Uwe Boll Presents
A Uwe Boll Film
In Association With Uwe Boll
A Uwe Boll Film
In Association With Uwe Boll
Int. HavokChylde's Middle-class Bungalow
HavokChylde is masturbating in front of his computer screen. Sure, that's not immediately apparent since he is an oversised creature that dwells only in people's nightmares, but it soon becomes evident as the view changes to his rear, and we see that his computer screen is displaying http://hemmorhoidluv.tripod.com 's free gallery. After a few more seconds, his grotesque maw unhinges and he roars a thyroid-shattering shriek as the souls of dozens of children escape from his oversized phallus.
Cut to:
S.C.U.M: PnwerZ!!1 Of The B&T
Int. McDonald's in Moosejaw
A pimply teenager with a nametag that reads "Pat Sajak" stares blankly at the camera. We cut to the other side of the counter, where an annoyed looking customer rolls his eyes.
Annoyed Customer
Look. All I want are some goddamn-
Look. All I want are some goddamn-
A somewhat younger girl with boobies wearing only a white bra with a nametag that reads "Cuddles" smiles and pats Pat on the shoulder.
Cuddles
I'm really sorry sir... You see, back in '96, he was in a terrible NASCAR crash which plunged him into a Walter Chronkite-type comatose state. And in his will, he clearly stated that in such a case he wished to be kept alive on life support.
I'm really sorry sir... You see, back in '96, he was in a terrible NASCAR crash which plunged him into a Walter Chronkite-type comatose state. And in his will, he clearly stated that in such a case he wished to be kept alive on life support.
She points to s feeding tube in his arm.
Cuddles
So he's not actually working here anymore. We just keep up with him because our boss is a tyrannical Mormon who forces us to marry each other.
So he's not actually working here anymore. We just keep up with him because our boss is a tyrannical Mormon who forces us to marry each other.
The customer looks at her in disbelief. His face turns redder than that pimple I had on my ass, and yells at Cuddles with all the rage he can gather from his twisted Republican soul.
Annoyed Customer
This is proposterous! You fired him because of his handicap? What kind of monsters are you? I think I'd better file another class-action lawsuit against a large corporation or a rich pop-star to feed my capitalist golddigging behaviour!
This is proposterous! You fired him because of his handicap? What kind of monsters are you? I think I'd better file another class-action lawsuit against a large corporation or a rich pop-star to feed my capitalist golddigging behaviour!
Cuddle's mouth opens slightly, and with the coldest of voices she replies;
Cuddles
He was never fired in my heart.
He was never fired in my heart.
As soon as she finishes her sentence, pulse-pounding acid-house-jazz-step-trance & bass techno music fills the room. Cuddles' eyes open wide as the ANgry Customer bares his fangs and jumps back into a cliche kung-fu ready stance. Cuddles jumps over the counter with a bucket of boiling fat. She throws the tub in the air, and takes advantage of the 0.3 seconds of hangtime to throw a few punches at the vampiric Conservative. When the bucket falls to her hands, she hastily dumps it on his head, tripping at the same time. Time dilates as she gats up and ties her shoelace. The vampire can be seen slowly flailing his arms and bumping into things as the windows to the resaurant shatter. Thousands of vampire, zombies, werewolves, has-been television celebrities, ghouls, protoss, and Ted Nugent cover bands fell into the cramped McDonalds.
Cuddles looks at them with that cute little face that she does when she's about to come, and utters the coolest and most original words said by anyone in any film.
Cuddles
I'll be back.
I'll be back.
She then proceeds to charge them all in a lengthy and rad battle with lots of slow motion that will not be fully written. But trust me. It's really rad.
When all is done...
Cut to.
Ext. McDonalds
HavokChylde is standing next to the giant golden arches. He utters in that goodie-two-shoes, nonchalant voice we all hate;
HavokChylde
Crickets. They've thwarted my master plans again.
Crickets. They've thwarted my master plans again.
He then proceeds to amble away into the fog.
Fade to.
Int. McDonalds
A beat-up looking man in a crusty plad sweater with a nametag reading "tbsrk" is chugging away at a bottle of cooking sherry.
tbsrk
Sorry I'm late, I was too busy fellating myself in my spacious studio apartment. Say, teh_anarchist, what happened here?
Sorry I'm late, I was too busy fellating myself in my spacious studio apartment. Say, teh_anarchist, what happened here?
The young man with the "Pat Sajak" nametag continued to stare blankly in front of his field of vision, apparently immobile during the whole fight.
Cuddles and tbsrk then laugh heartily at his dibilitating handicap.
