boll .... camera operator
Uwe Boll .... gaffer
Uwe Boll .... camera loader
Uwe Boll .... assistant camera
Uwe Boll .... first assistant camera
Uwe Boll .... camera operator
Uwe Boll .... music consultant
Uwe Boll .... supervising choreographer
Uwe Boll .... color timer (as Steve Sheridan)
Uwe Boll .... choreographer
Uwe Boll .... studio teacher
Uwe Boll .... publicist
Uwe Boll .... assistant camera
Uwe Boll .... best boy electric
Uwe Boll .... electrician
Uwe Boll .... assistant: Uwe Boll
Uwe Boll .... dolly grip
Uwe Boll .... assistant location manager
Uwe Boll .... second editor
Uwe Boll .... medic
Uwe Boll .... production assistant
Uwe Boll .... costume supervisor

Copyright 2005 S.P.U.N.K​
 

DIZNUTS

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dude that was one of the best things i have ever read in the history of my porn and wtf.com addiction.... :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:
one thing i didnt like is that DIZNUTS was never mentioned :( i should be in part two ;)
 

screwy

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#3
Soon. I'm working on S.C.U.M: The PwnerZ!!!1 Of The B&T: The Series and some other movies all directed by Uwe Boll. Everyone will have their chance to shine.
 
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screw_ball said:
Soon. I'm working on S.C.U.M: The PwnerZ!!!1 Of The B&T: The Series and some other movies all directed by Uwe Boll. Everyone will have their chance to shine.
Hahaha you use large font because you think it's funny. No one likes you. Go away. It wasn't funny or entertaining. :thumbsdn: :thumbsdn: :thumbsdn:
 

dustinzgirl

Banned - What an Asshat!
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you have way too much time on your hands assmonkey.
 

screwy

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I hate the FCC said:
Hahaha you use large font because you think it's funny. No one likes you. Go away. It wasn't funny or entertaining. :thumbsdn: :thumbsdn: :thumbsdn:
That would've been true if I hadn't made you a vegetable with no dialogue.
 

DIZNUTS

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screw_ball said:
That would've been true if I hadn't made you a vegetable with no dialogue.
lol :thumbsup:
 
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screw_ball said:
That would've been true if I hadn't made you a vegetable with no dialogue.
No it still wasn't funny. :thumbsdn: :thumbsdn: You never were and never will be funny.
 

DIZNUTS

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I hate the FCC said:
No it still wasn't funny. :thumbsdn: :thumbsdn: You never were and never will be funny.
i still think it was funny :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: and my 3 thumbs up beat your 2 hehe
 

chucktheskiffie

Way too hyper...
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DIZNUTS said:
i still think it was funny :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: and my 3 thumbs up beat your 2 hehe
The old "three thumbs beats two thumbs rule" eh??

Can't argue with that!
 

chucktheskiffie

Way too hyper...
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MaxPower said:
Tea Ell Dee Arrrrrr
I believe Max has lost it.... he thinks he's a pirate.

::throws max a wooden leg, parrot, and sideways hat::

there you go cap'n!!

Need a first mate?? i can sail...
 
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#14
Damn, Screwy. The first post of yours I’ve seen that’s longer one line.
We are all so proud of you. I mean, you didn’t even use the :thumbsup: symbol. You’re going to fuck around changing, and people are going to start dying of shock.

I’ll give you credit for taking the time to think that bullshit up, though. You must have tons of time on your hands.

One question though: Why are the credits longer than the story/script or whatever?

:thumbsup: :thumbsdn: :thumbsdn: :thumbsup:
 

gurlgonewild

Was machen Sie?
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well worthy of my 500th post

wtf is screwball? and what did you do w/ him!?" (not that i'm complaining) wow screw ball, who knew you were so talented and well spoken; nice flaming too.
 

MaxPower

You're my number two
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chucktheskiffie said:
I believe Max has lost it.... he thinks he's a pirate.

::throws max a wooden leg, parrot, and sideways hat::

there you go cap'n!!

Need a first mate?? i can sail...
Well batten down the hatches, hoist the mainsail! Rig the Mizzen mast. We're bearing up on the Rock of Gibralter. Them be some waters teaming with unsuspecting seafarers.
All I need is a ship and a star to guide her with. Arrrrrrrr.
 
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#18
Bah, good thing I skimmed.

This story was worse than the vampire/hooker story I wrote when I was 10.
 

screwy

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Actually, it was an adaptation of the vampire/hooker story you wrote when you were ten. Adapted by Uwe Boll.
 

jamesp

In Memory...
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#20
screw_ball said:
Uwe Boll Presents


A Uwe Boll Film



In Association With Uwe Boll

nifty, but man do you have way too much free time.....
 
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