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Shambles

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#1
Here I sit in the middle of chaos,
My life in shambles all around.
If life's a dream
Please wake me,
I can't seem to take control.
The chaos tears through,
Until nothing is left,
Leaving me in pieces.
I didn't ask,
I didn't want,
Any more than your approval.
Yet here I sit,
Wondering how,
My life became so broken.
My mind joins my life,
And nothing's left,
Except the robot you wanted.
Can't let it out,
Can't let you see,
That I'm slowly turning in to what you wanted me to be.
Here I sit in the middle of my broken dreams,
My life in shambles all around me.
 

dustinzgirl

Banned - What an Asshat!
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#2
lose the conjunctive owrds: can't to can not, because conjuctives are only good if you use them throughout, for a specific rhythm. Here it just removes the rhythm. It also reads a bit forced, not that this is a bad thing, but it could be approved on by adding more descriptive flare and the like. I also tend to lean towards removing pronouns (I, you< we) except to make a pointed statement, and not to use them so much.

For example: (and tiger, I am NOT trying to step on your toes here, just giving you some ideas):

Here I sit in the middle of chaos, (I sit here, within chaos)
My life in shambles all around. (The shambles of life surround me)
If life's a dream (Tell me this life is more than a dream)
Please wake me, Please wake me
I can't seem to take control. (I can not control this)
The chaos tears through, (Tears of chaos flow through)
Until nothing is left, (Now there is nothing left)
Leaving me in pieces. (I am in pieces)
I didn't ask, (I did not ask)
I didn't want, ( I did not want)
Any more than your approval. (More than acceptance, approval)
Yet here I sit, (Yet here I sit, and wonder how)
Wondering how,
My life became so broken. (Life has become broken)
My mind joins my life, (this line rocks, btw!)
And nothing's left, (And nothing is left)
Except the robot you wanted. (great, agian!)
Can't let it out, (I can not let it out)
Can't let you see, (I can not let you see)
That I'm slowly turning in to what you wanted me to be. (great again!)
Here I sit in the middle of my broken dreams, (I sit here, admist broken dreams)
My life in shambles all around me. (fine conclusion)
 

BklynCannonball

pffffffffffttttttttttt...
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#3
DG! That was the most constructive reply I have ever read. Can't wait to post one of mine, just to get your opinion.

Cheers Lady!
 
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#4
dustinzgirl said:
lose the conjunctive owrds: can't to can not, because conjuctives are only good if you use them throughout, for a specific rhythm. Here it just removes the rhythm. It also reads a bit forced, not that this is a bad thing, but it could be approved on by adding more descriptive flare and the like. I also tend to lean towards removing pronouns (I, you< we) except to make a pointed statement, and not to use them so much.

For example: (and tiger, I am NOT trying to step on your toes here, just giving you some ideas):

Here I sit in the middle of chaos, (I sit here, within chaos)
My life in shambles all around. (The shambles of life surround me)
If life's a dream (Tell me this life is more than a dream)
Please wake me, Please wake me
I can't seem to take control. (I can not control this)
The chaos tears through, (Tears of chaos flow through)
Until nothing is left, (Now there is nothing left)
Leaving me in pieces. (I am in pieces)
I didn't ask, (I did not ask)
I didn't want, ( I did not want)
Any more than your approval. (More than acceptance, approval)
Yet here I sit, (Yet here I sit, and wonder how)
Wondering how,
My life became so broken. (Life has become broken)
My mind joins my life, (this line rocks, btw!)
And nothing's left, (And nothing is left)
Except the robot you wanted. (great, agian!)
Can't let it out, (I can not let it out)
Can't let you see, (I can not let you see)
That I'm slowly turning in to what you wanted me to be. (great again!)
Here I sit in the middle of my broken dreams, (I sit here, admist broken dreams)
My life in shambles all around me. (fine conclusion)
I posted this poem as it was being created, so it's bound to not have it's proper form or flow yet. I was just writing based on how I was/am feeling. Thank you for the advice, if I ever decide to actually "write" this poem I could definitely use some of those line changes. There were some of them that I purposely wrote the way I did, so when this is edited and I didn't use some of your proposed line changes you'll understand why.
 

dustinzgirl

Banned - What an Asshat!
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#6
tiger_86 said:
I posted this poem as it was being created, so it's bound to not have it's proper form or flow yet. I was just writing based on how I was/am feeling. Thank you for the advice, if I ever decide to actually "write" this poem I could definitely use some of those line changes. There were some of them that I purposely wrote the way I did, so when this is edited and I didn't use some of your proposed line changes you'll understand why.
Dude, you dont have to use any of them, I promise it will not hurt my feelings. ITs just to give you an idea of what I would think would read better, which isnt always the best way to do something, OK?
 
