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Some of my poems..Enjoy. *Say what you think.*

Sudite

Your favourite day dream.
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#1
Thought I should post some, see what you guys think, blah blah blah. Don't lie to me, if you don't like it.. say so. If there's something I could fix, let me know..


All of this;

Everything's so hazy.
Even pictures trigger me, and start me up again.
I look at you, and I think of you,
I dream of you, and I speak of you.

Everything's so cloudy,
Even memories get me going, and start me up again.
You are me, and I am you.
You don't love me, and I love you too.

I look at pictures, and everything goes foggy,
then I feel the tears.
It's only been a little while,
but it seems like it's been years.

Everything's so un-real,
Even lyrics make me cry, and start me up again.
I miss you, and I am stuck with your memory.
You are there, and come back to me.


Love?

I always said "I don't believe in love, it's not real."
I was always the non-believer of the group.
It's silly because, that was all lies.

I always told you "Don't be silly, love?, it's not real."
I never thought it could be true.
It's funny because, that was utter crap.

I remember, I always reminded you "Remember, love; it's not real."
I didn't believe in it, so neither could you.
It's a laugh because, that was all a cover-up.

See; I thought real love was true..

In fact...

I believed in it more than all of you.

Join Me Insane;


I look at you, then I look at me.
Alone, we are nothing, but together we could be..
Strong.
We could take over this world, make it better.
You and I are so much more significant than the others; we matter.


I'll be your little Angel with horns to hold up my halo.
You can be my devilish prince who will never let me go.
I'll wear your wings, and you where mine, we will rule until the end of time.
Father will be proud of me.
He'll praise me and he will see; Fierna I am and always will be.
His little girl who; took over the world.

Now it's only my evil baby and me.
We rule this place, and the smile on my face; it's incredible.

Join me in horror,
join me in evil reign.
Join me in eternal partnership,
join me insane.
 
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#2
Well first off I hope everything goes well with you and your life, and this mystry man you are pining for. As for the peoms, i loved the words and message they send out. But I think you could work on the flow of the poems. But other than that, I liked them.
 

Sudite

Your favourite day dream.
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#3
DidUFlossYet said:
Well first off I hope everything goes well with you and your life, and this mystry man you are pining for. As for the peoms, i loved the words and message they send out. But I think you could work on the flow of the poems. But other than that, I liked them.

Ahhh I wrote these a while back, not still pinning over the "mystery man." Lol.
Thanks a lot for the comments, they're greatly appreciated.
 

dustinzgirl

Banned - What an Asshat!
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#4
You need to reconstruct the flow and language in the above poems. You show too much, and poetry is not about showing the action, but the emotions that create that action. This emotion is lacking, or hidden behind activity.