***
Jon Lovitz as Cuddles
tbsrk as Himself
teh_anarchist as Himself
Produced by
Uwe Boll .... executive producer
Uwe Boll .... associate producer
Uwe Boll .... executive producer
Uwe Boll .... line producer
Uwe Boll .... producer
Uwe Boll .... producer
Uwe Boll .... associate producer
Uwe Boll .... associate producer
Uwe Boll .... producer (as Cassius Vernon Weathersby)
Uwe Boll .... associate producer
Original Music by
Uwe Boll
Non-Original Music by
Uwe Boll (from "Fuer Elise")
Cinematography by
Uwe Boll
Film Editing by
Uwe Boll
Casting by
Uwe Boll
Production Design by
Uwe Boll
Art Direction by
Uwe Boll
Set Decoration by
Uwe Boll (as Dan May)
Costume Design by
Uwe Boll
Makeup Department
Uwe Boll .... hair stylist
Uwe Boll .... makeup department head
Uwe Boll .... assistant hair stylist
Uwe Boll .... additional hair stylist
Uwe Boll .... additional makeup artist
Production Management
Uwe Boll .... production supervisor
Uwe Boll .... unit production manager
Second Unit Director or Assistant Director
Uwe Boll .... first assistant director
Uwe Boll .... additional second assistant director
Uwe Boll .... second assistant director (as Tony Nahar)
Uwe Boll .... second second assistant director (as Korey Pollard)
Art Department
Uwe Boll .... leadman
Uwe Boll .... assistant property master
Uwe Boll .... property maker
Uwe Boll .... art department coordinator
Uwe Boll .... assistant property master
Uwe Boll .... paint foreman
Sound Department
Uwe Boll .... ProTools playback operator
Uwe Boll .... production sound mixer
Uwe Boll .... sound playback operator
Uwe Boll .... boom operator (as Reggie Dunn)
Uwe Boll .... sound editor
Uwe Boll .... foley artist
Uwe Boll .... sound editor
Uwe Boll .... foley artist
Uwe Boll .... foley mixer
Uwe Boll .... utility sound technician (as Jesse 'Mr. Woody' Stubblefield)
Uwe Boll .... sound editor
Uwe Boll .... sound re-recording mixer
Special Effects by
Uwe Boll .... special effects coordinator
Uwe Boll .... special effects
Stunts
Uwe Boll .... stunt coordinator
Uwe Boll .... stunts
Uwe Boll .... stunts
Other crew
Uwe Boll .... costumer
Uwe Boll .... assistant craft service
Uwe Boll .... assistant
Uwe Boll .... music clearance
Uwe Boll .... grip
Uwe Boll .... video assist operator
Uwe Boll .... assistant production coordinator
Uwe Boll.... first assistant camera
Uwe Boll .... electrician
Uwe Boll .... production assistant
Uwe Boll .... music supervisor
Uwe Boll .... assistant: Dave Scott
Uwe Boll .... assistant accountant
Uwe Boll .... key grip
Uwe Boll .... production coordinator
Uwe Boll .... set costumer
Uwe Boll .... still photographer
Uwe Boll .... costumer
Uwe Boll .... on-set costumer
Uwe Boll .... script supervisor
Uwe Boll .... casting associate
Uwe Boll .... best boy grip
Uwe Boll .... payroll accountant
Uwe Boll .... second assistant camera
Uwe Boll .... accountant
Uwe Boll .... first assistant camera: "b" camera
Uwe Boll .... rigging key grip
Uwe Boll .... costumer
Uwe Boll .... set production assistant
Uwe Boll .... additional choreographer (as Robert James Hoffman III)
Uwe Boll .... accounting assistant
Uwe Boll .... electrician
Uwe Boll .... assistant: Uwe Boll
Uwe Boll .... electrician
Uwe Boll .... stand-in
Uwe Boll .... assistant: Uwe Boll
Uwe Boll .... location manager (as Ernest 'Kojo' Lewis)
Uwe Boll .... camera operator
Uwe Boll .... aerial director of photography
Uwe Boll .... costumer
Uwe Boll .... executive soundtrack producer
Uwe Boll .... production coordinator (as Cheryl A. Miller)
Uwe Boll.... camera loader
Uwe Boll .... production assistant
Uwe Boll .... grip
Uwe Boll .... camera operator
Uwe Boll .... gaffer
Uwe Boll .... camera loader
Uwe Boll .... assistant camera
Uwe Boll .... first assistant camera
Uwe Boll .... camera operator
Uwe Boll .... music consultant
Uwe Boll .... supervising choreographer
Uwe Boll .... color timer (as Steve Sheridan)
Uwe Boll .... choreographer
Uwe Boll .... studio teacher
Uwe Boll .... publicist
Uwe Boll .... assistant camera
Uwe Boll .... best boy electric
Uwe Boll .... electrician
Uwe Boll .... assistant: Uwe Boll
Uwe Boll .... dolly grip
Uwe Boll .... assistant location manager
Uwe Boll .... second editor
Uwe Boll .... medic
Uwe Boll .... production assistant
Uwe Boll .... costume supervisor
Copyright 2005 S.P.U.N.K