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#9
dustinzgirl said:
Dude, you dont have to use any of them, I promise it will not hurt my feelings. ITs just to give you an idea of what I would think would read better, which isnt always the best way to do something, OK?
Oh, I understand perfectly, I was just explaining how the poem came about. Didn't mean to sound defensive or anything (damn internet). I like your ideas a lot and that's more constructive criticism than I've seen in my entire writing career. Most people will just tell me it's good or it needs work and move on. I should hire you as my editor:D Thanks for the constructive criticism. Can't wait to finish typing the new first chapter of "A World Apart" to see what you think about that. Most of it's up now, if you want to read it.
 

dustinzgirl

Banned - What an Asshat!
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#10
tiger_86 said:
Oh, I understand perfectly, I was just explaining how the poem came about. Didn't mean to sound defensive or anything (damn internet). I like your ideas a lot and that's more constructive criticism than I've seen in my entire writing career. Most people will just tell me it's good or it needs work and move on. I should hire you as my editor:D Thanks for the constructive criticism. Can't wait to finish typing the new first chapter of "A World Apart" to see what you think about that. Most of it's up now, if you want to read it.
I will read it. It is a lot more work critiquing short stories than poems, so I kind of steer clear from that. :D
 
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#11
dustinzgirl said:
I will read it. It is a lot more work critiquing short stories than poems, so I kind of steer clear from that. :D
I have no intention for this one to be a short story, but it's not all that different. You're still looking at word choice and flow, the story just doesn't have the form of poetry. I'm surprised you'd have any trouble with how well you write your stories. I think you'd be better at it then you believe. Anyway, thanks again for the responses. It helps a lot (and reminds me why I'm better off sticking to stories than messing with the rules of poetry :p )
 

kindbud

Banned - What an Asshat!
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#12
dustinzgirl said:
Here I sit in the middle of chaos, (I sit here, within chaos)
My life in shambles all around. (The shambles of life surround me)
If life's a dream (Tell me this life is more than a dream)
Please wake me, Please wake me
I can't seem to take control. (I can not control this)
The chaos tears through, (Tears of chaos flow through)
Until nothing is left, (Now there is nothing left)
Leaving me in pieces. (I am in pieces)
I didn't ask, (I did not ask)
I didn't want, ( I did not want)
Any more than your approval. (More than acceptance, approval)
Yet here I sit, (Yet here I sit, and wonder how)
Wondering how,
My life became so broken. (Life has become broken)
My mind joins my life, (this line rocks, btw!)
And nothing's left, (And nothing is left)
Except the robot you wanted. (great, agian!)
Can't let it out, (I can not let it out)
Can't let you see, (I can not let you see)
That I'm slowly turning in to what you wanted me to be. (great again!)
Here I sit in the middle of my broken dreams, (I sit here, admist broken dreams)
My life in shambles all around me. (fine conclusion)
tiger and you are saying totally different things. i think you misunderstood a few lines.

'life in shambles' not the same as 'shambles of life.'

"tell me this life is more than a dream".... 'waking' her from the dream is enough for her point. you spell it out, where 'waking' describes it...lets the reader make the mental picture.

the use of 'tear' doesn't seem to be the same from how tiger and you used it. tear as from a cry or a rip.

her use of consecutive didn'ts and can'ts fall very nicely and sound much, much better than your suggested 'did nots' and 'cannots.'

tiger's flow sounds better to me. maybe if you heard it read you'd see how it was intended to flow.

dustinzgirl said:
It also reads a bit forced, not that this is a bad thing, but it could be approved on by adding more descriptive flare and the like.
did you really mean her poem could be 'approved?' sounds pompous. if you meant, improved, i understand, but that along with your other comments sounds like you are going to stamp it for her if she works on it.

i'm not a grammar nazi, but you can see how that can be taken...especially after all your changes.
 
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#13
Now, now, please no arguments started over my piece. Kindbud got the intention of my poem, and one or two of DG's suggestions are helpful, so let's all just be as close to friends as possible, k?
 

dustinzgirl

Banned - What an Asshat!
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#14
tiger_86 said:
Now, now, please no arguments started over my piece. Kindbud got the intention of my poem, and one or two of DG's suggestions are helpful, so let's all just be as close to friends as possible, k?
Sorry, I'm just bitchy tonight. I'll fix it....how often do you get to admonish a MOD anyways?:p