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sell the ranch


Banned - What an Asshat!

Dear Mr. Bush, It's time to Sell the Ranch. What does that have to do with anything? Hear me out, and I'll explain: Currently, New Orleans is underwater. Thousands of people are missing and/or dead. Scores more have lost their homes permanently, and are suffering in squalid conditions.

The Mayor of New Orleans has called this the largest disaster in the history of the country. But what's more disastrous, the hurricane, or the slow-as-molasses response from the federal agencies for which you're responsible?

You seem to be more interested in getting a tan and going on vacation than running a country that's falling apart-- and no, not Iraq. I mean running this country.

But perhaps your preoccupation with (and of) Iraq is part of the problem. It's not as if you didn't have any warning that this would happen: In early 2001, FEMA ranked this possible disaster right up there with a terrorist attack on New York City. So with a need for $250 million to shore up hurricane and flooding-prevention projects, you slashed the funding to almost nil. The Army Corps of Engineers received barely 4 million dollars for the New Orleans levee project this year. Where did the rest of the money go? Your friends in government say it went to that $200 billion "let's invade a sovereign nation for no reason" project that you were working on (which must be pretty hard to pay for that after all those tax cuts.)

Oh, and there's that $231 million bridge to nowhere up in Alaska.

But you say it was "inevitable". That it was a "force of nature". So when it came down to making swift, decisive action to help people that were drowning and starving, you were busy playing the guitar at some fluff photo-ops. Condi was too busy buying shoes and seeing Broadway comedies. The head of your party was too busy going to a Republican Fundraiser and selling his car. And the National Guard troops, which could have prevented at least some of the lawlessness, the looting, the pillaging, the rapes, and the assault? Where were they? Where were their helicopters to help airlift the starving, drowning masses? I dare say, even someone with your intelligence can crack that riddle. Hint: it rhymes with "Iraq".

The American people have noticed your indifference towards your duties as president. A recent poll shows your approval rating is at 45%. I'm sure it's headed further south after this incident, or as you call it, "that hurricane thing."

But all is not lost. You can still show the nation that you do care about the people of this great nation. You can make a personal gesture to help the thousands of people affected by this (preventable) disaster. No, I'm not talking about putting on a blue "workin' man" shirt, rolling up your sleeves and giving a press conference with a feigned look of concern on your face. The answer is:

Sell the Ranch. That's right, sell your ranch in Texas, and donate the money to the victims of this horrible tragedy. I realize you love your ranch; you've spent almost a year of your presidency there, doing important things like clearing brush, eating pretzels, and taking naps. But that's exactly why you need to sell it. So many people have lost their homes; the least you can do is give up ownership of one of your many residences for their benefit to show that you have some trace of compassion. Think of it as a symbolic gesture that you're finally ready to stop running away from the responsibilities of the Oval office, and you're ready to meet head-on the full duties of the highest office in the land.

You've said that you communicate with God, that you talk to Jesus. So what would Jesus do? Would not Jesus Christ sell one of his luxury homes to help the indigent, huddled masses yearning to breathe free? At auction, your Ranch would fetch at least a couple million dollars. Would Jesus not donate that money to the poor and starving? But maybe that level of selflessness is asking too much. After all, the hurricane itself is his dad's fault, when it really comes down to it. So look at it this way, just do what you do best. Think about yourself. You're probably doing that right about now anyway. Think about the hard numbers, and think about your legacy in the history books. It could change the course of your presidency. Do you want to be remembered as the president that fiddled while Rome burned? (and while New Orleans drowned?) Or would you rather be remembered as the warm, giving, Reaganesque philanthropist that gave his all for the nation he lives in most of the time?

As Rove would say: "Think of the look on the lousy democrats' faces! Think of the approval ratings! Think of the glazed honey ham we're having for dinner!"

No matter how you look at it, it's time to be a man, Mr. President. Be a man and Sell the Ranch.



Excellent letter, my friend, however, how is the letter gonna raise the attention of Mr. Bush Jr. when it doesn't have anything to do with the oil industry?

PS: That sunova Bush plays guitar? Satriani's gonna cry