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shes gone

John Howle

Hot Girl on Girl Action
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#1
I lay awake at this hour,
i cant fall asleep thinking of her.

Ive looked at these four walls only to be reminded of her sweet gentle touch and voice
the only way i can get back with her is to fall back asleep, but as the hours drain
the more more hours i spend in pain.

I cant stand you being gone, , you destroyed me in everyway, so as i lay here i will remember how you used to say
"I will always be here."
 

Rurrouni

Shinsengumi
329
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#3
little to common place poem, try to become a little bit more creative with it, using hidden meanings for basic things. Also put more thought in it, don't just post random shit at the top of your head unless you got inspiried and the poem flows which I dont doubt a few on the forums are like that.
 

DIZNUTS

Ñúñ'§ þêG £ègGéÐ /\/\å±ëý
3,158
1
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#4
Rurrouni said:
little to common place poem, try to become a little bit more creative with it, using hidden meanings for basic things. Also put more thought in it, don't just post random shit at the top of your head unless you got inspiried and the poem flows which I dont doubt a few on the forums are like that.
i thought it was ok......and Rurrouni all the shit i write is from the top of my head..its always a "rough" draft lol
 

_Kitana_

Angel of Death
4,674
16
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#5
Rurrouni said:
little to common place poem, try to become a little bit more creative with it, using hidden meanings for basic things. Also put more thought in it, don't just post random shit at the top of your head unless you got inspiried and the poem flows which I dont doubt a few on the forums are like that.
You know... I look at te poetry of the past and I realize what made it so great is the flows, the slight rhymes, the word choice and simplicity of the poem. Not everything has to be some complex for it to be great... poetry is what you make of it. There are diffrent styles and flows for everyone.

I do love the simplicity of the poem he brought forth. The over all flow was alright. The poem itself is ugly to read. Long drawn out lines, they needed to be broken up somewhat. You want to try to keep your lines for the most part the same length. For Example:


I lay awake at this hour,
i cant fall asleep thinking of her.

Ive looked at these four walls
only to be reminded of her
sweet gentle touch and voice. (to add a bit more depth try switching words out other then sweet and gentle.)

the only way i can get back with her
is to fall back asleep,(love the idea behind this LINE but to make it more poetic try "is for me to drift asleep" .)but as the hours drain
the more more hours I spend in pain.

I cant stand you being gone,
you destroyed me in everyway,
so as i lay here i will remember how you used to say (take out the I will make " So as I lay here remembering how you use to say,)
"I will always be here."
 

John Howle

Hot Girl on Girl Action
53
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0
#6
Thanks everyonem for the feedback, all of them helped... especially Kitana's.
Im new to this, so the feedback was deeply appreciated :D